Feeling Stupid among Colleagues at Work

[BlueSky Aozora]

(Sorry that I use a lot of "I")
(Sorry to babble too long. I dont really have a question, but you can please share your opinion, or your experience, or your suggestion.)

For example:

When I already made a document related to work that I think maybe beneficial for our clients, and shared with my colleagues for them to comment - somehow they didn't even use it.

Or that I edit a document for a presentation but we're short in time - but they ask me to stop editing.

I pasted the same thing that they pasted, bolding important phrases,.. then they made another new copy & didnt use the one i edited. although they added some extra notes. Maybe they just find that it's easier to do it by their own, or maybe that I interrupted their work synchronously.

I just wanted to help, I do understand their reasons. But I hate it that only I feel sorry or guilty of interrupting other people's work, while others never feel sorry about this. I feel unappreciated.

Or that when I anything to say, but I noticed my colleagues, families, friends, don't even listen. They either listen for a short while, but I didn't even finish what I'm saying.

I know my way of talking is not really interesting. I think you guys understand. I feel like NT will never understand, especially the extroverts.

I have watched a youtube from a great autistic person, about: If you have an idea, better voice it out through another person (if I'm not mistaken). It was an enlightenment. But the problem is, to whom and how i can even convince the person to voice out the idea on my behalf, or even how can i approach the person. I feel stupid on struggling with this 'simple' matter.

I noticed that colleagues dont really listen to my idea. But if other more likeable people saying/doing anything even some dumb things, or even the similar things that I want to say, they will like it.

But their actions towards me, it depends. Maybe they feel I'm somehow stiff, my language is too formal, my way of doing things is naive, etc. I dont know. Maybe they feel I'm ok but not too likeable.

If I try to google about feeling stupid at work, they will give about impostor syndrome, etc., but i dont think they really understand the struggle that we face.

About mental health, they always say to 'ask for help', but from whom exactly? If we feel demotivated about 'simple' things like this at work, can we really discuss it with anybody in the organization?

I thought about it but i dont think they understand. worst, they might even think i'm incompetent and babbles about what i said to others. Maybe they wont, but still, i doubt that they understand - seems a lot of work to give awareness to people who dont understand. They also are very busy, and they may feel like I'm whining too much on little things.

Counselors? Counselors are for normal people. Psychologists maybe can understand. Although difficult to find one who really understand autism/asperger.

And I even dont know what I really need, or if that I even need anything. Maybe more time, but we have a fixed schedule that cant be overwritten, so they will just ask me to go through it, and that everyone in the organization are going through the same thing, same schedule, or even busier than I am. So they will just see me as complaining.

Fyi, i got into the organization by luck - it's true. it's difficult to explain, i didnt get in with connection, but honestly i'm actually underqualified for the job. My institution (smaller institution inside the organization) heads or members weren't even aware that I got assigned there, meaning they didn't even know me, but suddenly having to have me - they welcomed me but no mentors etc like how it is now (everyone hired at the similar time with me didnt have mentors, but they succeed way way more compared to me - so i cant even have a reason to be incompetent or complain). But every other members were interviewed by the institution heads, so they like the new hires, and the new hires are competent people. So I feel even stupider.

Anyway, I'm short of time, but I feel so demotivated. Problem is, I need motivation to do my work. And I'm reminded of how what effort i put in was worthless and pointless..

I know I should be more grateful, and not complaining. But just wondering if there's any soul in this world understand and experience same thing as me..
Thanks for reading, trying to understand or take this seriously, it means a lot.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

This was something I learned relatively recently: it doesn't matter how silly an idea is- if you say it with enough confidence people will listen and believe you. When you think about it, it makes sense- everybody is so worried about making the wrong decision that if somebody acts like they know what is going on people want to seem like they also do, so will go along with the idea and not question it. I know that's a bit cynical but it's what I have experienced time and time again.
In relation to not having anybody to be a sounding board for your ideas, what I have started implementing in my own life is recording myself speak, and listening back for ways I can improve my idea or the delivery. This may help with confidence of the delivery as well. Additionally, just because people don't see the value of your ideas doesn't mean they are stupid or invaluable. it's difficult, but I have accepted that NT's are wired/conditioned to go along with the crowd, whereas most autistics are not, or at least to a lesser degree, so of course NT's are going to put their value on people who think like they do. If you can work around that, great, but it wouldn't hurt to look into other places of work where your efforts might be more appreciated if it really upsets you and you feel this dynamic won't change. These feelings can burrow pretty deep and do lots of damage to your heart- best wishes to you!

 

[Progster]

Yes, this happens to me all the time. Story of my life.

I try to join in a conversation, but while I'm talking, one of the more extrovert/dominant members of the group starts speaking over the top of me, and they all listen to them and ingore me.

I post a new album on a Facebook group. They ignore my post. A short while later, along comes one of the more active, popular members and posts exactly the same album, then everyone comments on it.

I think the reason is a combination of things: lack of assertiveness, having a flat tone, not having the right body language or eye contact in order to engage the group, so I become more like a background noise to them. I also have slower processing, so while I'm still on a topic, the group has moved on. I'm also slower to respond than others, and that's enough to ensure that someone else will usually start speaking before I do and I don't get to speak and be heard. It's one of the reasons why I don't 'do' group socialising, it just doesn't work.

One thing that does work is to try to be more assertive. For example, if John starts talking over the top of me, then say "John, please let me finish speaking." And be sure to use his name, because that will catch his attention.

 

[unperson]

welcome to the world of unpersons!

 

[KOZMOZIS @realchrisharold]

You have to grin and bear it or become an entrepreneur

 

[Suzanne]

Have been in similar situations! That is, where I am ignored and yet, what I suggested taken up by someone else as though it was their situation.

Work environments are my worst nightmare and soon came to see that it is best to not go there, otherwise, I would end up very sick.

However, found it happens in all situations and currently going through a tough situation. I took courage on zoom meetings ( my faith), to do more than one to one and found it a horrible situation. Even though I put it on speaker only, so only get one to one, I mostly am left out of the equation and could feel myself wanting to cry with frustration and sadly, this resulted in me feeling very lonely. However, when I took the courage and sent a text to each elder ( priest) and explained that I cannot cope with more than one to one or couples, they have made a note of it.

I have no idea when to talk and when to be silent, when there is more than one person with me, in a breakout room, plus my voice can be pretty weak, so of course, that manifests itself into not a great quality and thus, ignored.

I ( oh, well, you are not the only one lol), appreciate your post very much, because it helps to take away that lonliness.

 

[Suzette]

I can relate to these comments. I never figured it out. In my last job I stopped caring about credit and started playing with situations to see what would happen. I would present my ideas, wait for the shutdown, then wait for the same idea to be presented by another person and be accepted. Failure became a game.

I have decided I am a lousy ego stroker. I don't know how to flatter the boss. There seems to be a weird fine line you have to dance, confident but subservient. That will never be me.

I got lucky when I met my husband. We do not live in high style, we live very modestly. But by accepting a modest lifestyle we were able to retire early. I was 49. I prefer watching my pennies to figuring out what I am doing wrong.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The best training I had for presenting ideas were seminars where we would present our research in progress. To even have a chance one needed to learn to advocate for your work and defend it. Intense training for the real world.

But then, leaving research for the world of manufacturing in highly technical positions, I found that my ideas/proposals were treated very seriously when I had successes to build on. But being in a technical area it sounds simpler than what you describe to demonstrate competence.

Are you in a service sector job? I don't think I'd succeed at that where relationships are probably the defining factor. Not just your output, but how are you relating to co-workers?

 

[Suzette]

. Not just your output, but how are you relating to co-workers

I think I am generally liked. But I have limits on my sociability. In my last job coworkers liked to lunch together. But I needed my lunch hour to recharge. Oh well.

 

[Gracey]

I've gotten into remote or lone working.
Far less stress. Suits me, for now.


@Blue Sky Aozora - ask for feedback?
You'll never know for sure how people receive your editing and presentations unless you ask them.

If you don't have a designated team leader, manager or mentor, perhaps H.R can give you the name of someone in the company or department to speak with about accessing help or support?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thanks for sharing your experience and suggestions. I'm thinking about what you've said. Maybe I can't implement all of them straight away, but surely take a note and try to do it bit by bit.

Maybe it's because my insecurity is high or my self-esteem is low, so that's why when a little small stuff happens, or when people only criticize me a bit albeit not in angry/belittling tone, I got upset. Good that sometimes my rational thinking kicks in, notice that the criticism is just, it's just a small normal thing, and it's just because my self-esteem is low. It's just the feeling of lower self-esteem becomes lower, maybe it doesn't necessarily mean my value is actually getting lower (or maybe it is? ..anyway).

But sometimes when I'm in low energy, demotivated, bad mood, it's difficult to control myself from countering the people with lots of pathetic excuses and bad attitude.. Hopefully it'll be easier to control from now on.

Thanks a lot, everyone here is so kind, to treat this feeling of mine so seriously, and even the jokes, love them! Thank you, thank you. Despite the difficulties we may or are facing, may you live happily too or at least not in a bad mood.