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Friends?

To me, a friend is a person who I can depend on if I need help, and who knows they can depend on me if they need help.

If my friend isn't willing to give me a hand (for any reasonable request) then they aren't really my friend. Obviously things are more complicated than that sometimes, but I think that's the gist of it.

Friends often spend time together because they both benefit from that socialization, so they are in fact helping each other just doing that. Friendship is most likely to succeed when the friends enjoy helping each other, or care about each other enough that they don't mind helping out.

How do you make a friend? I'm still learning about this - I'm not very good at it. I think it first consists of 1) getting to know people in casual settings and then after they know who you are 2) doing something for them so that they see that you have good intentions. If the person appreciates what you've done for them, then a cycle of reciprocation will begin.

I made my most recent friend by listening to her tell about how frustrated she was with school. After that we began to spend more time together.
 
Well, there's not usually much I can do for people, anyway. It can't even be agreed that we treat each other with respect, effectively. As, now, that's supposed to mean whatever anybody says. Although, oddly, the people insisting on that won't do it according to what I say. Ends up impossible to discuss it.
 
I was just thinking about it:-)) could never quite figure it out. In the past, I thought some of the people I knew were my friends, even best friends only to find out later that they didn't think that.
I believe that when you share personal stuff with people, spend lots of time together, remember each other birthdays etc, then you're friends ...?? I guess... I think it especially true about the personal stuff... But then again, some people can be very personal but they're not necessarily your friends... Maybe friends are those who you can always rely on when you're let's say... In trouble. I think I might just start asking people if they think of me as a friend :-) so far I think I have 3 friends for sure because they told me so :-))) It sounds ridiculous but what can you do :-) What about Facebook friends?... I think I'll post a thread on the subject...
 
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People often confuse the term friend with acquaintance and use them interchangeably. I find this mistake very annoying because it has slowly began to eat away at the commonly accepted idea of what a friend is.. or should I say was. Lately, it seems to be acceptable to call someone a friend that knows your name and doesn't hate you. Someone maybe that you met working on a project and had no other interaction with. I think this is due to a deterioration of self-esteem in most young people. Friends are a collectors item these days. The term "friend", for me, brings to mind someone that knows your flaws and embraces you for them, will help when you need help.. basically someone that you can rely on.. AND that can rely on you. Friendship is a two-way street.
 
Well, it may be more to do with how language is getting used now than anything else. Was there any advice for how to make friends? Perhaps we could elaborate on what's been said, too. Doesn't it depend what 'flaws' or are we supposed to be able to embrace any & all of them? Then, what about 'rely on'? Are we supposed to be able to help with any & every problem a 'friend' might have? That'd be impossible, too.
 
Perhaps I left out that people need to be compatible as well. They need to be flaws that you CAN embrace or at least ignore. (All of the flaws that are going to be noticed throughout the friendship). Of course, helping all of the time would be impossible.. but willing to help, I think, is critical in a friendship.

Now, as for advice on how to make friends, I do not know enough about you to give advice, but on the off-chance that you may get something out of what seems to be working for me, I will say this: I had to stop looking for all of the problems in the world before I could like anyone enough to get to know them.
 
I'd be willing to help just about anybody that I could help; I'm just trying to sort out what you're saying, as it isn't clear. It's just there's not much I'm likely to be able to do to help anybody! I don't think I was particularly looking for problems; it used to be also said that you do have to deal with them. Any I mention have come up plenty of times & I certainly did not expect them to before they did so. Since you brought up 'self-esteem', if that's supposed to be important, what is it supposed to mean? It's one of those things I was told was important but when I tried to find what it meant, it wasn't supposed to matter.
 
BruceCM, I think you're overanalyzing. I know I do it all the time, and I also know in some situations it's the worse thing you can do...but still can't help it. It seems that our minds need specific rules about friendship as about many other things in life. "Regular" folks don't seem to think about it that much. I just talked with a "regular" woman about friendship a few days ago. She said, in her opinion you become friends when there's certain level of trust between people. Very abstract, isn't it? :-) you can trust that you friend will not sell you to the enemies? :-) you can trust that your friend can babysit your kids? You can trust your friend don't tell everyone your deepest secrets? What else is on the list? :-) we need that specific information don't we? My opinion for today...currently formed :-) You pretty much know the basics of communication right? Need to smoothen rough edges - there plenty of resources (books, videos etc) for that. Get to know people and talk to them about boundaries of friendship, let them into your world. You might feel uncomfortable at 1st but once you accept yourself completely and carry all your traits and differences with confidence, or pride if you wish, many people will accept you, follow your lead and help you out when you need it. Another thing....you have to be honest with yourself. What kind of relationships are you looking for? What is it exactly that you are looking for in a friend and what are you willing to give? I think defining what you want is more important than defining what a "friend" is.
 
Whether most people do or do not think very much about it isn't the point. Most people don't think very much about science, say; it's the people that do think about it more that become scientists, though. Those are the ones that will advance our knowledge, not the ones that don't think about it. Then, if I'm supposed to accept my 'over-analyzing', I carry on doing it (so, your 'advice' would seem to me to contradict itself, sorry)! I am 36, so I did try to get to know people & to do what I was 'advised' to do, until it got into too many contradictions. To 'define' what I want from 'friends' is about the same as defining the term friend, surely. The former certainly relates to the latter & if the latter is now allowed to mean whatever I want, that's obvious. Which is ridiculous but then so's the idea in the first place.
 
I didn't mean to patronize you BruceCM, if that what you thought...or maybe you didn't but it seems you've got a little angry. It happens to me quite a lot. I don't think I contradict myself. I meant difference between some artificial definition of a "friend" created by someone else and you true personal needs. I could continue discuss this for hours but I think it's pointless. I was just expressing my opinion, if you don't find it helpful, leave it.
 
It seems too much like stuff I've heard before, is all; sorry if I over-reacted. Just trying to make sense of it, really. Would the other person think their 'definition' was 'artificial', though? When that might reflect their 'true personal needs'? It seemed we were talking about what we'd want from friends, which is rather different, for starters. Then, there's the question about realistic; is it realistic to expect a friend to fulfil all our needs? I'd say not but then which ones can they do & how did we decide that? To be 'honest' usually means 'truthful' but that was the question in the first place, as in, what does 'friend' mean, truly? If that term isn't supposed to have a true meaning, the rest unravels! Most of those are the fairly obvious points that occur to me without doing much thinking about it, by the way.
 
Didn't really want to get into the discussion again but couldn't help it. I'm just going to give an example...1st I'll say something else. I was also questioning what was a meaning of a "friend" nowadays? And now, I'm thinking why the hell was I asking it, if it all was quite simple actually... at least in my situation it was.
Now the example. There're 3 people in my life (besides the family members) that I conciser to be my friends. I'm not too concerned about terminology right now, I just decide - they are my friends.
All of them are very different, and there're plenty of things that I don't like about them, but each one of them gives me exactly what I need when I need it.
One of them can be negative sometimes but she doesn't decorates the reality in pretty colors. We might not talk a lot but I know and she has shown me many times, that she has believed and will always believe in me. And that is very important for me. Another friend...we have similar views and always have something to talk about, but then again she's much more romantic and unstable. We might be different, and sometimes I might need to keep my mouth shut about certain things but I stay with her, because she never judges me and we always support each other. Which is again, very important for me. And one more - I might never be able to share my deepest secrets with her like with the other 2 but I enjoy having nice conversations with her about family and kids. And her resilience inspires me.
Lately I started wondering if I should make more friends, and that's when all those questions about friendship started coming up. But I think I found answers. What else do I want to find in another person that will allow me to overlook qualities that I don't like? And I think I know the answers now...
I don't know if you find it helpful. Just one more thing I have to say - I think it's almost impossible to find everything you're looking for in another person. You just have to look for that one, the most important thing. But then again. It's just me. For some people it's very difficult to compromise.
 
Mainly, I just want somebody with whom I can discuss most things! Anybody think that should be reasonable?
 
Someone is a friend if they treat me nice and hang out with me often. I dont know how to make friends other than online yet I still fail as they dont like me for long. I currently have no friends.
 
me? when someone who doesnt judge me, when someone doesnt lie to me, when someone doesnt slag me off, when someone doesnt use me, when someone doesnt ignore me, when someone treats me like an equal.
 
OK, which all sounds reasonable & I think most people would be able to agree with all of that - in theory, at least. It's just that 'being nice' isn't a very clear term & I thought it best to check what sort of things you did mean. It's the in practice that it gets a lot more complicated. If we're talking about not 'judging', for instance, how are we to tell (without any judging) whether somebody really is 'slagging' us 'off' or not? It's usually possible that they did not mean it that way. In most social situations, they couldn't do that too clearly & are not likely to admit that's what they were doing IF they were. Unfortunately, I can easily be thought to be 'attacking' people, verbally, when I don't mean to, so I particularly have to think that may be happening in reverse. After that, especially if we're not judging, there is NO way to tell if they did mean it that way or not. The main grounds for suspicion, for me, are that it's absolutely impossible to find out what they did mean, if it isn't what they did say but that's hardly getting anywhere.
 
if they refuse to hang out with me because i am too annoying and they call me a fat freak, and they stop hanging out with me in college because they think im too annoying. and if they refused to be seen with me in public and if someone asked are you his friend they replied no i dont like him. I think thats them not being nice. If they dont talk to me and unfriend me on facebook. I think they dont want to be my friend. If they say they mean it i think they mean it. They know im depressed and hate being insulted so i know its not joking about . they know i dont like people taking the piss out of me as a joke so i know thats not a joke either.
I havent had a friend who wants to hang out with me for years yet that ones didnt last long.

Also i barely have anyone online to talk to, i only text 2 people they both live in same city as me but never ever want to hang out or meet up or do anything together. They rather sit at home and complain about being bored than hanging out with me. and when i say i hate not having people to hang out with they say that sucks why dont people want to hang out with you. yet its them not hanging out with me so they should know ! :(
 
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Yeah, that's not quite what we were talking about. I'd rather go back to the 'rude names' people called me at school/ college than the 'polite' adult versions, personally. So, I can't promise you it'll get any better as you get older. Some seem to find that it does & I hope that'll be the case for you. Is there any help or support where you live?
 
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