Maplelucky13
1234*
I managed to make a friend, it was their idea, and they knew I was socially awkward and not sure if it was a good idea when they suggested it. We used to chat away to each other every day, and we would find it fun to spend time together and to do things I wouldn't otherwise do. I felt so much more confident and happy with my friend by my side. They even introduced me into their social circle, and I met new people who seemed understanding, who I hoped I might be able to work out how to make friends with. They are the person who made me realise I had autism, and they were the person who supported me as I went through the diagnosis process. I was hopeful I was learning and improving socially with more practice and exposure.
It was so easy at first, but after a while, no matter how hard I worked at it, I stopped being a fun friend for the other person. I couldn't understand what had changed, I was still the same person. My friend made lots of effort to try to allow for my difficulties and tolerated things that they wouldn't need to from their other friends. We talked about where we found things challenging and tried out applying coping mechanisms to our interactions. They came to struggle with some of my traits, and a sort of disillusionment seemed to set in. I found it very hard that they didn't seem to like me as much as they used to.
It is sad that I made my friend unhappy because of being the way I am. I feel like I was a burden on them. I hoped I could learn to improve through counselling after my diagnosis. My counsellor told me my traits are not good for having friends, and that I would be less stressed not trying to have one. I find misperceptions upsetting, I am not good at interpreting what people mean, and my reciprocity is low.
I told my friend, we should not be friends anymore, and I shutdown. I feel like it is selfish to try to keep my friend, as they don't need to put up with me. It is hard as I work with them, and I see how they have friendships with other colleagues. Our office is an open plan floor and it is constantly worrying that I might be doing something seen as socially abnormal. I do not think they miss me as they have easier friends to replace me with, and so I should let them be, but I am finding it more difficult as I have never managed to make a connection like that before and I am alone, and apparently will always be so.
Based on what my counsellor said I am statistically unlikely ever to make a connection like that again. The counsellor didn't have anything for me to constructively work on, so I am not seeing them anymore. It is very frustrating and sad when my friend is willing to be my friend, and we both tried really hard, but I am not able to fix myself to be a fit friend. My friend is a good person, and I think I am too, I wish there was a way to make it work.
It was so easy at first, but after a while, no matter how hard I worked at it, I stopped being a fun friend for the other person. I couldn't understand what had changed, I was still the same person. My friend made lots of effort to try to allow for my difficulties and tolerated things that they wouldn't need to from their other friends. We talked about where we found things challenging and tried out applying coping mechanisms to our interactions. They came to struggle with some of my traits, and a sort of disillusionment seemed to set in. I found it very hard that they didn't seem to like me as much as they used to.
It is sad that I made my friend unhappy because of being the way I am. I feel like I was a burden on them. I hoped I could learn to improve through counselling after my diagnosis. My counsellor told me my traits are not good for having friends, and that I would be less stressed not trying to have one. I find misperceptions upsetting, I am not good at interpreting what people mean, and my reciprocity is low.
I told my friend, we should not be friends anymore, and I shutdown. I feel like it is selfish to try to keep my friend, as they don't need to put up with me. It is hard as I work with them, and I see how they have friendships with other colleagues. Our office is an open plan floor and it is constantly worrying that I might be doing something seen as socially abnormal. I do not think they miss me as they have easier friends to replace me with, and so I should let them be, but I am finding it more difficult as I have never managed to make a connection like that before and I am alone, and apparently will always be so.
Based on what my counsellor said I am statistically unlikely ever to make a connection like that again. The counsellor didn't have anything for me to constructively work on, so I am not seeing them anymore. It is very frustrating and sad when my friend is willing to be my friend, and we both tried really hard, but I am not able to fix myself to be a fit friend. My friend is a good person, and I think I am too, I wish there was a way to make it work.
We may not make as many friends as our neurotypical counterparts, but with the few friends we do make, we share deeper bonds with and our friendships are lifelong. 
