Hello! I’m 39 and have recently realized that Asperger’s explains a whole lot about my life!
Actually, years ago someone sent me a link to some AQ test. I scored very high (44), but from what I read at the time, although autism could look very different in each person, the one factor that seemed to be the rule was a language delay. Everything else fit me (bothered by sounds and touch, noticing details others don't, struggling with social stuff etc etc…), but I thought that was the one thing that ruled it out. The way my parents tell it, Dad was reading me a story when I was 4 and I corrected him when he read something wrong, so he laughed and told me to read it myself then...and I did. They didn’t realize until that moment that I had figured out how to read. I remember a teacher telling them when I was in early elementary school that I read at a grade nine level. When I was 25, I started learning Mandarin Chinese, moved to a country where it is spoken, and am reasonably fluent in it, reading and writing the characters as well.
When I moved back to my home country 9 years ago, though, a lot of the social problems that I think were disguised by being in a foreign culture (especially Chinese, since people are totally fine with blunt statements of fact!) really seemed to surface. I can think that I’m keeping my head down and staying out of conflicts, but frequently people in my close-knit religious community will just reach their limit of tolerating me, and berate me to the tune of “why can’t you ever just say something kind?!” It makes me feel so panicked and attacked, because the things that upset them so much are never said out of malice...it’s just things that are true and that I would think were helpful to them. When someone screeched that at me again within the last year, I sat down and read a lot about Asperger’s. Then it made more sense, how you could have an advanced vocabulary, but use speech just as information exchange more than a social activity. Another article, about how it’s so exhausting to have to rely on cognition rather than intuition to navigate every single social situation, made me cry all the way through because it was so accurate.
So I talked to my mom and my best friend about it to see what their perspective would be. My mom was somewhat dismissive first, taking the view that everyone is a bit weird in their own way, so why does everything need a label? She surprised me later though, because I think she did a lot of reading about it on her own, and not only recognized how much it fit me, but realized it explains a lot about my dad too. She said she notices as I get older just how much I am just like him. (That’s okay, he's an original but much loved!) In fact she pointed out something else that fit...she said she always wonders what I’ll be “into” next. We kind of made a joke of it, but realized we can list back to junior high what hobbies/interests/obsessions I had, always a year or two of each and then on to something else with equal intensity.
My best friend still lives in Asia, so we discussed it by email. She took a little while to digest what I was asking, and thought it over very carefully before she responded. Here’s what she said...you can sure see why she’s my friend
“Jokes aside... I love that I always know where I stand with you. I love that you are sooooo loyal (even to people who've let you down a lot). I love that you try to find the best way to do things... I love that you know what you like and don't like.I love that right and wrong are so clear and distinct for you. It used to drive me crazy but I love that you plan things out and think things out in soooo much detail even down to the smallest things. So if those things are the things that are weird then that's too bad. I love those things about you. Don't worry about what others say I know how hard you work at it being with others. I've seen how you get upset about what they think. But by now everyone has seen the parts of you that I love too... and they'll learn to appreciate that!”
There are so many other details that make me sure this is the key to understanding who I am and where I fit (or don’t fit), but I don’t have a “real” diagnosis. I don’t know if it matters, although in a way I'd like to know. I think people might not believe me, because I have never had problems with having a job or living independently...it’s just that I don’t seem to speak “people”. So I can’t truly say for sure that I’m an Aspie and I’m sure I will mostly be lurking here to see what I can learn from others, but I wanted to at least explain a bit about myself so if you see me liking your posts you will know who I am. It’s truly a relief to realize that while my brain may have a different operating system than most of those around me day-to-day, people do exist who do think the same way and can understand the frustrations...but also the strengths and joys!
Actually, years ago someone sent me a link to some AQ test. I scored very high (44), but from what I read at the time, although autism could look very different in each person, the one factor that seemed to be the rule was a language delay. Everything else fit me (bothered by sounds and touch, noticing details others don't, struggling with social stuff etc etc…), but I thought that was the one thing that ruled it out. The way my parents tell it, Dad was reading me a story when I was 4 and I corrected him when he read something wrong, so he laughed and told me to read it myself then...and I did. They didn’t realize until that moment that I had figured out how to read. I remember a teacher telling them when I was in early elementary school that I read at a grade nine level. When I was 25, I started learning Mandarin Chinese, moved to a country where it is spoken, and am reasonably fluent in it, reading and writing the characters as well.
When I moved back to my home country 9 years ago, though, a lot of the social problems that I think were disguised by being in a foreign culture (especially Chinese, since people are totally fine with blunt statements of fact!) really seemed to surface. I can think that I’m keeping my head down and staying out of conflicts, but frequently people in my close-knit religious community will just reach their limit of tolerating me, and berate me to the tune of “why can’t you ever just say something kind?!” It makes me feel so panicked and attacked, because the things that upset them so much are never said out of malice...it’s just things that are true and that I would think were helpful to them. When someone screeched that at me again within the last year, I sat down and read a lot about Asperger’s. Then it made more sense, how you could have an advanced vocabulary, but use speech just as information exchange more than a social activity. Another article, about how it’s so exhausting to have to rely on cognition rather than intuition to navigate every single social situation, made me cry all the way through because it was so accurate.
So I talked to my mom and my best friend about it to see what their perspective would be. My mom was somewhat dismissive first, taking the view that everyone is a bit weird in their own way, so why does everything need a label? She surprised me later though, because I think she did a lot of reading about it on her own, and not only recognized how much it fit me, but realized it explains a lot about my dad too. She said she notices as I get older just how much I am just like him. (That’s okay, he's an original but much loved!) In fact she pointed out something else that fit...she said she always wonders what I’ll be “into” next. We kind of made a joke of it, but realized we can list back to junior high what hobbies/interests/obsessions I had, always a year or two of each and then on to something else with equal intensity.
My best friend still lives in Asia, so we discussed it by email. She took a little while to digest what I was asking, and thought it over very carefully before she responded. Here’s what she said...you can sure see why she’s my friend
“Jokes aside... I love that I always know where I stand with you. I love that you are sooooo loyal (even to people who've let you down a lot). I love that you try to find the best way to do things... I love that you know what you like and don't like.I love that right and wrong are so clear and distinct for you. It used to drive me crazy but I love that you plan things out and think things out in soooo much detail even down to the smallest things. So if those things are the things that are weird then that's too bad. I love those things about you. Don't worry about what others say I know how hard you work at it being with others. I've seen how you get upset about what they think. But by now everyone has seen the parts of you that I love too... and they'll learn to appreciate that!”
There are so many other details that make me sure this is the key to understanding who I am and where I fit (or don’t fit), but I don’t have a “real” diagnosis. I don’t know if it matters, although in a way I'd like to know. I think people might not believe me, because I have never had problems with having a job or living independently...it’s just that I don’t seem to speak “people”. So I can’t truly say for sure that I’m an Aspie and I’m sure I will mostly be lurking here to see what I can learn from others, but I wanted to at least explain a bit about myself so if you see me liking your posts you will know who I am. It’s truly a relief to realize that while my brain may have a different operating system than most of those around me day-to-day, people do exist who do think the same way and can understand the frustrations...but also the strengths and joys!
