frustrating experience

[Frito64]

Hi all,

I've had a frustrating experience and my feeling really have been hurt, and I am trying to sort it out.

I've mentioned previously that i have a friend at work who lost his daughter last year, and i have been trying to be a supportive friend. As i have the social difficulties associated with Asperger's, it really took an effort for me to put his needs above my fears. As I've recently learned I have Asperger's, he, like most of my co-workers, has no idea about my condition.

My friendship with him seemed to grow a bit over the summer, He had invited me to a memorial and a get together on the first anniversary of his daughter.s death, and it really meant a lot. Though I am very uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations, I went and had a nice time.

Many months ago, someone had suggested I ask him to lunch as a further gesture of being a supportive friend. Just thought of it at the time nearly had me in a panic attack, but after the memorial, I figured it was a good idea. It?s funny; I had started watching baseball to have a little more to talk to him about, so I was confident that all would go well.

Getting my courage up, I asked him about lunch (via e-mail, he was working from home), and he said it sounded good. A couple of weeks passed, and I mentioned it again, and we set it up for Monday of the fowling week. He sent me the reminder from his Outlook calendar. The day came, he had to cancel (his dog was sick, totally understandable), and we rescheduled for that Thursday. That day came, and he had to cancel again due to a last minute conference call (he is on conference calls a good part of the day, I have my share as well, so that was fine). We rescheduled for the following Tuesday (which was last Tuesday), and as bad luck would have it, we had phone problems and he was tied up with that (he is part of that department). He didn?t reschedule it, so I asked him if he wanted to shoot for later that week or sometime this week. He asked me if I was in the rest of the week, I said yes, but never heard anything back that day. Last Thursday he had said again that we have to get to lunch, I told him to let me know. I mentioned again Monday "we still have to get to lunch one day." and he said yes, but he hasn't said anything further about it.

I have to admit, my feelings are a little hurt that he hasn?t said anything further about rescheduling our lunch. It's funny, in a way I know I shouldn't feel hurt, it's just lunch, no big deal, but it was something I was looking forward to, and it took me a lot of courage to ask him in the first place. I understand that things come up, I tonally understand that. If he would have just said ?the next couple of weeks look busy, but we?ll go eventually.? I?d be happy with that. It?s almost like he changed his mind. I know that's silly, as he was willing to go a couple of weeks ago. I talked to him on Wednesday for a couple of minutes (he was on a break from a conference call), and he was friendly as usual, so I know nothing is wrong. Today he did go out a little before my lunch break, not sure if he had something to take care of. His door was closed all day, so he could have been busy.

I know it is not intentional, and if he knew my feelings were a bit hurt he'd feel bad. He has no way of knowing that it means lot to me to go to lunch with him, so I can't fault him for that. I can't imagine that he just doesn?t want to go to lunch with me, I know he thinks of me as a friend, so I'm not worried about that.

I guess all I can do is wait, and after a month or two passes, I can mention it again. It's just frustrating that we were so close to getting out, and now it's up in the air, and sometimes it feels like he just doesn't care.

Do i have a point in feeling a little hurt? I would never let on to him that I am, but I need to work out my feelings as well. Is aperger's making me over-react to this as well?

Thanks in advance!

Frito

 

[Spinning Compass]

Yes, you are justified in feeling hurt over this situation. What it is is that this person, for whatever reason, doesn't want to go to lunch with you, but feels that if he came right out and said so, it would hurt your feelings even more. This is not unusual. Many people have trouble saying no or I don't want to. They don't want a confrontation. My guess is that there is something about you (the Aspergers) that he can't quite put a finger on but he is not comfortable with it, and if you asked him why, he would have a hard time explaining and there would be even more hurt feelings all the way around. This way he can save face.

I would not mention it again but let him make the first move. Yes, it is frustrating, especially when you have gotten up the courage to ask in the first place. But he isn't thinking of that, obviously. I would not let him know how he made you feel, either. Sometimes you have to walk away from a situation with dignity. Be friendly to him, but don't expect anything more from this friendship. Otherwise, by pushing, you may drive him away and have him turn on you. I've seen that happen so many times. Remember, he is a co-worker, and co-workers gossip. Next thing you know, you are involved in workplace drama, and that is never a good thing. Let him go. There are people out there who won't play those kinds of games with you. They are hard to find, but worth it. Don't waste your time and energy trying to force a friendship that isn't there.

 

[Frito64]

Thanks for the insght, it is appreicated.

One point i may not have stated clearly enough was that the three cancellations were totally legit. His dog is 15 and had been to the vet a couple of week earlier. He cancelled that day becuase his wife had to go out and he wanted to keep an eye on her (his dog).

The conference call coming up at the last minute is definitely plausable. Since my company regionalized, all the support people (his deaprtment) are on conference calls constantly.

The third time, the phone problems - I was aware of the phone issues in the ohter office from earlier that morning. It was around an hour beofre we were supppoed to go that he told me the issues had him tied up and he coudln't get out. If not for the phone issues, we definitely would have gone that day.

The thing that had my feelings hurt was that it is up in the air now, and he made no move to reschedule. I think I blew that out of proportion - my feelings get hurt easily, and I really needed to let it out and get opinions.

I will definitely heed your advice about not forcing a friendship that is not there. If it remains just frineds on the "hey, how are you doing" level, that is fine. I guess the need for a deeper friendship had me trying to force it, so I can back off a bit from that.

I wouldn't let him know my feelings are hurt. I genuinely beleive he would feel bad, and I really shouldn't be throwing my freindship needs on him. Who knows, we may still get out at some point in time. We are both 20 year "veterans" for my company, so we will be there for years to come.

Thanks for the advice and input, it really is apprecited.

 

[paloftoon]

Frito64, I agree with Spinning that he needs to initiate something at this point before you decide to try again. Look for other people inside or outside of work. They don't have to be veterans or anything. As long as there forms a trust, reciprocation, and an understanding, and not you doing everything and initiating everything, then the signs are good to continue trying.

 

[SingaSong]

I've asked different people on separate ocassions to lunch and had them say no. These are people I know quite well. They both said that the date wasn't convenient and neither of us have follwiex it up. I did find it very painful even though they were not trying to Hurt my feelings and would be sorry that they had done so. Before I knew I had a spurges I went to a counsellor about social skills. One thing he said is that you may have to ask about 10 people to socialise with you before one of them agrees and it actually happens . This is that some people won't be interested in a friendship beyond what you are ready have, and for some occasions just bad timing because the person is busy.