Getting over being green.

[Metalhead]

For most of my life, I witnessed how easy it was for most NTs to communicate with others and how seemingly easy it is for them to enter a room and be a peer amongst peers. Then I see guys in long-term, committed, monogamous relationships without power differentials.

Wanting these things for myself while not being skilled in body language or having trouble sending out the right verbal cues or posture or tone of voice makes things rather difficult, I will admit. It is easy for me to be an extrovert online. I know how to write when my verbal skills fail me. I know how to read into the written word when I do not trust my own perception of words spoken directly to me.

But I want an intimate relationship. I do not want to live alone the rest of my life. I want to find the right equal terms and run with it.

So, yeah, I know this territory is extremely difficult for NTs as well, but it certainly does not feel that way when I am almost 40 and still single.

I know that I need to learn to be comfortable with myself first before I am ready for such a thing. Meh. Reality sucks. Quick fixes never work. Nothing worthwhile is easy.

I do not know what to add to this.

 

[WereBear]

I learned how to read body language from a book when I was a teen. There's lots of information out there now.

 

[AO1501]

Two things spring immediately to mind: The first is that I, like you, have seen others communicating, establishing friendships and relationships, while being socially clumsy and unable to do the same thing, yet I have had a number of long term relationships with others, including a 15-year marriage. It is certainly possible, even if in my case it relies on people reaching out to me in the first instance.

Secondly, that if you find it easier to express yourself and be comfortable communicating online, then why not turn to online resources to reach out to others - there are no shortage of 'dating' sites to pick from. These resources clearly work, and would provide an opportunity for you to establish connections with others in an environment you feel comfortable with before moving then to the offline world to continue developing possible relationships.

 

[Metalhead]

Thanks for the advice.

I might use a dating site in the future. I currently am using this time to work on myself first. I gotta have something worthwhile to offer another guy before I make myself available to one. Let me rephrase that - I gotta see myself as something worthwhile before I make myself available to another guy. Does that make much sense at all?

I probably am not ready to explore intimate relationships yet. I have a few very close friends in the 12-step circles IRL, and I have a few acquaintances in the 12-step circles. But I need to stop looking for external validation and learn how to validate my own self first.

 

[AO1501]

Thanks for the advice.

I might use a dating site in the future. I currently am using this time to work on myself first. I gotta have something worthwhile to offer another guy before I make myself available to one. Let me rephrase that - I gotta see myself as something worthwhile before I make myself available to another guy. Does that make much sense at all?

I probably am not ready to explore intimate relationships yet. I have a few very close friends in the 12-step circles IRL, and I have a few acquaintances in the 12-step circles. But I need to stop looking for external validation and learn how to validate my own self first.

You are on the right path - your self-awareness will be your best friend, it is telling you exactly which direction you need to go. Certainly any relationship you might establish with someone would be wasted if you have not already discovered who you are and what strengths you bring to the relationship. So indeed, you make abundant sense!