LZapperO
New Member
"The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing myself I didn't exist."
Disclaimer: English is not my native language, although I have used it often when conversing with myself in my mind, and I'm quite comfortable with it.
My writing style probably seems too poetic. However, it is the only way I can write truthfully.
My story is too long, too complex to tell. However, I will start writing.
Although it is only pieces, to others it might form a whole.
I have to stop myself editing too much, to try to be accurate I have to write quickly, without judging my own words.
Everything is exactly the way I remember, my interpretation anyway.
-
...I think I found the last piece of the puzzle. It shocks me. I was having what I thought was an anxiety attack in a group therapy session. Noone seemed to notice. The next week, at the next therapy session, I was brave enough to ask: Why didn't you react, couldn't you see I was in distress? No, they didn't notice anything.
Why? Something clicked.
.
I am 35 years old. Time does not interest me, well, it annoys me. I don't know. It's a limitation.
I have spent my entire life feeling different, never understanding what was wrong but always knowing there was something. The further I strayed from my true self, the more I tried to fit in, the less I was happy. I see that now. It makes sense.
As a child, I was obsessed with computers. I had one good childhood friend that liked many of the same things. Dinosaurs, encyclopedias, animal books. I was obsessed with computers.
When I hit puberty, I had the most frightening experience in my life. A doctor rushed to the scene. I spent weeks in a hospital. They found nothing wrong. I was confused and scared. However, I wrote about it in my diary. "Stardate xxxx". I'm not making this up.
Social life was confusing in my teens. I felt left out. Never sure if people were teasing me or it was just normal. Still loved computers. Fell in love for the first time, secretly. She was.. different. One of many secret romances.
From the time when I was 16-27 I did manage to fit in reasonably. I was smart. Did really well at school. Some people started to talk to me. I suppose they looked up to me because I was smart. they could ask me stuff. Friends? I felt good. Liked. Admired. A part of me looked down on them. Maybe I wasn't being myself, but at least I had people to drink with and call my friends. I could show the world I wasn't that weird. Except for a few mishaps. Like my yearbook quote from "Woody Allen - Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." It was an indescribeable feeling to be able to actually hand in that quote. So "out of character" (according to what I was certain other people thought about me). I was never asked about it, but it stayed with me for a while. Made me feel a bit mad, but also proud. I dared to be different. Maybe I was secretly hoping that someone would recognize me in the oddness. Yet noone seemed to even notice. In retrospect my life is full of these acts of seemingly random weirdness.
Was crowned "tomato" of the year at the graduation ceremony in high school (came as a shock and I didn't understand anything at the time). Only one girl wanted to dance with me, and she was odd, different. I felt disgust for her, I think, but also compassion... As I write this, I understand it was probably my own self image imposed on her.
Lots of stuff happened. I was really starting to fit in. Except I couldn't complete my University degree, couldn't connect with the girls I wanted, I just couldn't do anything my friends did. And I was too ashamed to tell. So I stayed silent. The lies I did pull (about how my studies were going) were rehearsed to the point of perfection, so I pulled them from memory when needed. It was a nightmare. Even though I knew I was smarter. At least that I used to be smarter, back in school. According to my grades. Smarter... My confidence dropped, self loathing increasing. What was wrong with me?!? I was lazy, weak. It was normal to have the troubles I went through, I thought, and since I couldn't do what everyone else could, it was because I was weak. Shame took hold. Anxiety grew. Slowly I accepted my place as a nobody. It calmed me down. I could exist that way.
Fast forward, 7 years ago. Out of the blue I meet a girl. She made me feel something I had never felt before: ... but I can't put it into words. Connection? Recognition? She was brutually honest about what she didn't like about me. Which was a whole lot. It didn't matter to me. I was lost in her, I disappead, she was perfect. Time stood still. In just a couple of dates she was able to melt my armor. She could see me through all my rehearsed ********. I had spent days reading dating books and pickup guides and whatnot, I was quite confident in those abilities. They didn't work on her.
It was the greatest time of my life. I was baffled as to why she wasn't surrounded by admirers...
It felt like she didn't care much about me (except when we were drunk), but she still agreed to a few dates and we spent some time together. It was crazy, but amazing. One day her friend asks me: "Why are you two not together?"... ????? What? She doesn't even like me? Why would you ask that? I didn't ask her why she asked. I was too confused and couldn't believe what I had just heard.
Then the girl went away to study abroad. She was the most honest, passionate, REAL person I had ever met. Everything clicked.
-
Something started happening in me, quickly. I started reading books again, reading the Hitchhiker's Guide for the first time. I sougth everything that I knew this girl had loved. No. What I THOUGHT she loved. I didn't know much about her. And I loved everything. Was it because I was obsessed with her? Yes and no. I was obsessed with the idea of her. She gave me hope. I found myself again. I loved myself for loving her. I sent her a very long letter explaining everything I loved about her, why she was so great. I couldn't stop myself, I wanted her to love herself.
-
Tons have happened since then. I dared to speak about my problems with sweating in social situations to a friend. She feels like a sister to me to this day. I'm forever indebted to her because she listened. I dared to seek professional help, although I didn't know what for, just that I needed help. At first I thought it was physical. But everything was fine with my body.
I was put on SSRIs without further questions by the doctor. You're depressed and anxious, take these. She didn't listen. I was on SSRIs for two years. I became another person. But I never felt like myself, it was a nightmare. Couldn't sleep, couldn't rest. It made me more agreeable to the world, but not myself. At least that's how I remember it now. I quit on my own because at that point, it couldn't get any worse.
I met a great psychiatrist, and was introduced to group therapy. I was diagnosed first with social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, and later ADHD.
And then:
I was having what I thought was an anxiety attack in a group therapy session. Noone seemed to notice. The next week, at the next therapy session, I was brave enough to ask: Why didn't you react, couldn't you see I was in pain? No, they didn't notice anything.
My logical mind started working, like a crazy professor. I scoured the internet, piecing together everything I could. No, it's not this, or that... doubt... could it just be narcissism (my sudden realization that I was in a way extremely self centered..... but I feel altruistic, I want to function so I can help others). Why is it possible for me to doubt myself when I feel the truth so strongly? What is wrong with me, why can't I trust myself? I know I'm.. but I can't believe it on my own.
How would I find the truth about myself? Without a shadow of a doubt? I can't, but I can try, logically. By accepting this fact:
"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
-ACD
I arrive here. Logically I believe I know the truth, but I need you.
Two theories remain:
Am I crazy,
or am I like you?
I believe I can understand most human concepts logically. That's why I doubt myself so much. But it drains me to use logic where others use intuition. It has taken me 35 years to come this far, I have a desperate need for confirmation. Right this moment, I feel certain in myself but scared of the world, there is too much information in my head at once. It is unbearable.
I do not know where to start.
I'm crying and shivering and I feel so proud and happy and scared.
A parts of me thinks I'm a coward, a fake, an attention seeker.
Another part loves me for doing everything I can to reach out.
I'm sharing this because I want to accept myself.
And maybe help that girl.
-
Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me. Sorry for the inevitable mistakes.
Disclaimer: English is not my native language, although I have used it often when conversing with myself in my mind, and I'm quite comfortable with it.
My writing style probably seems too poetic. However, it is the only way I can write truthfully.
My story is too long, too complex to tell. However, I will start writing.
Although it is only pieces, to others it might form a whole.
I have to stop myself editing too much, to try to be accurate I have to write quickly, without judging my own words.
Everything is exactly the way I remember, my interpretation anyway.
-
...I think I found the last piece of the puzzle. It shocks me. I was having what I thought was an anxiety attack in a group therapy session. Noone seemed to notice. The next week, at the next therapy session, I was brave enough to ask: Why didn't you react, couldn't you see I was in distress? No, they didn't notice anything.
Why? Something clicked.
.
I am 35 years old. Time does not interest me, well, it annoys me. I don't know. It's a limitation.
I have spent my entire life feeling different, never understanding what was wrong but always knowing there was something. The further I strayed from my true self, the more I tried to fit in, the less I was happy. I see that now. It makes sense.
As a child, I was obsessed with computers. I had one good childhood friend that liked many of the same things. Dinosaurs, encyclopedias, animal books. I was obsessed with computers.
When I hit puberty, I had the most frightening experience in my life. A doctor rushed to the scene. I spent weeks in a hospital. They found nothing wrong. I was confused and scared. However, I wrote about it in my diary. "Stardate xxxx". I'm not making this up.
Social life was confusing in my teens. I felt left out. Never sure if people were teasing me or it was just normal. Still loved computers. Fell in love for the first time, secretly. She was.. different. One of many secret romances.
From the time when I was 16-27 I did manage to fit in reasonably. I was smart. Did really well at school. Some people started to talk to me. I suppose they looked up to me because I was smart. they could ask me stuff. Friends? I felt good. Liked. Admired. A part of me looked down on them. Maybe I wasn't being myself, but at least I had people to drink with and call my friends. I could show the world I wasn't that weird. Except for a few mishaps. Like my yearbook quote from "Woody Allen - Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." It was an indescribeable feeling to be able to actually hand in that quote. So "out of character" (according to what I was certain other people thought about me). I was never asked about it, but it stayed with me for a while. Made me feel a bit mad, but also proud. I dared to be different. Maybe I was secretly hoping that someone would recognize me in the oddness. Yet noone seemed to even notice. In retrospect my life is full of these acts of seemingly random weirdness.
Was crowned "tomato" of the year at the graduation ceremony in high school (came as a shock and I didn't understand anything at the time). Only one girl wanted to dance with me, and she was odd, different. I felt disgust for her, I think, but also compassion... As I write this, I understand it was probably my own self image imposed on her.
Lots of stuff happened. I was really starting to fit in. Except I couldn't complete my University degree, couldn't connect with the girls I wanted, I just couldn't do anything my friends did. And I was too ashamed to tell. So I stayed silent. The lies I did pull (about how my studies were going) were rehearsed to the point of perfection, so I pulled them from memory when needed. It was a nightmare. Even though I knew I was smarter. At least that I used to be smarter, back in school. According to my grades. Smarter... My confidence dropped, self loathing increasing. What was wrong with me?!? I was lazy, weak. It was normal to have the troubles I went through, I thought, and since I couldn't do what everyone else could, it was because I was weak. Shame took hold. Anxiety grew. Slowly I accepted my place as a nobody. It calmed me down. I could exist that way.
Fast forward, 7 years ago. Out of the blue I meet a girl. She made me feel something I had never felt before: ... but I can't put it into words. Connection? Recognition? She was brutually honest about what she didn't like about me. Which was a whole lot. It didn't matter to me. I was lost in her, I disappead, she was perfect. Time stood still. In just a couple of dates she was able to melt my armor. She could see me through all my rehearsed ********. I had spent days reading dating books and pickup guides and whatnot, I was quite confident in those abilities. They didn't work on her.
It was the greatest time of my life. I was baffled as to why she wasn't surrounded by admirers...
It felt like she didn't care much about me (except when we were drunk), but she still agreed to a few dates and we spent some time together. It was crazy, but amazing. One day her friend asks me: "Why are you two not together?"... ????? What? She doesn't even like me? Why would you ask that? I didn't ask her why she asked. I was too confused and couldn't believe what I had just heard.
Then the girl went away to study abroad. She was the most honest, passionate, REAL person I had ever met. Everything clicked.
-
Something started happening in me, quickly. I started reading books again, reading the Hitchhiker's Guide for the first time. I sougth everything that I knew this girl had loved. No. What I THOUGHT she loved. I didn't know much about her. And I loved everything. Was it because I was obsessed with her? Yes and no. I was obsessed with the idea of her. She gave me hope. I found myself again. I loved myself for loving her. I sent her a very long letter explaining everything I loved about her, why she was so great. I couldn't stop myself, I wanted her to love herself.
-
Tons have happened since then. I dared to speak about my problems with sweating in social situations to a friend. She feels like a sister to me to this day. I'm forever indebted to her because she listened. I dared to seek professional help, although I didn't know what for, just that I needed help. At first I thought it was physical. But everything was fine with my body.
I was put on SSRIs without further questions by the doctor. You're depressed and anxious, take these. She didn't listen. I was on SSRIs for two years. I became another person. But I never felt like myself, it was a nightmare. Couldn't sleep, couldn't rest. It made me more agreeable to the world, but not myself. At least that's how I remember it now. I quit on my own because at that point, it couldn't get any worse.
I met a great psychiatrist, and was introduced to group therapy. I was diagnosed first with social phobia, avoidant personality disorder, and later ADHD.
And then:
I was having what I thought was an anxiety attack in a group therapy session. Noone seemed to notice. The next week, at the next therapy session, I was brave enough to ask: Why didn't you react, couldn't you see I was in pain? No, they didn't notice anything.
My logical mind started working, like a crazy professor. I scoured the internet, piecing together everything I could. No, it's not this, or that... doubt... could it just be narcissism (my sudden realization that I was in a way extremely self centered..... but I feel altruistic, I want to function so I can help others). Why is it possible for me to doubt myself when I feel the truth so strongly? What is wrong with me, why can't I trust myself? I know I'm.. but I can't believe it on my own.
How would I find the truth about myself? Without a shadow of a doubt? I can't, but I can try, logically. By accepting this fact:
"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
-ACD
I arrive here. Logically I believe I know the truth, but I need you.
Two theories remain:
Am I crazy,
or am I like you?
I believe I can understand most human concepts logically. That's why I doubt myself so much. But it drains me to use logic where others use intuition. It has taken me 35 years to come this far, I have a desperate need for confirmation. Right this moment, I feel certain in myself but scared of the world, there is too much information in my head at once. It is unbearable.
I do not know where to start.
I'm crying and shivering and I feel so proud and happy and scared.
A parts of me thinks I'm a coward, a fake, an attention seeker.
Another part loves me for doing everything I can to reach out.
I'm sharing this because I want to accept myself.
And maybe help that girl.
-
Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me. Sorry for the inevitable mistakes.
