Freaking out because I have to go out

[Neia]

Today is a work day. I'll have to get out of the house, actually go outside and then go to work.

Just at the thought of that my body feels like there's some hot energy charge going through it. I'm trembling already.

As I start getting ready I feel worse. There are days when I just break down crying and repeating over and over "I don't want to go..."

I'll try telling myself that I have to, that I can do it, I've done it a million times before. Going out to work is nothing new.

Often I'll fund myself sitting on my bed, curled up and saying out loud that I want to go home. Then, of course, the ridicule of those words always hits because at that moment I am still home. But I feel like I'm already out and I want to get back where I feel safe and calmer.

I'll cry a lot while trembling and, by then, hyperventilating.

Sometimes I'll give in to the malaise that overtakes me, and end up not going.

Other times I'll manage to force myself to go, get there and sit for quite a while trying to regain control over my body, because strength has vanished from it and I feel like my muscles are made of electric jelly.

I miss the days when I could go to work and just get on with it. Do my tasks at a hig level, pretend like I enjoyed chit-chat, spend as many hours as needed at work, then get home and finally relax until the next day.

I hate feeling like this.

 

[Outdated]

It sounds similar to what happened to me when I was burnt out. I don't really have a lot of advice though. Not knowing what was happening to me or why I kept pushing on, I was trying to make my life work again but I just got worse and worse. I broke in the end and ran away in to the rainforests to live like a feral.

We have pretty good unemployment and welfare systems here, I think in hindsight I should have stopped working back then instead of trying to be normal.

 

[Rodafina]

I miss the days when I could go to work and just get on with it. Do my tasks at a hig level, pretend like I enjoyed chit-chat, spend as many hours as needed at work, then get home and finally relax until the next day.

It sounds like maybe something has changed for you. Do you know what allowed you to not feel so miserable about going to work before?

 

[Neia]

It sounds like maybe something has changed for you. Do you know what allowed you to not feel so miserable about going to work before?

No idea.
All I know is that I could go. Even when it was hard, I'd still go without much of an issue.
Now it's so difficult that I literally feel sick, like I'm going to pass out sometimes.

And when I'm there I feel like my body wants to run away from me.

 

[Rodafina]

No idea.
All I know is that I could go. Even when it was hard, I'd still go without much of an issue.
Now it's so difficult that I literally feel sick, like I'm going to pass out sometimes.

It might be helpful to try to understand what changed. Understanding this better may allow you to imagine what future changes could be made to feel less terrible about going out.

Have you read any threads here regarding masking and the toll it can take over time? Some of us have had the experience of being able to "get on with it" and put on a good show for many years - seemingly functioning well. But, this takes its toll over time and becomes unsustainable leading to meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout.

It also seems quite common for people here to have the experience of losing the ability to mask so much. Once we discover autism in later life and start to understand ourselves much better, it becomes much harder to pretend and just get on with it. It feels better to be our authentic selves and make the necessary changes to life that allow for us to better manage social and sensory overstimulation.

 

[Neia]

It might be helpful to try to understand what changed. Understanding this better may allow you to imagine what future changes could be made to feel less terrible about going out.

Have you read any threads here regarding masking and the toll it can take over time? Some of us have had the experience of being able to "get on with it" and put on a good show for many years - seemingly functioning well. But, this takes its toll over time and becomes unsustainable leading to meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout.

It also seems quite common for people here to have the experience of losing the ability to mask so much. Once we discover autism in later life and start to understand ourselves much better, it becomes much harder to pretend and just get on with it. It feels better to be our authentic selves and make the necessary changes to life that allow for us to better manage social and sensory overstimulation.

I now know that I have been masking for most of my life, trying so hard to be like everyone else around me.

I remember feeling a little jealous of my youngest aunt (3 years older than me) as she got a free pass to be as "spoiled" as she wanted to because she had a bad heart condition and was (wrongly) diagnosed as retarded. Nobody put any expectations on her, but I was "normal and smart", so I couldn't have tantrums or feel upset when overwhelmed by a situation. I always got punished for that.

I still feel so angry and hurt when I remember my childhood. Even before I started suspecting I might be on the spectrum...

I figured out, with the help of some friends, and after my mom passed, that she had some strong narcissistic traits. I started realising that a lot of what I was trained to believe was normal, was actually manipulation, control and mental abuse.

Those were the biggest changes in my life. Losing my mother and realising that she was probably a covert narcissist.

Thank you for helping me think

 

[Neia]

It sounds similar to what happened to me when I was burnt out. I don't really have a lot of advice though. Not knowing what was happening to me or why I kept pushing on, I was trying to make my life work again but I just got worse and worse. I broke in the end and ran away in to the rainforests to live like a feral.

We have pretty good unemployment and welfare systems here, I think in hindsight I should have stopped working back then instead of trying to be normal.

I can't run away to the rainforest... too far away and not enough money to get there.
But I sometimes fantasise about moving to a small farm cottage in the middle of nowhere, where there are no roads and no one around for hundreds of kilometres. But with dogs, chickens, goats and internet...

 

[Outdated]

I moved up to Darwin hoping for a slower pace of life, but it was the social environments in work places that were wearing me down. Darwin itself is a tropical paradise, and when I gave up I literally walked away. If I'd been living in one of the southern cities back then that probably wouldn't have happened, but at the time it looked too easy.

 

[Neia]

I moved up to Darwin hoping for a slower pace of life, but it was the social environments in work places that were wearing me down. Darwin itself is a tropical paradise, and when I gave up I literally walked away. If I'd been living in one of the southern cities back then that probably wouldn't have happened, but at the time it looked too easy.

I dream of selling my place and moving up north, to one of those tiny little villages that are almost deserted now.

If God allows it, I'll do it as soon as I can. The only thing holding me here is my current job. I know that I won't be able to get a new one when this one's gone.

I'm too old for that now as employers prefer young people and, to be honest, I don't think I'd be able to do it again. Get a new job seems too scary, too overwhelming. Just the thought of it makes me want to run and hide.

I've been blessed with this part-time, and bosses that are kind and understanding. But they are old now. 77 and 70.
Sooner or later they'll retire, and I will not work for their son.

 

[Outdated]

I moved around my country quite a lot, pretty much every time I got depressed I'd move to another city and start again. But just like you, age became a big factor, I knew that I wouldn't be moving again after the last time. I settled on Adelaide because I grew up here and I know that they have the best welfare services in the country, and it's a nice city really.

If I had the money I'd be living somewhere a lot more remote but here I get government susidised housing. For most people rent is the biggest cost to their income and I wouldn't be able to afford to live paying commercial rent.

 

[Misty Avich]

Is it agoraphobia? I know I have that. It takes a lot of effort to get out of my comfort zone and take part in society when all I want to do is hide away indoors where I feel safe and unexposed.

 

[Neia]

Is it agoraphobia? I know I have that. It takes a lot of effort to get out of my comfort zone and take part in society when all I want to do is hide away indoors where I feel safe and unexposed.

I don't think so, because I also freak out while at work. And if I know I'm just going to buy some fabric or yarn I feel fine.

I think it gets bad when I know that I'll have to do something that other people place expectations on me.
The other day I had an appointment with my pneumologist, and I'd have to answer questions and explain stuff... I freaked out, had a meltdown (?) and called them saying I couldn't go.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't think so, because I also freak out while at work. And if I know I'm just going to buy some fabric or yarn I feel fine.

I think it gets bad when I know that I'll have to do something that other people place expectations on me.
The other day I had an appointment with my pneumologist, and I'd have to answer questions and explain stuff... I freaked out, had a meltdown (?) and called them saying I couldn't go.

I understand now.

 

[jsilver256]

Yeah, I used to be able to get dressed and have a job just fine.... while being dependent on alcohol and disassociating to the point where I could not hold a conversation with my own family!

This is the story of many working autistics here. Somewhere between age 45 and 50 seems to be the magic "final burnout" point for many here.

I'm still working, but I definitely start everyday praying to God that I can get through this one more day and that the day when I can stop working comes sooner rather than later.

 

[Misty Avich]

This is the story of many working autistics here. Somewhere between age 45 and 50 seems to be the magic "final burnout" point for many here.

This is why I panic at the thought of being unable to claim my pension in my mid-60s and the thought of the government continuously rising the pension age so by the time I'll get there it would have gone up to 90 or something. If I knew now that I was definitely going to get my pension at 60 or 65 or whatever then I'd quite happily work full-time now. But knowing I may never get to retire and will have to carry on working for the rest of my life, it fills me with depression. I get jealous of people who are retiring now, and get to have their last ever day at work in their mid-60s while they still have their health (these days 65 isn't old).

 

[Roisin]

It's so difficult to force yourself to do something that drains you, yet needs to be done to pay the bills.

I've had some success with gentle self talk and encouragement in these situations, its taken years to cultivate, after decades of judgement and shame, but it was well worth the effort.

Its still difficult to motivate myself, but I can come around quicker with self compassion.

 

[Neia]

It's so difficult to force yourself to do something that drains you, yet needs to be done to pay the bills.

I've had some success with gentle self talk and encouragement in these situations, its taken years to cultivate, after decades of judgement and shame, but it was well worth the effort.

Its still difficult to motivate myself, but I can come around quicker with self compassion.

I've been talking myself into things for years. School, socialising with friends or family, work...

I just feel like my batteries are drained and no longer accepting a charge, my OS is corrupted and unable to properly run, my cpu is damaged, my motherboard fried...

 

[Roisin]

Thats where you are at, and maybe it's a normal reaction to abnormal pressures for an Autistic person.

To clarify, the only thing I gently talk myself into doing is work, only so that I can mantain my independence. With family and friends I do it very rarely.

 

[jsilver256]

This is why I panic at the thought of being unable to claim my pension in my mid-60s and the thought of the government continuously rising the pension age so by the time I'll get there it would have gone up to 90 or something. If I knew now that I was definitely going to get my pension at 60 or 65 or whatever then I'd quite happily work full-time now. But knowing I may never get to retire and will have to carry on working for the rest of my life, it fills me with depression. I get jealous of people who are retiring now, and get to have their last ever day at work in their mid-60s while they still have their health (these days 65 isn't old).

If it makes you feel better, I don't see signs you're following the described autistic progression here. Lack of addictive substances is a positive sign.

As I understand it, not having quite reached this point yet, it's more like getting pushed and pushed into a corner until the masking mechanisms stop and you physically cannot handle work anymore. Like you arrive at the office and melt down or something. It's not about being tired of work, it's about being unable to work.

And hopefully if you ever reach the point where you're "unable" - that's when disability kicks in.

I'm working from home, so I have somewhat more latitude in this than others. But I do feel the snapping point coming on.

 

[Neia]

Thats where you are at, and maybe it's a normal reaction to abnormal pressures for an Autistic person.

To clarify, the only thing I gently talk myself into doing is work, only so that I can mantain my independence. With family and friends I do it very rarely.

I let go of socialising years ago.
All I have to do in person now is work and medical appointments.

And even the medical stuff is getting to be too much. I don't do well with conflict.