Friendship Issues

[StabatMater]

Hi all. This is my first post here. I am feeling pretty down today and struggling with problems with my friendships. The thing is, I am not even sure these problems truly exist.

First, like many of us, I am very choosy about the people I voluntarily socialize with, and to consider somebody a friend, there has to be a meeting of minds, etc. I have a couple of people I can consider to be true friends, and I know that they consider me to be their friend. Even so, I still feel weird about how I stand with them. I am always worrying if I am bothering them or annoying them or talking too much, etc. I think I am doing fine on that, but then these doubts start creeping in. It's horrible.

I guess my biggest fear is losing these friends. I was abused as a kid, mostly emotional and verbal abuse, and I have a terrible sense of self-worth and a fear of losing those whom I actually love. I truly love these friends of mine. They are the only people for whom I actually sensibly feel affection for, and once someone has my mind and heart, I am fiercely loyal and I would die for them if need be. I crave being around them. They are the only people I feel actually accept me for who I am and who love the same esoteric things I do. I feel a genuine connection with them I never feel with anyone else. They are the only people I could be around all the time and be truly happy. It is pure joy to interact with them.

One friend I see on a fairly regular basis much of the year but this person is also extremely busy. The other friend is a long-distance friend. I don't mind being alone except that I want to be around these people and I feel a very deep longing to interact with them. But they are both busy and aren't always around. Instead of cherishing the time I have with them when I do, I worry about how someday this may all come to a terrible end.

I feel abandoned when they don't get back with me quickly sometimes, and if we talk say once or twice a week I want it to be three or four or every day. I never say this of course to them. I am not actively clingy, I just feel like I am.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone in the world and I want to be with the people I love and not feel constant stress about it.

 

[Sass]

I can relate to this. I'm going out to a party tonight with some friends of mine that I really like, and I'm trying to fight a massive bout of paranoia that it's all going to turn to sh*t because of me somehow. It makes me feel irrational and fearful and I don't like it at all. I also feel a bit disconnected from them if I haven't seen them or talked to them for a few days, like I must have done something and they've decided not to talk to me anymore. My head knows this is unlikely, but my anxiety runs with it anyway.

I wish I had some advice, but at least you know you're not alone

 

[StabatMater]

I completely know what you mean. I literally have the exact same response, especially when I haven't seen/heard from my friends. Wishing you the very best of luck tonight!

 

[Sass]

I completely know what you mean. I literally have the exact same response, especially when I haven't seen/heard from my friends. Wishing you the very best of luck tonight!

Thanks! Fingers crossed I don't drink too much and end up being too blunt lol

 

[Sander]

I have that problem too! It's so tiring.
You might know Evy the Owl, a fellow member and a really nice girl, we are now best friends.

Over the last few days we had contact via facebook and Skype.
Every time I was like: Sander, are you sure you want to start talking, she might think it's too much, you are going to loose her that way.

So I told her I was thinking that way. She said it was okay, and she would say if it was getting irritating.

It's not like I'm less worried now, I just cover up the thought and trust her to say if it's too much.

 

[artfull dodger]

I also struggle greatly with friendships, always have. My one friend I have, he is much older than me and well off money wise, loves to buy me stuff. I was out of work the last 4 years and couldnt afford to support my hobby I share with him very well. So when we went to the model train shows he would buy me stuff, just little stuff at first but gradualy that ramped up to more expensive stuff. Then for my birthday this past March, I was teasing him on what he was gonna get me for my b-day as we always get each other something, I bake him cookies and a cake(I love to cook!) ect. He said he got me Fairymead, which is a large scale model train that runs on real steam. I knew he had ordered this a few weeks before my b-day, and I assumed it was for himself as its cost was over $2000. But he said it was for me, and that he would just enjoy watching me run it on his and my outdoor train layouts. I was in shock to say the least. But he has no family, never married and my wife and I are like family to him. I strongly suspect he has AS. I am very very gratefull for his friendship and wish we were closer in age, I am 41 he is 61 and in failing health. When he is gone I am not sure what I will do. Be very thankfull for the friend(s) you have and like me, try to work on finding more. But I know that like me, it will be a lifelong struggle and one we all must face. I am up for the challenger. Mike

 

[GoofKing]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm better off without getting close to people or having friends.

There's some days when I feel distant from current family.

 

[Evy the Owl]

I have that problem too! It's so tiring.
You might know Evy the Owl, a fellow member and a really nice girl, we are now best friends.

Over the last few days we had contact via facebook and Skype.
Every time I was like: Sander, are you sure you want to start talking, she might think it's too much, you are going to loose her that way.

So I told her I was thinking that way. She said it was okay, and she would say if it was getting irritating.

It's not like I'm less worried now, I just cover up the thought and trust her to say if it's too much.

I think that I, as an aspie, can be very blunt. Usually that would do harm to people, but in this case it's good because you're getting my boundaries when I say it's too much (and so far I've loved to talk to you, so keep up the good work )

I would just advice everyone to be honest about what you're worrying about in a friendship. Honesty is the way to a good relationship.

And I hope someday you will worry less, because sometimes I find it sad that you're so insecure about some things.

 

[paloftoon]

Well, one thing I've personally learned is we can't always keep friends no matter how open and flexible we become. It depends on others too. Your focus should be on how to keep discovering new friends as the one you have now or make may not last. Some people only want to be close to people they live near. Some people are party people and do not want those close friendships, or are on the surface. This is something I had to realize and that not everything was always my fault.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I was feeling the same thing because my friend went a couple days without emailing me. I was thinking that he had probably realised he wasn't interested in out friendship. Then this morning he emailed me and it was clear from the email that he was quite happy to "talk" to me.

 

[Sander]

I was feeling the same thing because my friend went a couple days without emailing me. I was thinking that he had probably realised he wasn't interested in out friendship. Then this morning he emailed me and it was clear from the email that he was quite happy to "talk" to me.

That is great news Stella! Good to hear you are still friends

 

[Hidden]

I know what that's like. It's horrible. I get so worried, and humiliated and I end up shutting down. I don't respond to them and it makes it seem like I don't care about them. Which of course doesn't help.
I'm sorry I can't help, because I have the same problem. All I can say is you're definitely not the only person like this.