Getting intimate

[angie78]

For the past year there has been no sex life as such and for 8 months there was nothing at all.
My aspie partner admitted to suffering with erection issues which he'd been trying to fix himself in all the wrong ways (although they did lead in the end to his diagnosis due to his behavior).
We used to have a really active sex life and both want this back but not I feel a little like a sexual predator cos I do find him so attractive.

My question is did anyone else experience anything like this and did things get back to how they were?

 

[midlife aspie]

Are the reasons for his ED related to medical issues, or are they psychological? Age can be a factor as well. Are you sure he is as attracted to you as you are to him? I've posted about my issues on this site elsewhere, but at risk of getting my head chopped off, I will share this much: I am not presently attracted to my wife physically. We also lack anything I would call an intimate connection emotionally. I will not go into detail here as to what my attraction issue with the wife is, but a female medical condition causes it and there is little she can do about it, and I hate not being able to tell her honestly that I think she is beautiful in the way most women want to hear. Our sex life is little more than "tab A to slot B" and has been that way for years. I have recently lost all sexual desire for her as well, but since her drive is so-so at best, the reality has yet to hit home for her. I can not and will not cheat on her, as I do love her, but there is no such thing as a perfect partner, and these things are the problems I have with my wife and being cognizant of the devastating impact these revelations would likely have, I am loath to bring them up. I would rather tell her I don't love her, but then she would want to know why. We have two beautiful children together, and I have decided to focus more on them and their needs in lieu of a sex life, which my imagination can stand in for at this point.

 

[abby normal]

I hope the OP can iron things out with her SO so they can have happiness in the sack together again.

 

[angie78]

He says he is attracted to me and wants to have sex he just can't get aroused. He has all the thoughts but the anatomy isn't on the same page.
He is very newly diagnosed as in only a few weeks so this could all be a reaction to his past behaviour and lack of diagnosis and pressure to be 'normal'. He wants things to be like they used to be.

 

[abby normal]

when is the last time he was able to get it up with you?

 

[angie78]

Over a month ago and then 2 months before that and a month before that but 3times in that month. Why?

 

[abby normal]

3 times in one month does sound like a outlier. a puzzler. but this aspie male can tell you that it is likely that your hubby suffers from what I suffer- low T.

 

[angie78]

Low t?

 

[abby normal]

low testosterone. my levels went down to 190 and I have basically no libido, i'm in my mid-50s. so if your husband is within 10 years of me in age, and ESPECIALLY if he is on statin drugs for hypercholesterolemia, this is something which should be checked.

 

[angie78]

They checked his levels and all is well so they think it's psychological. Tied in with the stresses of moving in with me last year. We have counseling booked to learn how to communicate etc and get through this together x

 

[abby normal]

the little blue pill does seem to do something beside boost the hydraulics, the few times I've had to rise to the occasion it enabled me to function long enough.

 

[angie78]

We have some little blue pills but I feel like I'd be making him do something that he doesn't really want to. Although he says he wants to and he asked for the tablets I know he's not that bothered by the lack of sex. I don't miss the act as such it's the feeling of closeness and attraction I miss. I know it's not that he isn't attracted to me as he tells me that but I can't help my NT feelings no matter how much I understand his aspie ones x

 

[abby normal]

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie-downer, but maybe marital counseling might be a good idea here to get at the root of things? sometimes a fella will feel more comfortable revealing things to his doc/counselor than to his wife. I know this may sound appalling but it is a reality. maca and testofen are what I use to keep my libido, it seems to have no downsides, so maybe ask him what he thinks about this?

 

[angie78]

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie-downer, but maybe marital counseling might be a good idea here to get at the root of things? sometimes a fella will feel more comfortable revealing things to his doc/counselor than to his wife. I know this may sound appalling but it is a reality. maca and testofen are what I use to keep my libido, it seems to have no downsides, so maybe ask him what he thinks about this?

Funny you should mention counseling, we start tomorrow x

 

[abby normal]

I hope you don't mind, but I'm praying for you.

 

[angie78]

It didn't go great. The counselor was 20mins late so his focused was not in the room. I was so annoyed with them as they were supposed to be an aspie specialist so should have known it would effect him. He exhausted mentally and physically so I'm just giving him space to 'breathe'

 

[abby normal]

ok, lemme get this all straight in me head- the counselor was late, AND the counselor's focus was not in the room?

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Must you have sex anyway ???

 

[abby normal]

as good as sex feels during and afterwards, i'd say the answer is an unreserved YES.

 

[paloftoon]

Nowwhat, that's unnecessarily harsh. I don't feel Hopeless was intending to not help. It doesn't matter so much whether it did or not. You can simply ignore the post and move on. There are some people who don't like sex, and it is worth considering if it is a factor or not in the OP's situation. End of story. Period.