Frustrated mother of middle-aged son

[GreasyJoan]

Hello, I am the mother of a 40 year old son. He has lived in our basement for many years. He has only found very intermittent temporary work via temp agencies. He has never had a successful interview. He has a B.S. degree in Biology. He seems to be very angry and whenever my husband and I have attempted to suggest visiting a counselor, he throws a bitter, angry tantrum.

Yes, we are afraid of him. I have managed to get him to take hypertension meds but he often neglects to take them. I remain afraid of his future. What will happen once we die? How can we help him? We have decided that it is counter-productive to urge him to seek employment. But he would NEVER seek disability. He is angry and aloof.

I obviously cannot say that his asperger's has been diagnosed but my husband and I both agree that he has shown all of the symptoms--all of his life. Even as an infant he was ultrasensitive.

 

[GoofKing]

Not so sure you should be diagnosing him on a lot of negative things about his personality and actions but it wouldn't hurt to see if he might be an Aspie :/

 

[Easter]

Maybe it's just the BS in his biology?

 

[Salmongirl17]

Hello and Welcome!!

 

[Ereth]

Hello, I am the mother of a 40 year old son. He has lived in our basement for many years. He has only found very intermittent temporary work via temp agencies. He has never had a successful interview. He has a B.S. degree in Biology. He seems to be very angry and whenever my husband and I have attempted to suggest visiting a counselor, he throws a bitter, angry tantrum.

Have you ever asked him why he's angry, or about what upsets him, especially when he has tantrums?

Yes, we are afraid of him [...] I remain afraid of his future. What will happen once we die? How can we help him?

What reason do you have to be afraid of a son who is probably afraid of the world? Are his tantrums that severe?

Obviously I can't say for certain what will happen once you are gone, but if he's incapable of caring for himself, he may have to live in a group home.

You may find this website helpful:

Welcome | Asperger EmploymentAsperger Employment | promoting employment for adults with Asperger Syndrome and high functioning autism

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome

It's quite difficult to help your son if he does not want to receive help, but if you're concerned, then Ereth's advice would be a good place to start.

If he's willing to open up, and share, try to better understand the underlying issues he faces. If he does in fact have AS, you will need to keep an open mind, and try to learn as much as you can about your son, and AS in general.

Of course, I can't speak for your son, but if he does in fact have AS, then his anger, and problems finding work, could very well stem from difficulties with understanding/ being understood. People on the spectrum are a minority in this world, and so are often misunderstood. This can lead to rather crippling fears and anxieties. In saying that he will need to face the harsh reality one day; which I'm sure he's more than aware of.

I don't know if any of these books have the answer, but have a browse; hopefully it'll give you some answers. Books, and advice, from Dr. Tony Attwood are a great place to start: Resources | AspiesCentral.com

 

[Peace]

He sounds frustrated and does not have the tools to express it in a healthy way. As Vanilla said, he is likely afraid as well. When we (as people) receive rejection, we become hurt and thus angry. When we do not understand our interactions with others, especially when they go bad, we also become hurt and angry.
An understanding of what is happening with himself may bring you all some relief. I believe you could all benefit from counseling.
Good Luck

 

[GreasyJoan]

Thank you everyone. I have also been diagnosed on the spectrum and I have worked hard with a therapist which has helped. I only knew that I was different when I was younger and I did not get my diagnosis until about 18 years ago. There is so much about his behavior that seems like mine when I was younger that I feel as if I might be on solid ground with a tentative diagnosis. I have read almost every thing I can and it all seems to fit.

I can understand some things. I think that in situations where I feel fear, he also does. I turn my fear into abject obedience and he turns his into anger around his parents but stark silence around others. I love him a lot; I am just afraid that with my own disabilities I cannot think straight.