So I finally tried out the makeup today, I'd been putting that off for months.
I'm not entirely sure what my thought process was with that. I'm not doing it without help, my stepmother is guiding me through that and helping to make sure I dont totally mess it up.
Did I think it was going to be really difficult? Sort of, maybe, but that doesnt make a whole lot of sense. I was never masculine to begin with, and everyone I'd asked about this had told me I'd need minimal makeup to make it work. My stepmother told me that too. Originally I'd had this list of stuff I figured I'd need after watching some tutorials, it was like 8 things and there's this long process to it. She told me, no, you only need these 3 things. But I'm constantly thinking like, no, this is supposed to be a big process, that's what I see all the time, maybe everyone advising me on this is wrong? If I try it without the full list, I might look stupid.
No, she was right, as usual. The steps she'd given me were simple and easy, doesnt take much time, and boom, done. I dont know why I thought it was going to be hard, particularly after so much previous experience at conventions and such.
I always do that, really. Some thing that sounds easy and clearly IS easy, I'll build it up in my head to be this really hard scary thing and sort of assume I'm going to mess it up. I've wondered more than a few times if this is somewhat of an autism thing. Getting nervous over things that make no sense to be afraid of. Even when people around me are telling me "it's not going to be a big deal" and providing logical reasons as to why they say that. Like it bounces off.
But then of course there's other times when something IS scary/dangerous, but I dont fear it. Generally this is while driving, for some reason nothing scares me when I'm in the car. What's with that? Why cant I have any of that confidence and/or bravery when I'm NOT in the car? I've never been able to figure this out.
Good grief I should have done this sooner in any case. First time (outside of a convention) that I look in the mirror and dont completely hate what I see. It aint like super perfect of course, there's practice to be done, and I managed to somehow cover my hand in goop (which is sort of a running theme for me, particularly when doing art, my hands have all the colors of the rainbow on them after I'm done regardless of what I'm using).
Something I know does help at least a bit is just being in a less lethargic state. I've been doing my best to keep up with the idea of being online a lot less, and avoiding clicking stuff on Youtube. I still fall into it every now and then but I generally pull myself out after not too long. With that draining me much less I've been able to, you know, DO things. I wish I'd taken those steps forward MUCH earlier than I did.
On the negative side of things, the dogs arent here right now and this house is just depressing and sad without them. I can get pretty moody when they arent around, I dont deal with that very well. I gotta keep doing things though, mustnt focus on that fact too much. They're never gone for more than a couple of days at a time.
Also I'm still struggling a lot with my bizarre phobias. Particularly the one about insomnia. This despite that I sleep like the dead every single day/night/whatever without fail. It's a bit of a problem right now more than usual for whatever reason, trying to work on it with my therapist but it's very entrenched, has been for like 10 years now.
I'm not entirely sure what my thought process was with that. I'm not doing it without help, my stepmother is guiding me through that and helping to make sure I dont totally mess it up.
Did I think it was going to be really difficult? Sort of, maybe, but that doesnt make a whole lot of sense. I was never masculine to begin with, and everyone I'd asked about this had told me I'd need minimal makeup to make it work. My stepmother told me that too. Originally I'd had this list of stuff I figured I'd need after watching some tutorials, it was like 8 things and there's this long process to it. She told me, no, you only need these 3 things. But I'm constantly thinking like, no, this is supposed to be a big process, that's what I see all the time, maybe everyone advising me on this is wrong? If I try it without the full list, I might look stupid.
No, she was right, as usual. The steps she'd given me were simple and easy, doesnt take much time, and boom, done. I dont know why I thought it was going to be hard, particularly after so much previous experience at conventions and such.
I always do that, really. Some thing that sounds easy and clearly IS easy, I'll build it up in my head to be this really hard scary thing and sort of assume I'm going to mess it up. I've wondered more than a few times if this is somewhat of an autism thing. Getting nervous over things that make no sense to be afraid of. Even when people around me are telling me "it's not going to be a big deal" and providing logical reasons as to why they say that. Like it bounces off.
But then of course there's other times when something IS scary/dangerous, but I dont fear it. Generally this is while driving, for some reason nothing scares me when I'm in the car. What's with that? Why cant I have any of that confidence and/or bravery when I'm NOT in the car? I've never been able to figure this out.
Good grief I should have done this sooner in any case. First time (outside of a convention) that I look in the mirror and dont completely hate what I see. It aint like super perfect of course, there's practice to be done, and I managed to somehow cover my hand in goop (which is sort of a running theme for me, particularly when doing art, my hands have all the colors of the rainbow on them after I'm done regardless of what I'm using).
Something I know does help at least a bit is just being in a less lethargic state. I've been doing my best to keep up with the idea of being online a lot less, and avoiding clicking stuff on Youtube. I still fall into it every now and then but I generally pull myself out after not too long. With that draining me much less I've been able to, you know, DO things. I wish I'd taken those steps forward MUCH earlier than I did.
On the negative side of things, the dogs arent here right now and this house is just depressing and sad without them. I can get pretty moody when they arent around, I dont deal with that very well. I gotta keep doing things though, mustnt focus on that fact too much. They're never gone for more than a couple of days at a time.
Also I'm still struggling a lot with my bizarre phobias. Particularly the one about insomnia. This despite that I sleep like the dead every single day/night/whatever without fail. It's a bit of a problem right now more than usual for whatever reason, trying to work on it with my therapist but it's very entrenched, has been for like 10 years now.
