former good "friends" situation

[paloftoon]

I have been "friends" with a person whom I will call CA since my college days. We've kept in touch on and off for about 10 years, and he's helped me through some things, but doesn't initiate with me ever except for asking for a car ride. At first, I didn't mind. But when it was starting to affect my schedule, it did matter. When it was too much out of my way, he finally reimbursed me a bit for one time, and now has found another friend, MD, who lives closer to him who doesn't mind giving him a car ride instead.
I haven't had many good friends to choose from, and appreciated what little CA and even MD have done with me or for me.

MD and I met at a video game group about 1 year ago. Both of our demeaners are more laid back, and we seemed to have a similar view on not being crazy about Halloween because we thought the tricks were dumb, liking corn mazes apparently, and possibly video games. Lately though, he had a wife who started having some psychotic issues. As a result, he started spending less time hanging out with me or being able to give me energy to talk with me if I had something I felt I needed to talk about. He started complaining about money issues later on, and I knew he wasn't managing his funds well because he'd still drive around long distances to video game groups meetups and go to concerts with his wife at least once a month if not more, etc. Whenever he would talk about that, I would suggest to him he cut down on that or consider doing things that are closer to him such as walk around a park or something like that.

When I was frustrated about the level of communication I was starting to receive from MD, I told CA about it. I told him how MD e-mailed me and assumed I'd still be okay to help him sell a guitar. CA basically ignored me and found a video game to play. It sounds like he had just gotten a video game portable recently, so was less available online. He did tell me that "maybe I should not be friends with MD anymore" because no matter what he said, I felt that MD was using his wife and his situation as an excuse to just avoid responding to me and giving me the time of day, even the time when I saved him time from going to an event that was not happening on that day.

The next day, MD is supposed to call me because he told me he would, but instead e-mailed me and told me we should not be friends anymore because we don't have a lot in common. I responded to him within 1-2 hours and told him that he had lied to me about his interests and for him to ask me to sell his guitar at this point was selfish and wrong. It's not that I did not want to help him as I said before. But he kept pushing communication away from me to the point that I could not accept such a request. Say I actually sold the guitar. If I tried to call him to send the guitar off, maybe he "wouldn't have the money" or he "wouldn't know to send it off" and make my seller account look bad. If I have to take the guitar, it's a burden on me if I have family coming over. Or if I don't sell it and want to give it back to him, he wouldn't come and get it. So many other "warning signs" came up too, but they weren't serious enough for me to say we should definitely put a stop to the friendship. I feel that he is a coward for quitting and not wanting to make it work. It's frustrating because I basically lost 2 friends in one day. The other friend, CA, is now getting car rides from MD, which is fine with me because it was starting to become too much of a burden for me anyway. However, it is too ironic that CA would tell me not to be friends with MD, and then MD would follow through on the very next day.

After my e-mail to MD, the next day, he tried to call me and follow through, then e-mailed me since I did not pick up the phone. MD will not respond to me now unless I initiate now. I don't know if I want to hear what he has to 'say' or not. He did "apologize" and say I didn't do anything wrong. It doesn't change the fact that I can't trust anything he says though, and that I don't feel the apology is 100% real. I'm not sure what to do or who I can talk to.

I feel like I've been living my whole life like this. No matter how much better I improve socially, people try to say that I just don't know how to be around people. I feel a lot of people are cruel and/or in their own little worlds. I get very afraid if I need help for something, I won't know how to handle it. I am quite self-sufficient, but in many ways, I am not. I also feel quite crippled at the same time. Any thoughts or support or questions may be much appreciated.

 

[Spinning Compass]

It's always very tricky to complain to one friend about another, especially if they know each other. It sounds like you may have been set up in a classic "triangle game". That's my name for it. I've had it happen to me before, and I've learned to be very wary of what I say about people to other people.

Without knowing the people in this situation, my guess is that CA and MD joined forces against you simply because you lack social skills. Both were using you. I'd bet that after you talked with CA, he got on the phone or e-mailed MD and told him what you said or took what you said and added on to it, and they both had a good laugh at your expense. That is the kind of people they are and you just can't do anything about it except either A) avoid both of them or B) continue to have contact, but keep your eyes open because now you know neither can be trusted. If you decide to do A and are able to do A, don't say anything further to either. You owe no one an explanation. By explaining, YOU keep the game going at your expense. By refusing to play the game, by not discussing CA with MD and MD with CA, but changing the subject, you force them to find a new target.

 

[Judge]

So many perils of adulthood often put such a strain on friendships in general. It seems more often than not adults inherently "ration" their friendship over a variety of reasons. Perhaps this seems foreign to those of us like myself who deeply cherish the concept of friendship itself.

Sometimes I look back on such things not from the perspective of any neurological divide, but from a perspective of age. That meaningful, lasting friendships were actually just a distant childhood memory and little else when the rest of our adult lives revolve around unending turmoil of one kind or another.

I guess ultimately all we can do is be cognizant of such social dynamics, and be on the lookout for those who might actually project the want and need to be a real friend rather than merely a fair-weather friend given all the obstacles of adulthood.

 

[Ereth]

Issues like this usually need a neutral third party if there is any hope for a sensible resolution. It sounds like you all need to sit down with a mediator of some kind and hash everything out.

Or things could be too far gone to salvage the friendships. I don't know your friends, so it's a decision you'll have to make yourself.

 

[paloftoon]

Update: No such mediator could exist in this situation. He ended up dropping the video game group and I heard that he joined horror groups, something he's truly interested in. I think that person was going through immature phases and not handling his insane wife situation well.