Friendship help

[NT_tavbabe]

hi everyone I’m basically here to see if I can get a bit of help understanding a person I’m currently trying to befriend who has Aspergers. It’s a mess of a story and long (maybe you’ll get a laugh outta it, I know I do a bit)

This new guy at my job had peaked my interest being attractive and very friendly and seemingly flirtatious, and so me being the person I am I decided to go after him like a shark after bloody meat. I’d talk to him whenever I got the chance and it was fun, even even gave me a gift and asked me out like twice. In which I responded with a panic attack and asked:
“You’re joking right?”
(Before that he’d been saying things about rules on dating coworkers and how he wouldn’t do that cause he wouldn’t want to risk reputation or anything) turns out my coworker put the thought in his head and gave it steam. By the end of the day I’d told him I’d atleast like friendship and he somewhat agreed and we were back to joking around, I’d talk with him after work while waiting at the door and gave him my phone number and told him to make his own life decisions. He eventually texts me and we hang out like twice outside of work (as a secret) where he told me he only has two friends because everyone else sucks and he was okay with hanging out with me since I sucked a bit less. we would text on talk dayily and junk and I had found myself starting to develop a crush.(I was in a relationship at the time so it really started stressing me out and confusing me, shout out to my therapist.)

I did a lot of thinking and it came to the next time we hung out which was the last time.

Boy did I mess up.

I thought he was into and showed him romantic affection while hanging out not realizing I was making him uncomfortable as hell, it ended with a friendly back pating hug and the beginning of the silence. After that day he wasn’t the same: no more text messages, he’d come by less and less at work to the point where he stopped coming to my area, no real interest in talking anymore. When I asked him about it he kinda laughed it off and said he’s bad at texting and I shrugged cause that’s okay, not everybody is text savvy.

Which brings me to my second goof up.

I sent him a long text message about my feelings and this crush I had on him that I tried to talk to him about in person before and chickened out, I never got a reply and he never addressed it which made me feel like I royally messed up. (THen I kinda binge messaged to see if he read them, he did.)

And finally the biggest screw up of all: I some somehow convinced myself to confront him saying that I wanted nothing from him other than to maybe bang. (Which was a complete lie cause I wanted friendships atleast) that night he told me he was seeing someone and how he has Aspergers, I thought ‘okay he’s trusting me with this information, so he does want to be friends right?’ It’s still hard to catch a conversation with him and he atleast told me he reads my text messages even though he doesn’t reply, and continues to keep his distance. I’ve apologized for what I call ‘inopropro childish idiocy of a teenage school girl’ after doing some research and realizing I’ve been reading him completely wrong and was so embarrassed, kinda just laughed at myself. Sent one last text message last night asking if he wanted to be friends or was he sparing my feelings.

I just want to ask if I should give I up? My therapist says I’ve probably already ruined my chance at friendship and I feel like he’s right, I wish I could understand or just have a talk with my coworker about this but how? As I finish typing this I feel like I’ve lost that chance window, even though now I’m willing to put in any extra effort into this friendship that i probably have to learn about cause I’m not used to this kind of scenario?

Any advice? ；ﾞﾟ'ωﾟ'):

 

[Anthracite]

Ok so I just wanna start by saying I'm an aromantic asexual so all this relationship stuff goes straight over my head.

I wouldn't say it's 100% over no chance of recovery, but you are gonna have to start again. He's probably confused by everything that's gone on (I would be), so I would suggest keeping it colleague-y for a couple of weeks and then ask if he wants to meet up for [insert appropriate social setting here]. Start from scratch, say you were confused yourself and you'd like to start over but don't go on about it. Small talk is pointless to most of us so talking about the weather or your neighbour's barking dog may go straight over his head; go straight to the point. Keep to a minimal level of friendliness until it progresses naturally - don't text too much first off or it may freak him out. Don't mention romance or anything. Be aware that he may have sensory issues that make city centres/busy areas a nightmare to deal with and if he'd like to meet somewhere quieter.

Get to know his interests and participate (#1 way to get in an autistic's good books!). Ask if he'd like to go somewhere relating to his interests or maybe send him a message with something relating to his interests. Keep your language clear and don't make jokes/sarcasm until you've learnt his literalness-level. Don't rush him or assume he's ignoring you as many of us are slow at processing, and if he seems confused rephrase your statement (don't just repeat the same thing!). Be aware many of us have social anxiety so keep an eye out for that, and don't overload him with questions, feelings, conversation etc. Slow and steady first off.

If he's anything like me he won't show his emotions in the way NTs expect so just because he's not saying "nice to see you", "that was fun" etc., don't assume he hates you! If he keeps meeting up with you, he's interested. If not... well it was worth the shot. He may, however, just need time to recover between meet-ups so don't ask for a trip to the pub every week (it's exhausting, much as we may enjoy the company).

Any further questions/clarifications? I'm not great at explaining things >.<

 

[NT_tavbabe]

Good god this wasn’t confusing it was helpful, thank you!
I was thinking of backing off already, and I do know some of his interests thankfully. Small talk I think I already have down cause when we do talk it usually is related to friendship and things we know and enjoy (And was even thinking of getting him a birthday present when it comes around)
Honestly I feel the same way with explaining things, it’s in your head and makes sense but putting it out there it gets all scrambled and blank

 

[Tom]

First thing. Take your foot off the accelerator.

 

[Bella Pines]

I just want to ask if I should give I up? My therapist says I’ve probably already ruined my chance at friendship and I feel like he’s right, I wish I could understand or just have a talk with my coworker about this but how? As I finish typing this I feel like I’ve lost that chance window, even though now I’m willing to put in any extra effort into this friendship that i probably have to learn about cause I’m not used to this kind of scenario?

Then your therapist clearly isn't an aspie. We have remarkably short memories and incredibly thick skins. We also have other things going on and are often hyperfocussed on our special interests. You probably overwhelmed him with words like "feelings" and came across as needy. He probably just shut down because we struggle to deal with people at the best of times. But just wait. Chill. Let some time pass and talk to him casually. It will reset and you can start again with a clean slate, ready to mess up all over again . Out of interest, why do you have a therapist, adhd, bipolar or just seeking to know yourself?

 

[NT_tavbabe]

Then your therapist clearly isn't an aspie. We have remarkably short memories and incredibly thick skins. We also have other things going on and are often hyperfocussed on our special interests. You probably overwhelmed him with words like "feelings" and came across as needy. He probably just shut down because we struggle to deal with people at the best of times. But just wait. Chill. Let some time pass and talk to him casually. It will reset and you can start again with a clean slate, ready to mess up all over again . Out of interest, why do you have a therapist, adhd, bipolar or just seeking to know yourself?

I have major depression and take medication along with my therapy, it was actually one of the things I was surprised we both had in common.
I am so ready to put a chill pill on this whole thing, I think its been freaking me out cause he shows interest in other people and I can’t understand what the interest was in the first place with me. Feel like a headless chicken running around with no explanations anywhere.

 

[NT_tavbabe]

First thing. Take your foot off the accelerator.

I put it on the break and hit my head on the steering wheel at this point it feels like

 

[Bella Pines]

I can’t understand what the interest was in the first place with me. Feel like a headless chicken running around with no explanations anywhere.

Well I think you sound very interesting, maybe a bit add in the mix. Another thing you have in common with this guy is a tendency to overthink, to look for explanations in EVERYTHING. And I mean everything, why was the train late, is it often late on a tuesday, why did the woman sit opposite me, aspies need to know and understand everything. But sometimes it gets a bit too much so as above, apply the break, park for a bit and start fresh.

 

[Tom]

I put it on the break and hit my head on the steering wheel at this point it feels like

Well at least the airbag didn't deploy. I hate that!

Seriously, don't take things too hard. Its really easy to misunderstand or not recognize people on the spectrum at first. Even people who work with them professionally have to go thru a learning curve.

 

[NT_tavbabe]

Well I think you sound very interesting, maybe a bit add in the mix. Another thing you have in common with this guy is a tendency to overthink, to look for explanations in EVERYTHING. And I mean everything, why was the train late, is it often late on a tuesday, why did the woman sit opposite me, aspies need to know and understand everything. But sometimes it gets a bit too much so as above, apply the break, park for a bit and start fresh.

You’re right about the overthinking for sure, that’s like breathing for me jeez thank you for answering!

 

[NT_tavbabe]

Well at least the airbag didn't deploy. I hate that!

Seriously, don't take things too hard. Its really easy to misunderstand or not recognize people on the spectrum at first. Even people who work with them professionally have to go thru a learning curve.

I think knowing that I have a possibility at another chance and learning something new socially is giving me back hope. thank you!