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Friend is changing

Ronfocus

New Member
Hi this is my first post here on the forums. I have read a lot about Asperger's syndrome and learned a great deal of what I know from this site. I do not have it. I am an NT but my best friend does have Asperger's. We have been very best friends since we were both toddlers. About 15 years now. He's doing things that I cannot understand so I'm hoping someone on here can help me. He is homeschooled because when he went to public school he got bullied because he is a lot smaller than your average 17 year old.

So back in September his mom enrolled him in a biology co-op for homeschooled kids. Well after his first day there when I contacted him to ask how it went he was not acting like his normal self. He was very weird acting. Well I figured that his day went pretty bad and he was on the verge of a meltdown so I let him know that I would be here for him if he needed me and gave him some space. I have had to do that before in the past so it wasn't a big deal.

His younger brother who also goes to the same co-op told me about a week after all that went down that there was some girl there that he liked. He finally got up the courage to tell her that and she said that she only likes him as a friend and nothing more. So he kind of went a little stalkerish with her by making fake social media accounts when she wouldn't talk to him. Well she found out then got mad at him and they stopped talking.

He was really upset about that and when he finally calmed down he went back to his old self and everything was fine. Until December. He again got weird acting but this time he told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. I was devastated with this because we have been best friends for so long and he wouldn't even give me a reason why he was doing that to me. 2 days later he texted me and told me he was sorry and he didn't mean any of it.

A few weeks after that we both went on a weekend fishing trip with his older brother. During that trip we talked for 8 hours about that girl that he likes. He told me that she doesn't like him the way he likes her and was upset and crying about it. She started dating some other guy so he told me he was done with the obsession that he had over her. Again after that everything was cool with us and we went back to being best friends.

Starting at the end of February it seemed like he would just try to pick fights with me for no reason at all then be ok a day or 2 later. At the end of March he texted me and told me and told me again that he didn't want to be friends anymore. I was hurt from this but from my experience in the past I figured he would be ok and be back to his old self in a couple of weeks.

Then everything about him changed. The type of music he listened too, the career that he had picked out, his political and religious beliefs, he even stopped playing video games. This was not like him at all because music and games was his passion and he hated country music which was his new music of choice. Well again I find out from his little brother that he is texting with that girl again and she is the one who is changing him. She has told him multiple time that she will not be anything more than a friend to him. His obsession with her is unhealthy.

He is posting a bunch of stuff on Twitter that had me concerned about him. He sent me a text saying he was going to kill himself on 2 separate occasions. I told his mom and she said that he is just saying that and would never do that. So far 5 weeks has gone by and he hasn't pulled himself out of this yet. His brother is worried because he is so different now. He said all he does all day is watch stuff about fish because that is his new career choice. Marine biologist. His brother also told me that he is miserable with himself and all he can talk is that girl and how he is happy he can be friends with her.


Thing is he gave up me his best friend and another close friend which between me and him were the only people he was friends with. I gave him a few weeks then contacted him and he freaked out on me for no reason. He told me that he never wanted to talk to me again then blocked me on all his social media accounts and texting.

I am very hurt from all of this because I didn't do anything wrong to him. All I did was be his friend and support him however I could. I have lost sleep and cried over this. I know he still cares about me and I do believe he wants to fix this with us but his pride is getting in the way. I just want him back to his old self. I want my best friend back and I don't know what to do with this. I'm tired of crying over this.

Today he sent me a message through the Kik app asking me for a favor. He wants me to get him a computer game. Now he normally plays console games but hasn't since all this started with him. I haven't responded to his message yet. Can anyone here tell me what they think is going on. He has never changed like this. Actually he's been the same as long as I have know him for. Is this just a phase? Will he ever go back to his old self. Sorry for the long post I just miss my best friend. Please can someone help me to figure this out.
 
Did you say that both of you are in your teens? Perhaps his changes are all hormone related and this is making him act differently than before? It is very puzzling to say the least. I hope others here can be more helpful, and I am sorry for the emotional pain that you are experiencing!
 
Did you say that both of you are in your teens? Perhaps his changes are all hormone related and this is making him act differently than before? It is very puzzling to say the least. I hope others here can be more helpful, and I am sorry for the emotional pain that you are experiencing!

It has puzzled me since all of this has started happening between us. The changes that he is going through just seem so fake. But it's not even that. I can live with the changes because I care about him and support him with everything he does and goes through. What bothers me the most is how he is cutting me and his other friend completely out of his life. Just a couple of months ago we were his only friends.
 
I have had a similar experience when a friend that I'd had for over fifteen years just blocked me on Facebook (and I had just been speaking to her the same day that it happened! I was in emotional pain for quite some time, so I can relate to how you are feeling. I hope that you either get this straightened out, or find the strength to move on...
 
It might not be a phase. It might be him changing. Lots of people NT or not want to put dates or potential dates above everything else, even their best friends. They can't or don't want to manage or pursue more than the romantic relationship they are interested in. Maybe they don't want to confide in friends for fear of competition and cheating as well. A lot of people have a hard time being honest about things like that NT or not. I would say you cannot get him the game. He needs to earn your trust again, but don't say that out unless he specifically asks. Just keep implying that in many different ways. Show him that you can stand up for yourself, but that he can still be your friend if he earns your trust. If this keeps happening in rounds, make it harder for him to earn each time so that you aren't so easily manipulated. Or here's another idea. Have your friend do a favor for you first. Tell him that if he can do something you want first, then you can get him this game. Or maybe just make sure he's going to take you seriously and tell him you want x dollars for the game (and if you're making a profit, then indicate this up front beforehand). If you have a paypal account, even better. Then you can give him the option to pay you via Paypal or in-person first. If he uses credit card, make sure you add about 4% to the charge, and let him know that beforehand when you make the offer.
 
This happened to me everytime with girls when I was younger. When I get rejected by girl I like, I would go into this mode of analyzing why I got turned down -- day and night thinking about it. I usually would conclude that I need to change something about myself to make that person like me, like change my music taste, change my eating habit, career change, stop playing video games etc. I would also be suspicious of people around her saying bad things about me, or stealing the girl from me. I would simply excommunicate anyone that I know who also knows her because of this. I would also alienate my friends because I would be shameful of the person I was turning into. Or I would be so obsessed with fixing the relationship and just don't have time to deal with my friends.

I am lucky that I have a sister who is my best friend there to help me. She is always patient and wise when it comes to relationships. For example, she would share her own rejection story with me -- despite having had tons of guys chasing after her. Until your friend comes to his senses and give up on the girl, I would suggest you stay by his side, be his friend when he needs you. Please understand that he simply lost his identity right now and can't figure out what is good for him. By the way, the process may take a long time depending on the level of obsession, and whether the girl is giving him confusing cues.

Has anyone told him that it is normal for people to get rejected all the time? Does he know that even the seemingly most perfect man gets rejected too? I used to think I get rejected because I am imperfect but after many failures and some successes, I understand it is simply the way human works, no one is perfect and no one is the perfect fit for another. Let him understand that there is a better person out there waiting for him if he is willing to give up on this one.
 
If he is mentioning ANYTHING about wanting to harm himself and is underage, you need to alert his parents and/or a trusted adult.

If he is an adult himself, well...laws vary between states/counties/countries/etc.
 

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