pedallist
New Member
Hi all. I'm 44, and have been in a relationship with a strongly NT woman for 12 years, and married for 9. We have two children, boys, 8 and 10. My personality is of a kind which has led us both to consider whether I'm on the spectrum - emotionally I often find it hard to describe how I'm feeling (and feel a general sense of confusion in situations where I try to isolate my emotions), overload quickly and 'lose the thread' in complex social situations (needing to be on my own to recharge), and lack adaptability (and in many situations that elusive quality of 'common sense'!).
But I also lack other traits - no sensory issues, no real marked obsessive interests etc. etc.. Sure, I'm good at remembering facts (used to be better, but that's having kids for you...), concentrating, cerebral and a bit intellectually obsessive - I have phD in philosophy, and you don't get there without being a bit 'obsessive'. But if ASD is a set of traits that make up a kind of 'dashboard', then I don't register in lots of areas. We suspect our older son is also on the spectrum, but once again, his traits manifest very subtly for the most part.
Over the last 3-4 years my wife and I have found our relationship has become harder and harder. The dynamic described by Maxine Ashton in her books on the AS-NT relationship fits our experience to a T - my wife feeling progressively more lonely as what she sees as my lack of empathy and emotional absence makes itself more and more felt. Grieving what she sees as the emotionally-intimate relationship she thought she had, and frustrated that I don't seem to make the running in trying to change things. Truth is, she has benchmarks to compare us to (her past, intimately more alive, relationships) and I don't (no real long-term relationships, no expectations of what 'we' should be like).
We've had couples counselling with a very good counsellor with plenty of experience of AS-NT relationships, and I've had counselling on my own (prior to that) to explore other reasons for why I am like I am - all the classic developmental stuff, in my case the death of my father when I was young (10) and being brought up by a caring but emotionally very distant mother. Thinking about nature (AS and its genetics) and nurture (my childhood and adolescence) has made me wonder whether AS is the best way to explain how I am. But there are things there which just don't fit with any other explanation, though trying to get a Dx seems a bit pointless.
We're currently questioning who we are together and wondering what's best for the future. We share so much - we trust each other absolutely, and are compatible near to 100% on how to parent, politics, religion, why our families are screwed up and so much else. But the question of intimacy is, for her, where it falls down.
No idea what the future holds at the moment and wanting to hear about other people's experiences.
But I also lack other traits - no sensory issues, no real marked obsessive interests etc. etc.. Sure, I'm good at remembering facts (used to be better, but that's having kids for you...), concentrating, cerebral and a bit intellectually obsessive - I have phD in philosophy, and you don't get there without being a bit 'obsessive'. But if ASD is a set of traits that make up a kind of 'dashboard', then I don't register in lots of areas. We suspect our older son is also on the spectrum, but once again, his traits manifest very subtly for the most part.
Over the last 3-4 years my wife and I have found our relationship has become harder and harder. The dynamic described by Maxine Ashton in her books on the AS-NT relationship fits our experience to a T - my wife feeling progressively more lonely as what she sees as my lack of empathy and emotional absence makes itself more and more felt. Grieving what she sees as the emotionally-intimate relationship she thought she had, and frustrated that I don't seem to make the running in trying to change things. Truth is, she has benchmarks to compare us to (her past, intimately more alive, relationships) and I don't (no real long-term relationships, no expectations of what 'we' should be like).
We've had couples counselling with a very good counsellor with plenty of experience of AS-NT relationships, and I've had counselling on my own (prior to that) to explore other reasons for why I am like I am - all the classic developmental stuff, in my case the death of my father when I was young (10) and being brought up by a caring but emotionally very distant mother. Thinking about nature (AS and its genetics) and nurture (my childhood and adolescence) has made me wonder whether AS is the best way to explain how I am. But there are things there which just don't fit with any other explanation, though trying to get a Dx seems a bit pointless.
We're currently questioning who we are together and wondering what's best for the future. We share so much - we trust each other absolutely, and are compatible near to 100% on how to parent, politics, religion, why our families are screwed up and so much else. But the question of intimacy is, for her, where it falls down.
No idea what the future holds at the moment and wanting to hear about other people's experiences.
