Getting over a breakup

[psu2012]

Hello, my name is Tyler, and this is my first visit to a forum like this, and my first post. So I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 14, Iam now 23. A few months back my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me through a text. This was really hard for me for several reasons, first she was really the only girl I have ever dated so up until then I started to wonder if I could be loved, second I had really opened up to her, normally I do my best to hide the Aspergers and I dont let many people know I have it. This can be lonely because the only one who knows what is going on in your head is yourself. Anyways so in the relationship I guess I fell into a fairly common trap for someone with Aspergers, I did everything I could to make her happy, and she took advantage of this. I always felt inferior in the relationship, before me she had a fwb situation with a guy and she never understood why this was threatening, the normal guy compared to me with all my faults, and when she would drink sometimes guys would hit on her and she would let them (I got extremely jealous and never reacted well) and towards the end she hid from me that some guy was texting her asking to sleep with her and for naked pics, I was not happy. She would get mad at my jealousy and say I didnt trust her, but trust is hard for me. So like I had 3 months ago she broke up with me out of the blue over a text and this was really heart breaking. Normally I mask my emotions but I couldnt, I got very angry and apparently did not act like I was supposed to. To her it seemed like I was hot and cold, one moment telling her what I intended to do to her build a bear I got her a few weeks before for Valentines day, the next telling her I would wait until she was ready to get back together. Apparently her and her friends had a good laugh about this. Iam still struggling with this because I love my friends and I love my family, but I always worried I would end up alone, and I finally thought I found someone to return my love, no matter how broken I am, I jad intended to propose to her, I had the ring picked out and the money to buy it. But now shes gone back to having fwb situations with guys and I think it is partly to hurt me. I know its long but I would really appreciate the advice of others, thank you.

 

[nowwhat]

In this, you are not alone. I and others here have been there and know exactly what you are feeling. But sadly there is nothing for it but time, which seems to pass very slowly in your situation. Listen to the radio, read a book. It is obvious that love sucks for everyone, NT, aspie-- Everyone! It's just worse for us because so much of that part of life is nonverbal and we have an even harder time understanding and being understood. The regret, humiliation and second-guessing are common to everyone in this situation and no one gets a pass who dares to love. if you wait long enough, it gets better. Learn to laugh about it, and at yourself. Talk to your friends and also here. Don't dwell on it any more than you must. Too much of that is not healthy. What she's doing, and whether she's doing it to hurt you or not doesn't matter. You have no control over it. Take your wounds and move on. Hope this helps.

PS. Don't compare yourself to others, cause it's fruitless. I've done it, and it really makes you feel like crap. Do something nice for someone else. It's the only thing that makes you feel better at times like this. Really.

 

[psu2012]

Thank you! That did help

 

[Aria]

My Asperger boyfriend and I recently broke up. I initiated it, but did so because I felt like it was something I should do. We dated for about six months, are college students, and broke up over the summer. I guess I'm frustrated because I feel like his feelings changed for me literally overnight. Only a week before he had asked me to meet his parents who were visting and brought up next school year and how excited he was for us to be together then. He assured me we would make it through the summer and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he didn't believe it.

When I initiated the breakup, I mentioned support issues among one of my issues with the relationship and asked what he thought about us "not staying together for the summer". He agreed, saying that he felt our relationship had reached a "standstill" and that we weren't going to see each other over the summer so it made sense to breakup. It surprised me how calm and positive he was through this conversation. I tried reconciling with him a few hours later, because I honestly couldn't believe his response and I like to be direct with my feelings, but his rationale is that it would be best to break up now, because although he liked me he did not think we were a good fit as a couple. He told me he definitely wanted to be friends though and looked forward to catching up in the fall.

I guess I'm just really confused, because I swear his feelings changed overnight. For any aspies out there what is your take on this? There is always the possibility that he completely lost interest in me, but from our time spent together and the way we broke up I truly find that hard to believe.

Thanks!

 

[dwc780]

When dealing with situations like this, especially where emotions are involved, I tend to bury every single thing I'm feeling and put on the front of rational, "logical" thinking. Emotions can be, and often are, especially painful to deal with for aspies, so we bury them. That was how I handled all of my dealings with my most recent ex, who I was deeply, head over heels in love with. "I suppose that makes sense. This isn't really making either of us happy anymore. You're swamped busy, we don't have the time anymore, blah, blah, blah... yeah, I would still like to be your friend. I'll catch up with you later! blah blah blah".

This is just my experience, YMMV.

 

[Peace]

When something like this happens to me, My emotions shut down and my logical thinking brain takes over. If something seems logical, than it is logical that this is what is better for us. Once we find out we have Aspergers, we come to understand that we do not always perceive things the way they really are. We also tend to lack the usual emotional response.
It is also possible that he had lost interest, and you breaking up was a big relief because he did not have to confront you.
Another possibility is what dwc 780 said, he was burrying his emotions to save himself from the pain.
No matter what his reaction was, I think what is important here is yours. You properly identified that it was best not to be together as a couple and that is the result. Your reaction was natural. Of course we want to see the hurt in the other person at a time like this and know that they really cared, but DO NOT expect it from an Aspie. You will be disappointed. My wife struggles desperately with this. She knows I care, but is continually getting upset because she does not get the reaction from me that she expects. It is percieved as though we do not care, but the truth is we probably care more. We usually have few people in our lives, so the ones we have mean a whole lot.
Also know that Asperger men, tend to get along best with female friends. Often times we get into a relationship with a girl, not because she is a good mate for us, but because she is a good friend for us. It takes us many years to learn these lessons. It is likely that you could be good friends after this.
Good Luck

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

That is kind of how it was with my girlfriend when I broke up with her. I thought it was great for about five months, and then one weekend it just got to be a hassle to answer my phone / texts / messages all day, and it just didn't get better so I broke up with her the week after that.

I wasn't emotional or anything about it, which seemed to make her more upset. I had more than enough time to think about things and realize that any sort of long-term "relationship" with her was implausible, so I didn't think I had anything to be upset about. I wasn't trying to be mean or cold, I just didn't see why I should have to act sad about ending something that I could now tell was a bad idea.