Friendship pt2

[NT_tavbabe]

hi, I’m a thirsty-for-friendship-with-an-Aspie NT who is back at it again with this friendship with my coworker (who happens to kinda be my bosses boss? I forgot to mention that). I’m not sure why I am so attached to getting this friendship and I wish it’d chill out.
I have a generally open question to maybe help understand this person more, I probably won’t see him again until next week so I feel like this is a good time to ask questions and think.
Early in the...friend-ship? (If that’s what it is still) I asked him why he only had two friends, he said everyone else sucks. I laughed and asked him if I suck a bit less than everyone else and he said a little (cue fun friendship vibes)
That kinda stuck with me, felt like a special personal comment.
(part of me hopes he didn’t take it back or doesn’t just say that in general to people. I wanna bury myself out of embarrassment cause feeling special is probably what got me here in the first place.)
So the question is:

How do you generally make friends with NT people and decide to stay friends with them?

(I know I make a lot of side notes, i like doing it sorry )

 

[tree]

He just happens to be kinda your boss's boss.

Is this desire for *friendship* more about office politics
or is it based on how 'fun' the guy seems? There are
some tremendous disadvantages, I'd think, about
sucking up to the boss's boss. Currying favor, that is.
Being his girlfriend eventually.....maybe.

The question "How do you generally make friends with NT people..."
was a surprise. I supposed you'd focus on yourself, how to
be a friend, rather than try to psych out the reluctant/elusive
aspie.

What's your goal?

 

[xudo]

How do you generally make friends with NT people

I don't.

I have very few friends, all but one are NT. I don't try to make friends with anyone but if they decide to make friends with me then that's fine I guess.

and decide to stay friends with them?

Again, I don't. I've never consciously thought "I will stay friends with this particular person"..but conversely I have actively thought "I do not want to stay friends". If the friendship continues that's fine, but mostly I find people get bored very quickly and move on to other friends. I'm never entirely sure when someone is a 'friend' or still just an acquaintance, so I will wait for them to call me their friend first. I'm always expecting them to drop me as a friend as this is how things have always gone for me.

 

[NT_tavbabe]

I will be honest, at first it was just office games to me but as time went on and situations happened it stopped being about “he’s the boss attractive guy who asked me out twice so ima go after him like a shark ” to “he’s generally a cool person that I have things we both like and are interested in. Still going like a shark but now with lowkey friend humor. ” (This friendship is all secret too) it probably sounds like a bad and getting worse situation as you read this.

I didn’t think I was tryna psych him out, more just kinda understand the situation if possible? I’m very talkative to people, some go from coworker buddy to outside friend so I’m used to jokes and playing around, making those subtle underhand jokes, texting or talking a bunch. Kinda like how In the game sims the friendship bar fills up, that’s how I visualize it. He did tell me to be myself but I’m kinda like how much of myself should I be? (There was another post talking about the situation as a whole if this sounds very vague.) I’m a mess of a person.

As for my goal? I still don’t know, there are just some people I decide I want to try and keep in my life for as long as I can and he’s one of them. Girlfriend? No, I already told him about my dating situation and how selfish I am.( Plus he’s dating someone) I dwell on keeping other friends happy and comfortable and after misreading him for like a whole 1-2 months I’ve taken a step back and said well this is new for me.

 

[tree]

@NT_tavbabe
Aspects that seem negative, to me are the
'secret' angle of the friendship and the fact that
you found it necessary to say "I will be honest."

 

[NT_tavbabe]

I don't.

I have very few friends, all but one are NT. I don't try to make friends with anyone but if they decide to make friends with me then that's fine I guess.



Again, I don't. I've never consciously thought "I will stay friends with this particular person"..but conversely I have actively thought "I do not want to stay friends". If the friendship continues that's fine, but mostly I find people get bored very quickly and move on to other friends. I'm never entirely sure when someone is a 'friend' or still just an acquaintance, so I will wait for them to call me their friend first. I'm always expecting them to drop me as a friend as this is how things have always gone for me.

I came for the real answers and that is one good slap for me, thank you!

 

[NT_tavbabe]

@NT_tavbabe
Aspects that seem negative, to me are the
'secret' angle of the friendship and the fact that
you found it necessary to say "I will be honest."

It was one of the things he decided so I just shrugged and said okay.

I say that a lot, I will be honest. To me it’s saying “lemme be as transparent and serious as possible, no lies no games.” I used to keep things completely to myself to spare feelings of me or others, I don’t like doing that anymore.

 

[Judge]

Making real friends seems so daunting in itself. I've not even thought about the notion of seeking out friends primarily based on whether or not they were NT or ND. Though in my Aspie mindset, when I do the math I almost want to laugh at the prospect of me deliberately seeking out the friendship of those who may constitute less than two percent of the population. Rather poor odds!

While in retrospect I can go back and determine any number of people I worked with who were likely on the spectrum. However I can't say I was actually "friends" with any of them. At best, they were coworkers, who I felt an odd sense of kinship with at the time without really understanding what or why.

 

[xudo]

I came for the real answers and that is one good slap for me, thank you!

Having said that, no two people on the spectrum are the same. There's nothing to say that he would feel the same way about friends/friendships.

 

[NT_tavbabe]

Having said that, no two people on the spectrum are the same. There's nothing to say that he would feel the same way about friends/friendships.

That I know for sure, I do like getting different perspectives from people for understanding more than to point out an ease answer.

 

[AO1501]

As has been posted before, I don't make friends, but if people make friends with me, I'm OK with that. And once they are friends, I am loyal to them so that I will stay friends with them until they decide otherwise.

The only friends I have are people who have, for one reason or another, reached out to me. Except one, who I Was indirectly encouraged to make contact with. I did and she responded. She is now a good friend.

The thing being, that except for that one exception, I have been a passive partner in establishing friendships, though have been active in the friendships when they are then existent. My daughter, another Aspie, is exactly the same.

If I had to give advice to any NT wanting to start a friendship with an Aspie it would therefore be to make the contact, be honest, say that you want to be friends, and ask if they would like that. If someone I knew and that seemed an interesting person said that to me, I'd be pretty much certain to say yes.