Getting diagnosed: Bravest thing I did for myself

[homo_aspien]

Four months ago I stumbled upon article about a book a father of autistic child has wrote about his experience and his hardship of having to deal with his son. Most of the comments were negative, since the book was obviously denying autistic experience and portraying us as a major pain in the ass of the people around us (this might be true, but is irrelevant if you do not LET US tell our side of the story (but im digressing)). In those comments was something that led me to explore further the topic of women on spectrum. Like many NTs who do not have contact with autistic people, or do not know they have, I had my predjudices about Autism and coming from small and, in many ways, bigoted society, I did not know Autism was even possible in women. That was four (4) months ago.

Reading about different manifestation of symptoms in women I had an epifany. It was like a prism through wich I looked at my life so far and for the FIRST TIME it all made sense. I have always known I was different, just didn't know how or way. Always felt like an alien, always bending myself to suit others so they would not bully me. Because I have been bullied my whole life. This is not a sad, pitty me, story. Don't get me wrong. This is not written from the perspective of victim, just giving myself context, and exercize in aknowledging my feelings and experience. Since I have learned, through experience with others, that my feelings, thoughts and problems don't really matter or do not exist because they do not understand. Then maybe I do not exist.

For the past three to four years I have been going through severe buronut from private and professional stress, and I lost my executive functions. I could not think straight. It was all on autopilot. My autistic behaviours were sucessfully trained out of me. I didnt stimm anymore. I was censoring my behaviour and thoughts to fit my environment and expectations. Havent felt anything but guilt, preassure and anxiety for years. I havent smiled in more than a year, and forgot to laugh. All the while accomplishing everything I dreamt of as a child. Those were the most miserable times of my life. All the while people around me looked up to me for my professional succes and didnt take my cries for help seriously. Just put more preassure on me. I became suicidal. I withdraw and isolated myself from everyone. In that time I have experienced a couple of emotional shocks and traumas. Learning about autism came in just the perfect time. It became my special interest. I was researcshing and reaching out obssesively. I was fighting for my life.

I told my partner one morning through tears I think I might be autistic. They reacted aggresively. Yelled and insulted me. I shut down. What I really needed was a hug and acceptance. That is all I EVER needed. That is when my fight for getting diagnosed started. I knew I had to have a proper paper as an evidence that I AM NOT CRAZY. And I did feel crazy sometimes while researching. I realized I have never had selfasteem or selfrespect. Others words had more leverage than my own experience.

It took some time untill I found professional who can diagnose an adult. We set up a meeting. Then Corona came. So I got my diagnose about three weeks ago. I was realy nervous. I knew I was autistic but needed this comfirmation. When therapist told me "you have Aspergers" I said "I know" and the weight of the world lifted from my chest. I wept tears of joy. It was raining heavily when I left the office. I did not know where to go. Therapist suggested I get coffee and a cake to process this and relax. They borrowed me books Neurotribes and Spectrum Women.

I was flying, sobbing, laughing... Sighing the sighs of releif that held my chest thight for years. I was thanking God. Feeling so relieved, but then fear started creeping in. Fear that people around me would not want me anymore. That I do not want them anymore. That I will not be able to take care of myself without assistance. My brain is still a mush. But I notice getting better every day. Tending to my needs. Stimming, avoiding sensory overload. Being awkward and loud. Getting back to myself. Few days ago I heard myself laughing. Outloud. I havent done that in years.

Getting diagnosed gave me peace of mind. It gave me a fresh start. It gave me platform for forgiving myself for past mistakes. I AM AUTISTIC. I do not beat myself up anymore for not fitting in NTs expectations or fullfiling their idea of socializing. This is new era for me. I will live my truth. I will be myself. Because just in four (4) months my life and my mental health has changed from worst to optimistic. There is still a long way to go, but with my Aspergers by my side, as an ally, not a foe.

Now I'm giving that scared and awkward little girl a hug she never got when needed. Pat on a head instead of an insult. And healing my own wounds created by our brutal NT society.

There are still more bad days than good. But most importat thing is I have learned to be patient with myself, and love myself. And getting closer every moment to being MYSELF as I should be.

Please, do not give up on yourself even when everything and everyone is against you! You are so precious in this world. The way you see and experience reality is magnificent. We are fenomenal beings. I would not want to be anything but ME. Even with the darkest of moments. They thought me to strive for the light. And fight for myself. The strenght is awakening in me, and this time I won't be afraid of it because I can not afford to ignore it.

PS: This was written in "one breath", just had to get it out. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

 

[Sarah S]

Happy for you the first step in this i`d say is ACCEPTING youre diagnose (or multiple as i have ) , then learn to adapt and LIVE with it and make the best you can with what you got to work with.

And NEVER EVER feel you need to take the blame that you are as you are. NOONE of us asked to be born with this diagnosis and NOONE deserves any less then being given the same respect as every other human being on this earth. Be PROUD of who you are and stand up for youre self.

It will be a cold day in ...... Before the day comes when i will apologize or feel any shame or need to hide or accept any other then the same respect from anyone and the society for any of my diagnosis. If anyone has a problem with it its there problem not mien simple as that

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Congrats on your diagnosis . I'd like to hear more about how you failed to be diagnosed until after you self diagnosed.

 

[homo_aspien]

Congrats on your diagnosis . I'd like to hear more about how you failed to be diagnosed until after you self diagnosed.

Where I live there is still great stigma attached to mental health. My family avoids doctors of any kind, and mental health is taboo. No one ever took me to any kind of psychologist. It is believed by my mother and other family members that only CRAZY people need help, and it is a shame to talk about it. Let alone admit something is not "normal" and GO to a therapist.

I have above average intelligence and was always able to adapt to my circumstances. Every time my autistic traits were shown or I got in trouble because I was naive or did not understand what was going on, I was scolded, hit or punished. I was made to believe that EVERYTHING that goes on in my life is my fault and responsibility. Even when I was a child and a grownup would take advantage of me, abuse me or whatever, my mother would punish me.

So my Autisam was being litteraly smacked out of me.

BTW I'm 30 now. I do not have any hard feelings for my family. They did, and do their best considering their lives, experiences and circumstances.

 

[menander]

Where I live there is still great stigma attached to mental health. My family avoids doctors of any kind, and mental health is taboo. No one ever took me to any kind of psychologist. It is believed by my mother and other family members that only CRAZY people need help, and it is a shame to talk about it. Let alone admit something is not "normal" and GO to a therapist.

I have above average intelligence and was always able to adapt to my circumstances. Every time my autistic traits were shown or I got in trouble because I was naive or did not understand what was going on, I was scolded, hit or punished. I was made to believe that EVERYTHING that goes on in my life is my fault and responsibility. Even when I was a child and a grownup would take advantage of me, abuse me or whatever, my mother would punish me.

So my Autisam was being litteraly smacked out of me.

BTW I'm 30 now. I do not have any hard feelings for my family. They did, and do their best considering their lives, experiences and circumstances.

My heart aches for what you endured. I cannot tell you the number of women from whom the diagnosis of Autism was intentionally withheld. There are as many reasons for that as the reasons why any fragile group is kept down.

I can't tell you how many women where told they were mentally ill, Borderline, Personality Disordered, bipolar, evil, beat, hit, made to sleep with men who were abusing them, around and around in circles, never understanding that it was NEVER GOING TO CLICK because it was not mental. It was autism.

To keep them in the mental health circle when no changes come and then to blame them-----oh, the agony. The ultimate irony is that people with Autism are usually exquisitely sensitive, suggestible at times, reaching for the Good, confused-----and so it's so easy to keep a fragile woman going around and around and around.

I say women here only because you are one and there are layers of social injustice that have been heaped on women traditionally, all making the diagnosis harder, making self-sufficiency harder, and while the tide is turning, they still make less, are abused more in relationships, receive more unfavorable outcomes in divorce, etc, etc, etc......BUT this can apply to men as well who are abused and invalidated and horribly mistreated as so many men on here have been!

All that keeping autistics going and around and around in circles only substantiates their ideas that you are crazy because you can't improve------when really what you needed was early intervention to avoid trauma, become stabilized, to have gentle guides leading into the best ways to be self-sufficient and self-supporting and the least dependent as possible........and they lead women to their deaths. The number one cause of older Aspies is suicide. Hopefully no one here will do that.

 

[Alexej]

I told my partner one morning through tears I think I might be autistic. They reacted aggresively. Yelled and insulted me. I shut down. What I really needed was a hug and acceptance

Been in a very similar place - when my wife suggested I might have Autism, I did not like the suggestion. It was most unwelcome.

Congratulations on getting the diagnosis