First impressions

[Kayla55]

My 5 year old first trip to the farm, introduction is his attempt to put his best foot forward (so to speak) so he had awareness from young but it didn't last long before he was locking himself in the room, alone.
Noticing this, yip, that was me in life...
And countless times friendship or job didn't last. But interesting thing is to note that we are aware of our issues, we just unable to deal with it.

Now learning to create a good first impression, like say how to ace an interview, but how long can you mask after that?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The same could be said for going out on that first date with someone special. How long does it take for them to realize who you really are?

You're right in that not everyone masks well, and even if they do, how much mental energy, stamina, self-discipline, and self-control are you expected to produce over the long-term?

Every situation is different. Do you tell people you are autistic so that they can put things into proper perspective, perhaps allowing you to relax a bit, or are they going to use this knowledge against you in some way? In my life, both happens, but at least I am in control of the situation. People who reject or marginalize me, can go away. They're not the people I want to associate with anyways. I can weed people out of my life quickly. Those that can accept things and still be a good, friendly, reliable, acquaintance or friend, I hang onto. As we get older and less tolerant of people, we are much quicker to accept rejection and simply move on, rather than getting upset. Young people really struggle with this, as their self-esteem is often tied to how many people like them.

I am of the mind that honesty is the best policy. Be confident. Take control and put yourself in a position of power, and never an anxious, defensive position. There are those that will accept. There are those that will reject or marginalize. Quickly get rid of the later.

This topic is really difficult with young people, especially those kids who are perceived as "different" and are subjected to bullying, teasing, marginalization, and outright rejection. Kids can be horrible to one another. How do you instill this thing called "self-confidence" and "self-esteem" in someone who seems always on the defense and is developing social anxieties because of it? "Why don't people like me?" As a parent, this sort of thing is worrisome and sad, in part, because in their world, it is such a big deal to them. The whole conversation about "Well, when you are older,....blah, blah, blah." is meaningless when they need the help now, not acceptance of their situation years from now.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I agree that it is better to be upfront with people about your condition (especially in the case of potential friends, dates, ect ) because for one thing it will hurt more if someone you thought cared about you rejects you later than if I stranger rejects you now.

 

[Judge]

The most fundamental problem I see in such a question is that most NT persons you come into contact with won't likely have *any real perspective* on what autism is.

That it's far more likely they will default to stereotypes and stigmatizing that runs rampant in American society when it comes to autism. One could say things are improving, but it's a misnomer to assume the average person has an average understanding of autism. Unless of course, that we two percent of society has somehow touched that particular person to enlighten them somewhat. That in the final analysis, defaulting to telling anyone and everyone at first contact that you are autistic is ultimately a losing proposition. Of course for those who cannot effectively mask themselves, well....they really have little choice over the matter.

While many of us may feel self-conscious and uneasy over masking who and what we are, another reality is that in all likelihood even those NTs in your closest social orbit aren't likely to even give the concept of masking a thought.

Of course this is all just my own opinion, but it's based largely on my closest social orbit between relatives I have known all my life. Who while they know I am on the spectrum, they still don't really understand much of any of it, and subsequently marginalize me in spite of it.

That's MY reality....and why I am one of many in this community who always defaults to the idea of keeping it all on a "need-to-know" basis only. Remaining acutely aware that:

* There will always be a few who want to understand and will succeed in doing it.

* That there will be a few more who want to understand and fail.

* Leaving the vast majority who simply default to the thought process of a neurological majority and insist or even demand that we conform accordingly without exception.

All of which leaves me with a determination to be somewhat in control of first impressions, and allow them to be based on how I appear and what I say, rather than to depend on their understanding of something so complex that in all likelihood, they simply don't have a clue about to begin with.

Though I also realize for some of you, this is damn near impossible. I get that too...

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The most fundamental problem I see in such a question is that most NT persons you come into contact with won't likely have *any real perspective* on what autism is.

That it's far more likely they will default to stereotypes and stigmatizing that runs rampant in American society when it comes to autism. One could say things are improving, but it's a misnomer to assume the average person has an average understanding of autism. Unless of course, that we two percent of society has somehow touched that particular person to enlighten them somewhat. That in the final analysis, defaulting to telling anyone and everyone at first contact that you are autistic is ultimately a losing proposition. Of course for those who cannot effectively mask themselves, well....they really have little choice over the matter.

While many of us may feel self-conscious and uneasy over masking who and what we are, another reality is that in all likelihood even those NTs in your closest social orbit aren't likely to even give the concept of masking a thought.

Of course this is all just my own opinion, but it's based largely on my closest social orbit between relatives I have known all my life. Who while they know I am on the spectrum, they still don't really understand much of any of it, and subsequently marginalize me in spite of it.

That's MY reality....and why I am one of many in this community who always defaults to the idea of keeping it all on a "need-to-know" basis only. Remaining acutely aware that:

* There will always be a few who want to understand and will succeed in doing it.

* That there will be a few more who want to understand and fail.

* Leaving the vast majority who simply default to the thought process of a neurological majority and insist or even demand that we conform accordingly without exception.

All of which leaves me with a determination to be somewhat in control of first impressions, and allow them to be based on how I appear and what I say, rather than to depend on their understanding of something so complex that in all likelihood, they simply don't have a clue about to begin with.

Though I also realize for some of you, this is damn near impossible. I get that too...

I don't try to explain what autism is. You're right, other people are not going to have any real perspective.

What I do though is explain what "my autism" might mean when interacting with me. This is more helpful. I also present it with some humor, just to break down whatever uncomfortable feelings might be present. This is where the confidence and power come from. If you have the ability to NOT take yourself so darn seriously, you remove any power they might have to bully you. As soon as a bully sees you are insecure, that's when they strike.

 

[Judge]

As soon as a bully sees you are insecure, that's when they strike.

For me that was definitely an aspect of my childhood upbringing, masking or not. To show no fear no matter how I felt, and to stand my ground and apply violence on a level beyond what most bullies would have even expected or contemplated.

Of course I was raised by a military professional which involved a somewhat different way of family life and outlook compared to others. In this respect, it worked.

Though confrontations with adults in the workplace, that's another can of warms entirely. An environment I learned to remain intensely "political" in, yet keep my head down as much as possible. The few who crossed me in the workplace all wound up terminated for cause. My best strategy was to occasionally befriend employees with equal or higher levels of authority. Go figure.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't think I can mask but so well.

ASD - I am not sure how I do in day to day settings, but in formal ones I seem to usually get feedback that my eye contact is either too little, too much or too shifty. Rocking can be partially masked by doing something else like bouncing my leg up and down instead, but people don't tend to like that either. I think that masking special interests can be counterproductive in some situations. For example, why would it be beneficial to hide your enthusiasm for a job at the interview or how can you find a friend who shares your interests if you are pretending to like whatever is trending instead while hiding your real interests?

ADHD - Most of the random blurt outs can be limited. For example, I can refrain from exclaiming " Wow! Look! That cloud looks like an elephant." if I am in a situation where I need to. It is harder; however, to prevent myself from fidgeting and trying to increases feelings of anxiety.

PTSD (undiagnosed) - Apart from frequent nightmares and frequent bouts of derealization, my suspected PTSD mostly presents as an intensification of the symptoms of my other conditions so in a sense the other conditions in large part mask this one.

OCD?/specific phobia? (undiagnosed) - I've been dealing with this one at least since I was around 13 or so. It is not as bad as it used to be during my teens years and I can mask most aspects when necessary for long enough to be by myself before heading to the sink or rearranging something. Direct contact with certain things do still send me running frantically to the nearest sink though and I don't think I could completely mask these parts of the problem.

PBA? (undiagnosed) - I've been dealing with this since I was around 8 or 9 though I never even knew it existed until I was almost to my 30s. Trying to mask this one seems to only make it worse.

Short bursts of hypomania - cause unknown - I've probably had this my whole life just like ASD and ADHD. I can mask the more zany aspects such as galloping back and forth while yoddeling the word meow until I get home, but it intensifies ASD stimming, ADHD fidgeting, and PBA? laughing and less frequently crying. These intensified symptoms are difficult to impossible to mask.

 

[Kayla55]

I think I can mask very well but from a distance, as soon as it gets too personal or he tries to touch me, and I freeze up, almost jump out of my skin. I do have limited humour but sexist jokes just get me down and I think men on spectrum may feel same way.
In that opposites attract and that NT may at first seem exciting can quickly turn to the usual differences arising, even if the NT hadn't noticed but I have that they have social acceptances that differ greatly and don't tend to always seek out individualism or have own views formed outsidd of the society. So for men it's simple if sex is agenda, but in sense that women tends to look for more, I feel isolated trying to date NT.
NT are also skilled hunters in own right, knowing they're coming in for survival and on alert for new ideas at all times, seem to lack deeper insight into project, may not spend same time commitment or seem confused by my interpretation of outcomes or answers to troubleshooting.

 

[Kayla55]

Also dating when you're older with skills that you acquire and bring to table does make more sense, something youngsters don't really have and for me created a lot of confusion. Most guys agree that it's not just sex, they want women who is supportive of their ideas, who shows genuine caring but being young it's confusing.
To say we all want acceptance is true, even for physical attraction some may seem to stray in search of it. But once the person found confidence they then only tend to be able to relax to understand emotional demands perhaps society prohibits men from showing feeling so it's portrayed as he has one thing on his mind.
Older people just have more rational over acceptance of love and balancing act of skillset of survival skills one has to offer.