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friend is too avoidant with conflict

paloftoon

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have a friend who only likes to eat french fries in front of other people and no other foods.

We have shared some personal things with each other and her weight has gotten in the way for me to do many other things in life she enjoys.

One thing I discovered on my own about 4 - 6 months ago is that making carrot fries seem to have a similar enough texture to regular fries.

I've encouraged her to buy carrots. She got them at least once, but then her roommate(s) ended up using them instead. I've reminded her to get carrots again because she usually needs her dad to get her groceries for her. The last two times where she had a chance to get carrots but apparently forgot to, she tells me that she feels anxious/depressed and doesn't answer me about if she actually got carrots or not. I finally put together that she doesn't want to talk about the carrots and doesn't want to tell me that. I figured out on my own after awhile that she avoids conflict at "any cost" even if she gets dragged under the dirt for it or even if it's disrespectful.

We don't enjoy doing a lot of games in common. She asked me to try some games she liked and I did. Then I asked her to try some games I liked and she didn't try some of them.

Last few times I visited her, I helped her clean dishes because I like to help them like that, don't like feeling like I'm in a dirty place, and it's good exercise for me. She doesn't drive, so she's not able to visit me that often.

I don't want to buy carrots myself and make them for her at this point. It feels like too much effort. This kind of unhealthy, psychological reaction really bothers me and don't even want to keep her on as a FB friend. I guess because we've been decent friends for like 2 years, I should just keep the friendship, but only go to her birthday parties if she invites. I bought her something really nice last birthday, but now I think I should "tone" that generosity down. I don't feel comfortable with a "friend" that feels like they need to hear things be "sugary and sweet" for them only.

She's been a good friend for being a counselor like friend and helping me with social stuff in the past.

In some ways, I feel like I want to dump this friendship, because it just doesn't feel like I can talk to her as much now. I've been unintentionally harsh with her lately. When she was expressing her anxiousness for taking the cat to the vet because she was feeling down, I had recommended her consider giving the cats up for adoption because they'd probably be able to find a good home since a lot of people are adopting pets currently. She's having a hard time maintaining a budget for taking proper care of them, and one of the cats needed to go to the vet real bad earlier apparently and it takes awhile to get another appointment if she has to cancel one that was made earlier. Her reply was that the cats aren't going- period.
 
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Okay. l am trying not to yell here. Cats are like family. Telling her to give up her cat is like telling her to donate her sister or brother to the pound. People will hold on to the pets even in the most dire situations. There are homeless people who have pets. Maybe you could spend a little time and find nonprofit organizations that will help her and drive her there. I simply am trying to get you to see this differently. l am not judging you. Thanks for talking about this.
 
Some background on me, l helped an older lady who had too many cats. I never judged her on the fact her house smelled like a piss-hole or that she should have put her cat with a tumor has big as a tennis ball down at a vet. l judged her as a lady that had a dying relative whom she couldnt bare the thought of parting with who had minor accidents on the floor. So l helped her because she had so much grief about losing her cat relative.
 
This girl has parents to still help her out, for now. It's going to be a struggle for her to live independently. . .guess it's best I just don't get in the middle of that and she has to figure that out on her own. I think she got her cat from a cat cafe.
 
It sounds like you don't like her much. She deserves to eat whatever she wants and have the pets she wants. A friend should not just be a counselor. They are people with feelings and emotions. This does not mean you are a bad person or anything. It just seems that you both are quite different. Time to let her fly and find others like her and let you find others like you. Let us know what happens!
 
You don't need to dump her entirely. Why not just be a little more distant. Also, stop being so judgmental of her. She doesn't have to be your bff. Live and let live.
 
Aspychata said:
Okay. l am trying not to yell here. Cats are like family. Telling her to give up her cat is like telling her to donate her sister or brother to the pound. People will hold on to the pets even in the most dire situations. There are homeless people who have pets. Maybe you could spend a little time and find nonprofit organizations that will help her and drive her there. I simply am trying to get you to see this differently. l am not judging you. Thanks for talking about this.
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I know how you feel. My wife and I had five kids, who are grown and have families of their own. We now have Chihuahua's and they are our babies. A suggestion that we get rid of them would be like suggesting we get rid of our kids. Myself, my wife and our dogs are a family. We had five kids and we now have five Chihuahua's.
 
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