Getting mocked during school conferences

[The Phantom]

Hey everyone,

yesterday I had to go to school with my mom to meet my teachers and discuss my progress in school. Usually, my dad comes as well, but he's traveling right now, so he didn't come. I was definitely glad about this, because I had gotten an F on my science test, and he would have probably taken away my computer .

I've been doing badly in science the past few weeks, because I spend to much time on my laptop trying to write (and failing due to procrastination) instead of doing my homework. When I do try, I don't understand anything, because I don't think my teacher is very good at actually teaching the material and helping with mistakes.

Anyway, the previous meetings with my other teachers went really well, they all thought I was well-behaved, respectful, and making good progress academically (all A's in my language class ), however I had been dreading my science meeting. I had filled out a reflection worksheet like everyone else was supposed to do (the only worksheet I think I've completed for science recently ), but she disregarded it and said that we need to get down to business (i.e. just rag on me for the next 15 minutes about how I failed).
She had emailed me before about how she was concerned about my work, but at the beginning of me meeting she said that during class I look closed-off, and that my body language 'doesn't invite conversation'. It sprung out of nowhere, and then she practically blamed my failing in class on how I looked. My mom was shocked, and tried to direct the conversation elsewhere, and she did, but the whole time she was completely condescending towards me, and if I tried to advocate for myself, saying that I tried to make an effort, she'd just ask me a million questions about what I didn't do, expecting me to give the answer that she wanted, treating me like a baby the whole time (Okay, yes, 14 is young, but still). And in the end, she went back to talking about how I looked during class, and how that I always looked mad no matter who I was paired with (she thought the first time I had a fight with who I was paired with, because I looked to upset) but this time she took it one step further – she mimicked me! She pushed back her chair from the table and slumped in it, crossing her arms and making an exaggeratedly grumpy face, saying that's how I looked during class.
My mom was horrified, and I was so uncomfortable that I started smiling, to which she pointed at me and said "That's the most I've ever seen you smile! See! There's teeth!"
She tries to veil everything behind a smiley exterior, but my mom saw through it to see how rude and patronizing she was.
I left she conference feeling completely insulted. People have made comments about the way I look (especially my face and expressions) my whole life, but at least those were immature, dumb kids. I never expected a teacher, whom I'm meant to trust, completely mock something that I can't control.

Anyway, do you guys have any thoughts or similar experiences? Let me know!

- The Phantom

 

[Mia]

A female psychiatrist did the same thing to me, it also shocked me and left me feeling as if I wanted to hit her. I stopped going to sessions with her and have never gone back. Keep wondering about what she hoped to accomplish in doing so, that sort of nasty behavior from someone you trusted really hurts.

There is a lack of professionalism in the person doing it, in your case a teacher, in mine a psychiatrist. If I were you, I would try to switch to another teacher. She can't decide for you how your face should be.

If switching teachers is a no go, then go with your parent and see the counselor and or the principal. Explain what happened, and then problem solve with them a way out of this. I feel for you Phantom, I had the best science teacher ever when I was at school. He made me want to be a scientist.

 

[WereBear]

I agree, she is being entirely unprofessional.

What if you had some injury that made you slumpy, or one of those nerve problems that made it difficult for you to smile? Is she just useless at actually engaging with people?

I think it is time to go over her head and explain she is hostile to you, and does not understand special needs students, and see if you can switch!

 

[LittleLemon]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. My heart hurts just reading that. If going to the principal sounds intimidating, I would voice my thoughts to a counselor or another trusted adult at the school. That is not ok!

 

[garnetflower13]

I'd like to smack her! And then when she winces in pain, I will say Oh, you don't look like you are really hurt! Let's pick out a nice hurt expression for you to use!

Honestly my daughter went through this in school, and I finally withdrew her and enrolled her in a private school for special needs children. We were able to work out a scholarship for her so that it wasn't too expensive either. I agree with others here, that this should definitely be addressed with a counselor or the principal. Mocking someone is not the way to teach!

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

Phew, I'm not the only one! I haven't had quite as bad an experience as some of you have, but I have been told to smile when I thought I was, including from a relative who'd also had issues with being told she looked miserable if she didn't happen to be smiling! I have had unpleasant surprises on photos, where I thought I was smiling at the camera, but the picture looked serious - evidently, my brain smiles, but my face doesn't always get the memo!
I've even had unpleasant comments from my husband, making me feel defensive (I'll look like how I please, thank you very much! I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to look like!), but has stopped since I spoke to him about it. Even so, I find myself putting on a bland expression or raising my eyebrows when he's irritating me, so as not to look as though I'm scowling. I think he's more aware of my side of things since I discussed my condition with him; he has been cutting me a lot more slack, so I think it was just misunderstanding.

 

[paloftoon]

The conference setting, was it such that the teacher was in his/her own classroom, or was is in an open gym? If it was a classroom, was the classroom door open, or was the environment very open like? I'm guessing this was the case.

As a former teacher myself, I will say that it's not easy to be a teacher. That doesn't excuse her behavior to you, but with so many students, it's easy to mess up like this even with the best of intentions. Of course, you were there and I was not, so if there was the best of intentions, you might be able to sense that nuance too.

The teacher could have asked you and your mom if your mom wanted a demonstration of how you might be in class and I'm guessing that teacher did not do that. Teacher should've also made sure you and mom were okay with the demonstration in said environment. If there wasn't enough time to figure all that out, then that teacher I think chose a bad approach.

Are you in a school where most parents come visit, and with their children? This dynamic can make a huge difference too. If you are in a typical urban/neighborhood school where many of the parents can't or won't show up, this can make a huge difference too in school culture. Since the school profession is very community based generally speaking, there might be some schools where teachers tend to be more proactive/reactive because there is a lot that occurs in the classroom that they have to monitor and/or be responsible for.

 

[The Phantom]

Hi Paloftoon,
thanks for the reply.
I understand that I might not be seeing the whole picture here, and I don't know for sure what she was thinking, or what she intended. We were in a closed-door classroom, so no one else would be able to see what was going on. I go to a pretty prestigious/well known private school in my area, and as part of the culture where I live, parental involvement in a student's school life is very important. Most of the teachers in my school are very qualified, well trained, and really care about the students, so they are very reliable if we need to talk to them about anything, including personal issues. This is why they usually know more about the kids personally, especially in such am academically stressful and pressure-filled environment. Even if you don't have a close relationship with your teacher, they are still very much open to the possibility if needed. However, this teacher in particular, while very smiley and friendly-seeming initially, is quite cold and detached at the same time, treating the students more like children to instruct than students to guide and nurture, which definitely creates a distance/rift. She also has never seemed very interested in my personal issues (which are largely a reason for my struggling in that particular class, but she doesn't seem to consider or bother with that possibility), which as someone with possible aspergers, is something very tough to deal with, as I require a lot of emotional support and understanding from my mentors. Also, like I mentioned, she was very condescending and it seemed to me (not just me, my mom as well) that she was asking questions in order to get a specific answer from me, in order to make me seem like I didn't follow her directions.
I understand the job of a teacher is very stressful, especially in certain communities, and I am extremely grateful to the wonderful teachers I have who support and help me when I'm having a hard time. However, because of this, a certain level of professionalism (as well as sensitivity towards differences and insecurities that students may posses) is expected of teachers, and to see a teacher not only comment randomly (without any previous mention) about my facial expressions; an involuntary part of me physicality; but imitating me in an almost caricature-like way. I don't control my facial expression unless I think about it, but I rather not because as previously mentioned, I have a bit of a history being very self-conscious about my face due to receiving comments about specific features. I just found it all to be in very poor taste, especially as a I'm a young girl, who like any other young girl (or boy, for that matter) is prone to extremely low self-esteem and self-criticism due to society's pressures and standards of how to be attractive or well-liked, and not an outcast. I was also upset because it could have been a valid point to make (as body language is a common issue in regards to the autism spectrum), but instead she chose to suggest that my failures were caused by classmates not including me in discussion, which in turn she seemed to blame on my upset-looking (and involuntary, for that matter) facial expressions, instead of trying to find out why I looked so upset and how it could be affecting my academic performance. It just seemed like she didn't care about me and my personal growth in learning, but more about letters on a report card (not that they aren't important, but she seems to prioritize it over my mental well-being and security, making it a superficial bullet point in her reasons for my failings rather than the main discussion in I can improve in all fronts).
I didn't mean for this reply to turn into a rant, or even the original post. I just needed to discuss this, as it was bothering me greatly, and I thought you guys would have similar experiences or some insight. So thank you for you input, this is helful to consider especially as you have a different (and insider) perspective on these types of scenarios as a former teacher. I've definitely tried to consider these possibilities, and my counselors have tried to help me do just as much, however you might see now why it may have seemed quite out of line.
However, like I mentioned before, I appreciate you showing a different side to things, as I appreciate all replies and perspectives on this issue.

Thanks,
The Phantom