Getting attached to someone when they start talking to you

[SusAssasins]

Hi again members of Aspies Central, here's the deal; I'm a loner in High School, but when I start High School I tried to be talkative and friendly, didn't work, but a few partners of classes start talking to me 'cause they thought I was a good person to be exclude from the rest like that, I didn't talk with no one unless they talk to me but that was just casual, or because they felt lonely and excluded from the rest when their friends didn't come to the school or skip the class. The big deal was when those partners start to talk to me every time they can with me because of pity, I started to work as hard as I can to start a friendship with them but they started to become afraid of me, because I become attached to them 'cause I thought there was confidence on each other, I was just trying to be someone and have some friends, but that just bury me on the grave of the big shame, and the whole school started to bully me when they can, they use to bully me after but it becomes more frequent and even teachers started to ignore me or exclude me. So I lost all my confidence on the expectation that the human race has some opportunity to be humanity again, but that just make me realize it was better be alone for the rest of my school life, or my whole life.

Have this ever happen to you with someone, or sometimes?

 

[The Penguin]

I had the same issue in high school. During my adult life it still hard for me to connect with people. I didn't learn until a few years ago one of the reasons I don't connect with people because I'm not interested in the norm.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, I have been there, and like you, I never initiate a chat; way too shy and have no idea how to do it, even now, as a grown woman.

I have thought many a time, that a girl wanted to be my friend and felt ridiculously complimented, until another girl came on to the scene and then I was invisible and it hurt. I did not learn straight away, and just recently, I had a similar experience and yet, it fell on my face, and so, now, I rarely trust ie I keep my distance. One female though, keeps proving herself and so I do call her a friend! But lol that is one friend only face to face.

 

[ThatSkyWing]

I had the same problem in high school, I still don't know how to start a conversation and I'm way too shy to start one anyway. Sometimes people would talk to me for a little while and I started thinking I finally had a friend, but then one of their friends would come over and suddenly I was just the silent weirdo again and they forgot about me, never bothered to talk to me again. I'm still a loner in college, but I'm alright with that, I figure there's a good friend for me out there somewhere, I just have to be patient and keep trying.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I tend to get overly attached to people that are nice to me, then at some point I get the perception that it's out of pity. At first that might help me feel safer with them, but these days I eventually become disgusted at the idea.

For me, it's been a long learning curve of figuring out how to stay contained within myself, even while being nice to people who are nice to me. I'm slowly learning how to not expect emotional connection, no matter what indications they seem to give that they feel emotionally connected to me or want to know me more. That process of changing my expectations helps free me up to let the relationship develop at a pace more comfortable to the other person.

I still don't know healthy ways to be present in the relationship myself, but at least I'm not actively scaring people off so much.

 

[Suzanne]

I tend to get overly attached to people that are nice to me, then at some point I get the perception that it's out of pity. At first that might help me feel safer with them, but these days I eventually become disgusted at the idea.

For me, it's been a long learning curve of figuring out how to stay contained within myself, even while being nice to people who are nice to me. I'm slowly learning how to not expect emotional connection, no matter what indications they seem to give that they feel emotionally connected to me or want to know me more. That process of changing my expectations helps free me up to let the relationship develop at a pace more comfortable to the other person.

I still don't know healthy ways to be present in the relationship myself, but at least I'm not actively scaring people off so much.

I so ditto you!!! I now realise that I get so enthusiatic that I put my all into how kind a person is and when it collapses on me, I see they are treacherous, but I guess the facts are, that I misread their actions towards me and so, think: how can you behave in that way, when you were being so nice? Lol yes, I sense pity too and it makes me SCREAM get away and leave me be!!! Horrible feeling to see pity in another's face; makes me feel that I am worth nothing!

I am now coming to the conclusion that I shall never experience true best friendship and that is fine by me; just wish I would not get so carried away with someone being extra sweet to me!

 

[OliveOilMom]

I did until I learned the difference between acquaintances and friends.

 

[Suzanne]

I did until I learned the difference between acquaintances and friends.

I thought I had too and oh how brilliant I am, at explaining to others that they are not friends in that sense, but then again, it is because I am going on what is written, rather than physical action and seems I have not learned yet.

 

[OliveOilMom]

I thought I had too and oh how brilliant I am, at explaining to others that they are not friends in that sense, but then again, it is because I am going on what is written, rather than physical action and seems I have not learned yet.

For me it's more of a feeling. I can be friends with someone and have coffee with them or lunch and maybe talk to them on FB or the phone from time to time but to me that's like an acquaintance. They are somebody who I like but don't feel the same level of comfort or click with like I do somebody who is a friend.

I guess what I'm saying is that when you meet somebody who you want to be friends with you'll feel it. It's a more comfortable feeling than it is with an acquaintance. You can still hang out with and be friends with an acquaintance, but it's not the same level of closeness as it is with a close friend. There isn't the same level of caring as there is with a close friend either.

Does that make any sense?

 

[epath13]

I'm not sure, I think my situation was quite different. But, I think you just need some help. I wouldn't give up too quickly. There're maybe people out there who can genuinely care about you. You'll have to learn how to navigate in this world how to separate your personal view and possible misconceptions from reality. You need an advocate who can help you. If you have a therapist, if your school can provide some asdistance, or if your town has an Autism organization, I would advise you to take a chance and ask for assistance. My personal opinion: It's better to find a solution, rather than sink into self-doubt. Other students might start bullying because they simply don't understand. Instead of turning against the world, it's essential for you to learn how to advocate for yourself. You have a choice to do whatever you wish to, obviously, but, to be honest, if when I was younger I had an opportunity to receive adequate help I would take it and run with it. A lot of people aren't as bad as they appear to be, and for people like us it's important to see things the way they are rather than through a prism of your disappointments.

 

[gregmcph]

It's tough to get the levels right.
The right amount of friendliness, enthusiasm, closeness, relaxation.

I look at my wife and workmates, and I am in awe at how naturally and simply it just happens for them. And of course if it doesn't come naturally, then it will seem fake.

I know when I was a school kid, it was frustrating to be the weird kid. I didn't understand at all why I appeared that way. I thought I was just a kid.