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Finding out about having asp. at 26

Beximex

Beximex

New Member
hi all, I'm new here and though I am not on the spectrum I grew up with 2 older brothers who have aspergers /high functioning autism. Interestingly enough I am now a wife of 2 years and I'm about 95% certain that my husband has aspergers. He also had a terribly abusive father and so has suffered through quite a bit of trama in his childhood.

My question to this community is: did any of you find out as adults that you have this? Was it a shock/ how did it affect you? Did someone else bring it rock your attention, and if so how did you fell about them? If you are in a healthy marriage relationship what helps you two communicate and get through life? Marriage has been vary hard... and as I research I'm now at the point of wondering if I should tell him or just keep it to myself and learn the best ways to work with him. I'm concerned that if I tell him he will either be mad/think I'm crazy or be heartbroken at the realization.
 
Yep, I'm 26 and found out last week. It was a shock and a relief. My husband is very patient, and I'm a firm believer that communication is key. If anything gets to me, we discuss it and vice versa.
 
I'm 47 and I found out when I was nearly 46 sort of a shock but a friend thought it was borderline personality disorder and the doctor said autism I was much more stressed about something else so that, that no it's just got a name it's no different
 
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Beximex said:
hi all, I'm new here and though I am not on the spectrum I grew up with 2 older brothers who have aspergers /high functioning autism. Interestingly enough I am now a wife of 2 years and I'm about 95% certain that my husband has aspergers. He also had a terribly abusive father and so has suffered through quite a bit of trama in his childhood.

My question to this community is: did any of you find out as adults that you have this? Was it a shock/ how did it affect you? Did someone else bring it rock your attention, and if so how did you fell about them? If you are in a healthy marriage relationship what helps you two communicate and get through life? Marriage has been vary hard... and as I research I'm now at the point of wondering if I should tell him or just keep it to myself and learn the best ways to work with him. I'm concerned that if I tell him he will either be mad/think I'm crazy or be heartbroken at the realization.
Click to expand...
Sorry welcome
 
Since I was one of the minority that was diagnosed as a child in the 1970s I can't tell you personally about whether it would have been a shock to find out as an adult. I can tell you that a diagnosis can help many adults understand why they've found so many things difficult throughout their life and it can be comforting to know that it's not their fault, it can also help them access the right support if they feel they could benefit from it. On the other hand some adults would prefer not to be labelled and if they don't understand autism too well they could at worst feel insulted to be told that they're acting autistic, probably because of the stigma that some people sadly still associate with the condition (things have improved, but there's still a long way to go). It's important to note however that people on the higher end of the autistic spectrum are of at least average intelligence and are more often very intelligent, also many aspies were behind important inventions and scientific breakthroughs, so if your husband does understand autism it shouldn't be insulting.

Since I don't know your husband it's very difficult to know how he personally would react if you told him that you suspected he was on the autistic spectrum and since you know him you would probably be the best person to predict this. If you haven't already you could refer to your older brothers to help educate him about autism, seeing how he relates to them and their traits could give you important clues, perhaps if you spell out the traits associated with them and perhaps others on the higher functioning end of the spectrum he might even start suspecting himself that he's an aspie without you having to directly tell him (he might even suspect already). Maybe you could even watch a documentary about Aspergers Syndrome and/or Higher Functioning Autism (this maybe online) stating that you're interested because of your older brothers, hoping that he watches it with you as again he could well start realising himself if he doesn't already and if you're lucky he could even drop a hint that could give you the opportunity to discuss it further. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but perhaps people who did find out as adults maybe able to advise better.

PS: Welcome to ASPIESCentral!
 
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Beximex said:
hi all, I'm new here and though I am not on the spectrum I grew up with 2 older brothers who have aspergers /high functioning autism. Interestingly enough I am now a wife of 2 years and I'm about 95% certain that my husband has aspergers. He also had a terribly abusive father and so has suffered through quite a bit of trama in his childhood.

My question to this community is: did any of you find out as adults that you have this? Was it a shock/ how did it affect you? Did someone else bring it rock your attention, and if so how did you fell about them? If you are in a healthy marriage relationship what helps you two communicate and get through life? Marriage has been vary hard... and as I research I'm now at the point of wondering if I should tell him or just keep it to myself and learn the best ways to work with him. I'm concerned that if I tell him he will either be mad/think I'm crazy or be heartbroken at the realization.
Click to expand...
For me I only want to do it because my life was unbearable for other people it might be different
 
I found out at age 51. It was a shock, to be sure, but the entirety of my life suddenly looked clear to me when I looked back on it through Aspie-colored glasses. Before that, it had always been a little fuzzy.
 
I have my own self-diagnosis at 53, it was my idea after having my DNA sequenced - truly not a surprise, a huge relief.

Always better if your partner discovers it on his own. Maybe leave one of the more popular books On the coffee table.
 
pjcnet said:
Since I was one of the minority that was diagnosed as a child in the 1970s I can't tell you personally about whether it would have been a shock to find out as an adult. I can tell you that a diagnosis can help many adults understand why they've found so many things difficult throughout their life and it can be comforting to know that it's not their fault, it can also help them access the right support if they feel they could benefit from it. On the other hand some adults would prefer not to be labelled and if they don't understand autism too well they could at worst feel insulted to be told that they're acting autistic, probably because of the stigma that some people sadly still associate with the condition (things have improved, but there's still a long way to go). It's important to note however that people on the higher end of the autistic spectrum are of at least average intelligence and are more often very intelligent, also many aspies were behind important inventions and scientific breakthroughs, so if your husband does understand autism it shouldn't be insulting.

Since I don't know your husband it's very difficult to know how he personally would react if you told him that you suspected he was on the autistic spectrum and since you know him you would probably be the best person to predict this. If you haven't already you could refer to your older brothers to help educate him about autism, seeing how he relates to them and their traits could give you important clues, perhaps if you spell out the traits associated with them and perhaps others on the higher functioning end of the spectrum he might even start suspecting himself that he's an aspie without you having to directly tell him (he might even suspect already). Maybe you could even watch a documentary about Aspergers Syndrome and/or Higher Functioning Autism (this maybe online) stating that you're interested because of your older brothers, hoping that he watches it with you as again he could well start realising himself if he doesn't already and if you're lucky he could even drop a hint that could give you the opportunity to discuss it further. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but perhaps people who did find out as adults maybe able to advise better.

PS: Welcome to ASPIESCentral!
Click to expand...

This was VERY helpful, thank you so much!! I didn't think of having casual conversation on the subject , he is definitely high functioning so him noticing it about himself if definitely possible. He is definitely
One of the smartest people I know in many ways.
 
I agree with @Keigan. Let him find out on his own. My aha! moment came while I was binge-watching the TV series Parenthood on Netflix. There are two main characters on the spectrum. For me, watching the Hank Rizzoli character (played by Ray Romano) was almost like looking in the mirror. There's also the Max Braverman character, who is age 9 when he is diagnosed and 14 when the series ends.
 
It is very likely that people that were missing a parent figure in their life or had an abusive parent could develop bad social skills even Aspergers, and autism. I saw this on the news when I was in middle school and I was diagnosed. My father was a Sheriff's deputy for 21 years and is now the head of Law Enforcement for the SPCA in Rochester NY. When I was little he was always missing during nights and the day, I always would hurt when he was never there for my birthday or some holidays. This is part of the reason why I think I could have gotten Aspergers.
 
My husband and I went through quite a few rough patches before learning about my ASD but since then and researching we have learned better communication due to better understanding of the different ways we communicate and different goals or desires in life. One of the biggest things or main arguments is almost always misunderstanding. It's definitely important to for us for him to be blunt or literal with things. If he tries beating around the bush or doesn't spell it out sometimes I don't get it.
Feel free to pm if you want to chat further or ask questions.
 
I found out a couple years ago in my late 20s. It took awhile for me to believe what my wife was telling me, but now I am thankful to know. I would start the conversation by asking what he knows about autism/Asperger’s Syndrome. You could have him read a few articles then ask if anything resonated with him or reminded him of himself.
 
Beguiling Orbit said:
I found out at age 51. It was a shock, to be sure, but the entirety of my life suddenly looked clear to me when I looked back on it through Aspie-colored glasses. Before that, it had always been a little fuzzy.
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I found out at age 57.
I felt the same as Beguiling Orbit above.
Shocked but cleared up why I was as I was all of my life.

I am not in a good relationship so the support I desire of some understanding instead of verbal put downs meant to keep me feeling degraded and him feeling controlling isn't there.
If you're communications are good, I would try to get him to watch a video with you like on You Tube and he would probably see himself and become interested.

I was seeing a grief counselor who recognised the signs and ask if I would take a certain on-line test and we would discuss it. The score and questions I immediately saw myself in. Then I went for an official diagnosis.
 
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