Freakout / Breakdown

[Time of the Butterflies]

Yesterday I had what I think was my first self-aware breakdowns. I'm in the Bahamas for winter break and it's so so so beautiful here and I've been looking forward to it for so long and my mom and dad even let me get a nice camera to take pictures here. In addition, my mom bought a waterproof camera so that I could take pictures. But yesterday when we went out of the house, my mom put my sister in charge of the camera, which of course infuriated me. However, my family is here with another, so I knew I couldn't create a huge scene. So I bit my lip and said nothing. But my hands started shaking, and my fingers dug into my skin. I tried to hold back tears but I couldn't because I really wanted to be able to take pictures. I didn't want to waste a single second. But there was nothing I could do about it. So it felt like my mind was taken to a whole other place. I guess that's the best I can describe it. I wasn't with everyone else; I was in a room with only me. And it made me so upset that I couldn't get what I wanted.

Today, the family's mom told me that my pictures "weren't good" that I took from today (at least 200 of them) which she later said was a joke. So she came out to talk to me and told me that I can take pictures whenever I want because I feel like I'm not allowed to because everyone makes me feel stressed. She also told me that the pictures I took were good and other "comforting words," but nothing that she said really helped. So after she left, I sat by myself and cried uncontrollably. I work so hard to get what I want even though I hardly ever get it, but so many people don't even work and things are just handed to them. I work so hard just to get through the day with whatever disorder I have, and no one realizes. I haven't told anyone, but it would only cause problems if I told people. I just don't know what to do. I feel completely worthless and I don't know what to do. I thought this trip would be wonderful as it was last year, but it turns out that my emotions are holding me back. And I don't know how to let them go.

 

[The Penguin]

That sounds very hard indeed. I think about the family I have, most family members make a decent income. However, to my knowledge for someone in my generation, I was the only person placed in a foster home. I know many people in family does bad things and they gets lots of support. As for my self I don't do anything wrong but I don't get much support at all. It bugs me as most family don't know what it like having a life not having good support from family and friends.

 

[Suzanne]

I experience the exact same when I feel someone has been unfair to me, even down to clenching my hands! It is like the rage is enveloping me in a tight grip and no outlet, but I am a christian (at least endeavour to be) and praying helps me calm down. It is the most indignant emotion

Perhaps if you were given prior warning ie today is your sister's turn, that would have helped. So saying that you can take pictures, you took it literally and never crossed your mind that it was for a short time.

Does your family know you are aspergic?

Because I now realise I take things literally, I am trying to work around it and so is my husband. I say: is that literal and go from there or he will say: I don't mean that literally, which defuseses any burning anger in me

 

[Progster]

I agree with Suzanne, if you were to share the camera with your sister, it should have been made clear from the beginning and some sort of agreement or timetable worked out as to who has it and when. I can relate to how you feel, there have been many times when I've struggled to surpress an impending meltdown, with varying degrees of success. It's really hard, and it think it would help if you talked to your family about it and told them how hard such sudden changes can be for you, then perhaps similar problems can be avoided in the future.

 

[eawilli]

Agreed. I also had my first "meltdown" yesterday where I knew that I was breaking down. We're in the process of moving, and it's REALLY stressful for me, and I couldn't handle it anymore. So I broke down. Like you, no one knows what's going on, so it just made me look that much worse. Clear cut schedules/instructions are the best way to avoid it, but in the moment, after the rage and pity are gone, I try to think of what I could have done differently to lessen the breakdown....but I'm not quite sure in my case. However, most of my meltdowns have been pretty quick to come and go. I think that (for me, at least, it seems) once they catch on what may bring on my meltdowns, they're pretty quick to try to help me avoid one or to hurry off of it.

 

[Warmheart]

Frustration, helplessness, and being thwarted from our needs and expectations are really hard for some of us. Then, we're stuck for a long while in the emotional aftershocks. It's rough on us.

Yes, it could create new problems by letting people know you have ASD. In a situation where you must live with or spend much time with people when you are feeling raw and overloaded, it can help people to be more understanding.

May the warm air, healthy negative ions, and natural beauty of your gorgeous location bring you soothing relief and a sense of peace.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I back the "take turns" thing. It certainly helps a lot of my desires if it's not something explicitly mine, and takes all the bite out of it when it's not my turn too. How sensitive and patient is your mother? One thing my mom and I did years before finding out properly I was autistic was come up with a few phrases to say so we could talk very frankly without causing hurt feelings, because it is very easy to get offended asking about or telling why you do some things. You could say something like, "I'm not picking a fight or placing blame, but could you be upfront with me about the rules of who gets the camera, when, and why?" Or whatever is the best way to word it so your mom gets your point and doesn't think you're being petty or ungrateful or some other negative thing. I've used the "it's not you, it's me" thing pretty often, and once my mom knows if she gives me some heads up to a situation, it all floats on smoothly after that. No fuss, no muss, we all have a good time.