Fighting the urge to sabotage myself.

[Metalhead]

My boss recently has handed me a ton of more responsibility on the job. I know, on a logical level, that I can handle of that perfectly fine and well and that my boss obviously believes I can handle it all, as well. But there was an itching part inside of myself that wanted to say "screw this" and get ridiculously drunk the night before my first day of these new responsibilities. I am glad I did not give into that part of myself.

It seems to be a theme in my life where irrational insecurities cause me to sabotage my own best interests. Overcoming a lifetime of this nasty habit is difficult. Anybody else here know what I am talking about here?

 

[Mia]

Yeah, I do. One of my Profs at school recommended me for a job with a high profile software imaging company. It's not something I wanted to do, based on two years class work in animation. But I went to the interview because well, I respected the Prof and thought he knew something that I didn't. After three interviews they offered me the job. I knew I was too old at the time, compared to the others who worked there. Who all looked about in their early twenties.

All the computers and drawing boards were in this huge room with brick walls and it reminded me of a chichi cafe. When people talked it reverberated everywhere. They even slept there on couches I was told (shudder), when they had deadlines. I didn't want to spend years of my life chained to a computer rendering, I had other opportunities.

At times they worked twelve or fourteen hours or overnight, did not have the stamina or the inclination to do it. So the day before I was to start, I called them and told them a family member had died and that I couldn't take the job. It was a well-paying job, but it would have been really difficult to work in a room with people so close and with so much noise. I simply would not have fit in there.

 

[Au Naturel]

If I were young I'd just get ridiculously drunk, fight my way through the hangover, and show up the next day anyhow.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, age does dictate our choices in the end. We as spectrum- can masquerade (code word - mask-querade) pretty close to the checkboxes that the employer is looking to fill. But we get a reality check and save everyone the hassle. Not sure exactly how to present this to the forum. But we truly are fluid enough to fill all the boxes that employer needs. BUT in the end we answer to ourselves. Thank god......

 

[Thinx]

I wonder if this comes as much from your history as from autism? I can empathise with a feeling of distance and questioning the values driving work practices at times, but deliberate self sabotage might come more from the way you were conditioned not to believe in yourself and your abilities as an independent individual, and encouraged to see yourself as someone to be used by others.

There's often an undertow from that kind of cruel treatment, where the conditioning wrestles with the actual world, the reality that you are not here to be used and abused by others but are a multifaceted, talented individual with your own independent life, which is being clearly recognised at work, and by your friends and acquaintances.

Maybe use some mantras to directly replace the original conditioning and shut it down even more than you already have? Such as, I am recognised as a talented individual who can hold significant responsibilities at work. I have been promoted because I am highly competent. I am a talented and highly competent person. Well done!

 

[Suzanne]

Very much so!

A female friend of the family took to me and encouraged me to better myself, so to speak and got me an interview where she was working, at a Solicitor's establishment ( Laywer) and I passed the interview and was given a month to see how I did.

Not even a month went by, when I was called to the main office and told that they were very satisfied with me and felt that I would be an asset to their company and thus, approved of me staying.

I had my first experience with a fax machine and boy was that fascinating, to send a document to a far away country within a space of a few minutes! I was in awe lol

Also, introduce the "real coffee", which I had to serve to board members, which petrified me at the notion of spilling it on either the person or on their important papers.

I had to also do a stint at the reception and that was awful. Not allowed to read a book or anything, so incredably boring and my nightmare, the phone and each time it rang, I would jump!

Called up to the main office again, one day and told that my services were no longer needed and despite me feeling bewhildered by this, no straight answer. I said that I would leave then and told that I had to go back to the reception area and work my day. I was so angry and incensed at this and it just so happened that a call came through for this solicitor, whom he did not like, but the thing was that if you pressed a button, then the caller can hear what the solicitor is saying. Well, I wickedly did this, so the caller heard the solicitor saying how much they despised them and further.

About 10 mins later, said solictor came steaming downstairs saying that he had lost a valid customer ie the one who he slammed. Did not cotton on that it was my doing, so I collected my wages and walked out with head held high, thinking: there, you deserved that!

Another time, when I was doing work experience, I just knew I did not want that work, but heart sank, because the other two who were there with me, were rather special. Both very scruffy and just an air of stupidity ( sorry). I tried to sabatage my interview, but to no avail. Got the job and worked there for a couple of weeks, but could not cope with the crude environment and so, told the head office female that it was no good, I had to give it up. She tried to get me to not, by complimenting me etc, but it was no good. I made up my mind that I was not going to do it.

There are other situations too, where I have not taken the typical neurotypical approach.

 

[Progster]

I tend to take on too much and try to power my way through it, but then can't cope and either burn out and leave, or get fired. Twice I've been in jobs where I've quit on the spot because I literally couldn't bear another minute more.

I'm very stubborn though, and always try to cope beyond the point where I know that I'm not coping, and then I make myself physically ill through the anxiety and have to quit anyway.

 

[Barymore]

For me, self-sabotage is less about leaving situations that are unsuited to me and more about messed up situations that would actually be good for me.
I have done this in relationships. I also think that it has less to do with ASD and more with other aspects and life experience. For me it was def. low self esteem (I know, you would never guess ). Biggest difficulty I had (have?) is actually consciously realising it when I am doing it. I would sabotage subconciously and rationalize my decision on a whole other level consciously. So realising (a) and then understanding the underlying issue (b) and then adressing that (c). Mantras work less well for me, funnily enough mindfullness meditations do. Often I use alternative / incompatible behaviors to stop me doing something stupid. But realizing it at all before hand is not so easy.

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes, age does dictate our choices in the end. We as spectrum- can masquerade (code word - mask-querade) pretty close to the checkboxes that the employer is looking to fill. But we get a reality check and save everyone the hassle. Not sure exactly how to present this to the forum. But we truly are fluid enough to fill all the boxes that employer needs. BUT in the end we answer to ourselves. Thank god......

You do what you have to do. Without quite a bit of the masquerade, my life would have been miserable. No job, no wife, no children, no comfortable home, no loving pets to play with, no resources to go on adventures with. Actually, nothing worth living for and I'd lapse back into my teens where I was not certain I wanted to be alive. If a mask can make your life better, wear it. Think of it as performance art.