Getting older, regrets, the pain down deep

[Neonatal RRT]

I'm 56, looking retirement in the face, wondering what my legacy is going to be, the mind is willing, but the body is not. I feel like I've got a lot on my bucket list, but not a lot of time to do it.

I just finished watching the Netflix autobiography, "Sly", about Sylvester Stallone. He's in his 70's now. I was so pleasantly surprised at the wisdom of this man. It starts out from the beginning, his upbringing, his early career, into the 80's at his peak, and to present day. He learned in the 90's that doing a bunch of non-action characters was not his forte, and realizing that he was an action star, creating characters that told the story through physical action and simple dialogue was his true niche. Saying, not everyone can do everything, but if you have something you're truly good at, then that's your calling.

What struck me so deeply, to tears, was when he starts talking about how life passes you by. It's like looking out the window of a train, every scene is there for just a fleeting moment and then it's gone. He said up until you're around 40, its all about gaining, and after 40, its all about loss. In the movie, Balboa, he addresses this issue of loss and life passing you by, the pain deep down in the basement, replacing old pain with new. It hit me hard because Sylvester Stallone was playing this character, the elder Rocky Balboa, but it was Stallone's pain that wrote the script. It really resonated with me. I truly understood what it was all about.

The last 20 or so minutes of the documentary, I just sat there with tears in my eyes, snot running down my nose. Dealing with the death of his son, having those last moments with his father on his death bed, yet, somehow having the strength to say to himself to keep moving forward. In the end, he packs up all of his belongings and moves out of his house. He's not going to hang onto his past. Time for a new chapter.

At any rate, if you want to watch something unexpected and meaningful, wait until the later half of the documentary.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I'm almost 70 years old and retired just last spring. I've been looking at getting old and worthless. I got a lot of reinforcement from my clients, lots of hugs and so on. That is all gone. My husband left me, so he is gone.

I wonder how I am going to cope with decreasing physical and mental abilities. How am I going to cope living on my SS income when "we" had counted on that and his income to keep this house going.

I can "see" now that other people view me as "old," as in "that old lady." I read novels that refer to an old lady in her 60s and how that was not going to be a good witness because she is too old, can't be relied on.

 

[The Pandector]

Not a Rocky fan, @Neonatal RRT , but I hear you. I've always been one for big ideas and building something new for my posterity to appreciate. 70 in the rearview, those things have all gone by the wayside, all steamrolled by progress. My wilderness home is sold, the proceeds a small nest egg being eaten by a ravenous economy. Like @WhitewaterWoman , I ponder my future as younger people began to see me as useless.

All that has lasted thus far, is my children. Their lives go on without me, but they keep me around. The only usefulness I've found is with the grandchildren, who are glad for my efforts. To me, the only thing that matters in this world is what you can pass on, and money doesn't matter. My kids learned important life lessons in homeschool, and I'm trying to instill responsibility and integrity in the following generation. They're at that age where Grandpa isn't as exciting as he used to be, and so am I. I feel almost like a beggar seeking scraps of relevance, but persevere while I'm still upright. Taught them to fish this year; maybe they'll still want to go out in Spring. In quiet times, I sometimes hope that, in my final moments, my granddaughter will be at my bedside; that would be a victory.

 

[Shillelagh]

My life has always been so static as a perpetually single childless hermit working the same type of job for over 30 years, all I really notice is that it goes by faster.

 

[tazz]

This reminds me of this song:

 

[tazz]

When I was 39 I was diagnosed with leukemia. 6 months of chemo. Then they estimated about 3 years of remission before I'd need a bone marrow transplant with only a 50% chance of survival due to some complications with my genes. So at the age of 40 it felt like someone had pressed fast forward on my life and suddenly I was at the end of my days, planning for a few years of old age and then death.

Turned out the remission lasted 8 years. But during that time my proteins got smashed to pieces. So when I got the call to say the cancer was back, a bone marrow transplant was not such a good idea. Instead, two more years of chemo on some new drug and back into remission.

Now I'm just waiting for the next call. Maybe a transplant. And...

It all sounds a bit gloomy. But honestly I feel I've lived more in the 10 years since my diagnosis than I did in the 40 years before that. The highs have been higher. The lows have been lower.

I have no idea what my legacy will be. I don't have any kids. But I've been a teacher and a mentor. And the feedback I get from those young people quite regularly brings me to tears. So I satisfy myself that somehow I've made a difference although I will never have any objective way of measuring that.

What was that quote from Star Trek: "Don't try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgements."

 

[Aspychata]

I have spent my entire life jumping hurdles, and then there are 30 more to jump. Yet, l need to be baseline and mellow. And l am now in old woman mode, yet there is still to much attention around me.

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm almost 70 years old and retired just last spring. I've been looking at getting old and worthless. I got a lot of reinforcement from my clients, lots of hugs and so on. That is all gone. My husband left me, so he is gone.

I wonder how I am going to cope with decreasing physical and mental abilities. How am I going to cope living on my SS income when "we" had counted on that and his income to keep this house going.

I can "see" now that other people view me as "old," as in "that old lady." I read novels that refer to an old lady in her 60s and how that was not going to be a good witness because she is too old, can't be relied on.

There is always a way forward. You just have to tease it out. If you cannot change your environment, you are challenged to change how you view it.

 

[Tom]

You walk up the hill and back down. This is natural and do not be ashamed. That you made it this far is it's own reward, one day at a time.

This Pitbull refused to be adopted and leave the shelter without his Chihuahua buddy. (So they adopted both) There'a tons of animals in the shelters that need a friend. Maybe pick an older one to share your aches and pains and a sunny fall day with.

 

[SusanLR]

I would say it was age 50 when I started to feel the change from gain to loss.

At 52 I developed liver cancer while being a caregiver to my mom who had cancer and dementia.
She was the only family left and I had to fight the cancer battle alone. Not even a friend to talk with. Surgery with a 30% chance of surviving. Rare type with no chemo for it at that time.
Even after surgery the prognosis was two years.

Well, I beat that. It has now been 14 years and it has not returned.
But life has seemed like losses since mom died in 2013.
Now I am dealing with a neurological disorder that is taking my ability to walk.
I can understand the worry of how you deal with this and how to survive with no money to speak of.
When you can't live alone, and assisted living is so expensive.

Good view @Au Naturel : If you cannot change your environment, change how you view it.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

2021 is when I really started to be hit hard mentally and emotionally about my youth that I feel I didn't get to grow up having a normal youth

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm 67 and already, by most people's estimation, old and worthless. Parasitic. (If you have fame or money or status, you can skip this - or at least delay it until dementia kicks in.) For an ordinary bloke, the items on your bucket list are hopeless: you no longer have earning potential, your looks are long gone (if you ever had them to begin with), the decay of your physical plant is accelerating, and you've outlived your productive usefulness.

I started seeing it when I was 40. Injuries didn't heal, and the same amount of exercise was more difficult. I put on weight. It became obvious why pro athletes are usually done by that age. Most police and military retire in their 40s - 20 years and out. Very few military last until mandatory retirement, 55-60, depending on your job.

I started seeing mental decay at 60. Learning was more difficult. Handling stress at work was more difficult. Memory started to slip now and then. Dozing off in midday, regardless of how much sleep I got. At 62, I stressed out and took early retirement. Arthritis leaves me in varying degrees of pain. But you know, for all that is lost, there is still much left.

I'm still much more forgetful than I once was, but the elimination of demand-driven stress seems to have restored some of my cognitive function. So what if I need a nap? I can still hike. I can drive. I still have my sight and hearing (slightly degraded). If you think my body looks aged and unattractive, that is your problem, not mine.

I am not delusional enough to think this will last. I have outlived my entire adoptive family. I'm the oldest in my wife's family. I've seen a lot of people die, some quickly and some slowly over years, and I realize I could keel over dead unexpectedly at any instant. Entropy always wins.

Not going to worry about it. Let go of the past, and you'll be happier. The same thing applies to the future. If you can't do anything about it, fretting and worrying only makes life worse.

I have to redefine happiness as taking pleasure in what I still have and not fussing over what I used to have. Or wanted to have but didn't get. You can't get it back, so it doesn't matter. Suppose I find happiness sleeping in late, under a warm blanket, and having a cup of hot cocoa on a cold morning. My happiness is as valid and as genuine as if I were 30 again, made a hundred billion dollars, had Taylor Swift as an adoring lover, and every dream I ever had was starting to come true.