Every relationship I’ve had until this point has ended terribly, and I’m having constant trouble finding someone. My first girlfriend thought we’d be better off as friends. We’re not friends anymore sadly (for reasons I won’t go into), my first boyfriend (I’m a bisexual man) I was going to move in with until I realized it just wasn’t meant to be, although thankfully we still are friends. And my 2nd boyfriend ended up having to move to another state after his mom kicked him out. I just want someone to love me. I don’t wanna try dating apps cause those were bad experiences. I only have one college course I am attending at the moment but everyone there is 16/17 meanwhile I am almost 20, so I don’t feel comfortable asking any of them out that’s weird and creepy. I have a second course starting in October. I really hope I meet someone there
I think we, autistics, run into a handful of difficulties when trying to obtain and maintain a relationship.
1. Communication differences: Many autistics tend to use direct language. Many neurotypicals tend to use indirect language. You need to sit down and have this conversation. No one is a mind-reader, least of all autistics. Many of us do not pick up on innuendo and hints, nor intent.
"Just say it!" "Don't try to make me figure it out." Be assertive and ask questions, never assume.
2. Different relationship expectations: I don't talk a lot. I say what needs to be said, then I am done. The other person may just like to talk about this and that, just for the sake of talking. Fine. Be their listening post. Touch their hand, give hugs, cuddle, acts of kindness, tell them you love them every day, etc. may be more your way vs. being the conversationalist. Understand that two people may have different "love languages".
3. Many autistics have a tendency to be rather flat affect, depressive, express negativity, etc. This is a sure way to push someone away. Nobody wants to be with a "negative Nancy". Be aware of yourself.
4. Emotional dysregulation, cognitive biases, black and white thinking: Work on self-regulation, self-discipline, self-control, temperance, understand the importance of context and perspective, THEN speak. Force yourself to pause before answering. Don't let your quick wit get yourself in trouble.
5. Many autistics, mostly because of poor upbringing, trauma, emotional dysregulation, etc. tend to play the victim, it's someone else's fault, I'm trapped, I can't, I can't, I can't. Unfortunately, many have had a "Jedi mind trick" played upon them. Concepts like "suck it up and just do your job" do not go over well, but this is the real world for most people in society. Be responsible, accountable, a sense of duty and honor, and your little feelings and discomforts shouldn't be part of the conversation. Again, hard concepts for many to understand, but this is life.
6. Have ambition, goals, and plans, both short-term and long-term. Don't go through life aimless. Find your purpose in life, help others, be a mentor, someone that others may look to for advice and guidance.
7. Money might not make you happier (Yes it will), but it will make life easier. Be assertive with your financial goals. Couples will fight and stress over money, and it can get nasty. Some degree of financial security is often desirable for maintaining a relationship.
These are just a few of the qualities that may help you with obtaining and maintaining a relationship.
