floridathey
Well-Known Member
Hi!
I'm Tyler, I'm 20, I'm a musician, and I'm learning a lot about myself at this point in my life.
I made an account on here a while ago, but haven't posted.
The format here is kind of unintuitive and difficult on the eyes, and it's made it hard for me.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when I was 2, and when I started speaking again (after going mute), my parents more or less stopped acknowledging that diagnosis. They seemed to be convinced that I'd "grown out of it". For a good part of my childhood, I didn't even consider that autism was potentially a part of my life. My parents mentioned my diagnosis a couple of times shorthandedly throughout my childhood but didn't give much context for it or what it meant. By the time I first heard about it, I assumed that I'd "grown out of it" like everyone else assumed. "That has to be what happened". I thought autism was fine, but separate from me.
There were times in my adolescence that I questioned whether or not I was autistic.
The first set of times were because I was a part of an intelligence and talent search organization in the USA and the general population was both accepting of neurodiversity and disproportionately populated with gifted, neurodiverse people. Every once in a while, some of us would take screenings for autism and Asperger's and see what our results were. Mine were regularly high.
Then, I became really mentally ill and sick. Throughout my high school years, I was in and out of school, wanting to die, and I eventually dropped out of high school entirely to focus on my mental health. I'd been diagnosed with a dozen things, but treatments consistently had adverse effects, and I was an absolute shell of a person. Dissociating constantly, depressed, like nothing was there. I questioned autism because I stumbled across articles online about "autistic burnout".
Even still, I wasn't really emotionally equipped to understand that I had autism or that I could live authentically in any capacity.
I started to uncover a lot of the shame and guilt I had associated with my life and a lack of authenticity I felt because I tried to conform in a plethora of ways in my life. I understood that doing things that were "autistic" was wrong and shameful, and I realized that I started masking well before I had cultivated any sense of identity, and so I'd masked to the point that my masked behaviors had become an integral part of what would become my social identity. Many signs of autism were present throughout my entire life, but it was attributed to other things, I didn't know to look for them, or I ignored them (or masked them) completely.
I didn't consider autism seriously in relation to me until recently. I acknowledged that I wasn't living authentically, and I didn't understand what differentiated me from where I was and where I knew I could be. First I realized that I'm on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I joined the AVEN forums, and I found that a disproportionate amount of that community has people who are autistic, also. And so I did some more research and more meditation on it. I finally started allowing myself to acknowledge that I'm on the autism spectrum, and it's one of the most liberating things that I've experienced in my life. I haven't experienced the fruits of creating a life in which I can operate optimally by any means, but the prospects make life feel more enjoyable and more hopeful.
I have had my fair share of diversity, adversity, and experience in my human experience so far. I'm sure I share interests with a lot of people here and can offer a lot of insight. I'm also excited to learn more from visiting here and speak to people with similar experiences to me.
I'm Tyler, I'm 20, I'm a musician, and I'm learning a lot about myself at this point in my life.
I made an account on here a while ago, but haven't posted.
The format here is kind of unintuitive and difficult on the eyes, and it's made it hard for me.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when I was 2, and when I started speaking again (after going mute), my parents more or less stopped acknowledging that diagnosis. They seemed to be convinced that I'd "grown out of it". For a good part of my childhood, I didn't even consider that autism was potentially a part of my life. My parents mentioned my diagnosis a couple of times shorthandedly throughout my childhood but didn't give much context for it or what it meant. By the time I first heard about it, I assumed that I'd "grown out of it" like everyone else assumed. "That has to be what happened". I thought autism was fine, but separate from me.
There were times in my adolescence that I questioned whether or not I was autistic.
The first set of times were because I was a part of an intelligence and talent search organization in the USA and the general population was both accepting of neurodiversity and disproportionately populated with gifted, neurodiverse people. Every once in a while, some of us would take screenings for autism and Asperger's and see what our results were. Mine were regularly high.
Then, I became really mentally ill and sick. Throughout my high school years, I was in and out of school, wanting to die, and I eventually dropped out of high school entirely to focus on my mental health. I'd been diagnosed with a dozen things, but treatments consistently had adverse effects, and I was an absolute shell of a person. Dissociating constantly, depressed, like nothing was there. I questioned autism because I stumbled across articles online about "autistic burnout".
Even still, I wasn't really emotionally equipped to understand that I had autism or that I could live authentically in any capacity.
I started to uncover a lot of the shame and guilt I had associated with my life and a lack of authenticity I felt because I tried to conform in a plethora of ways in my life. I understood that doing things that were "autistic" was wrong and shameful, and I realized that I started masking well before I had cultivated any sense of identity, and so I'd masked to the point that my masked behaviors had become an integral part of what would become my social identity. Many signs of autism were present throughout my entire life, but it was attributed to other things, I didn't know to look for them, or I ignored them (or masked them) completely.
I didn't consider autism seriously in relation to me until recently. I acknowledged that I wasn't living authentically, and I didn't understand what differentiated me from where I was and where I knew I could be. First I realized that I'm on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I joined the AVEN forums, and I found that a disproportionate amount of that community has people who are autistic, also. And so I did some more research and more meditation on it. I finally started allowing myself to acknowledge that I'm on the autism spectrum, and it's one of the most liberating things that I've experienced in my life. I haven't experienced the fruits of creating a life in which I can operate optimally by any means, but the prospects make life feel more enjoyable and more hopeful.
I have had my fair share of diversity, adversity, and experience in my human experience so far. I'm sure I share interests with a lot of people here and can offer a lot of insight. I'm also excited to learn more from visiting here and speak to people with similar experiences to me.
