GF claims not to be autistic anymore, but seems to be

[struthio_camelus]

Hello all,

I have been dating a girl who I am positive is on the spectrum for a few months now. She's the greatest girlfriend I have ever had. I think its her autistic traits specifically that really make her such a great girlfriend, as neurotypical women in 2018 are not desirable to me.

While I suspected she was autistic for a while based on her behavior, she never told me directly until recently. We went through some personal diary entries and thats where I got to the truth, where she mentioned in an entry that she had a speech therapist as a child and did "tv talking" and some other things. When I googled "tv talking" I found many results about autism, and so I feel that connected the dots.

When I confronted her and asked the question, if she was diagnosed with anything, she said "I don't want to say it." I asked about tv talk, and said I found many pages linking it to autism, and she admitted it and got very scared saying "no no no no" over and over again and curled into a ball. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was afraid I would not like her any more for this. I reassured her there was nothing to be worried about, that I don't see her any differently, and that I would be there for her.

Now, I think she may be trying to be "passing" as this video notes:

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I talked to her about those diary entries and she said she only had "a little bit of it" (referring to autism, she didn't say the word) when she was really young and it's all gone now...but her behavior suggests otherwise. She speaks with scripted phrases, still does some sort of "tv talk" where she tries to talk at the exact moment people are talking on tv/movies (even if she's never seen the show or movie before), misses social cues, doesn't get sarcasm, misses a lot of jokes, and many other things that lead me to believe she very much still is autistic....Is there anything I should do, or just not talk about autism again and just let her be as she wants to be? Basically, if she's repressing autism or something I want her to be more open about it and let her know she can be herself around me. If repressing her autism is making her inwardly anxious and distressed, as the youtube video I linked suggests, I don't want her to feel that way.

 

[Progster]

Autism is a lifelong condition. One cannot outgrow or 'lose' it, but one can mask it, manage it and develop coping mechansims in order to fit in and get by.

Tell her that it doesn't matter that she has autism - it doesn't matter if she stims, does "tv talk" or doesn't make eye contact when she is with you - that you like her the way she is and you don't want to change her. Reassure her that it is ok for her to be herself, that she won't be rejected. Tell her which things she does that you like. Accommodate her sensory issues, if she has them. If she feels secure around you, she will find it easy to be herself.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

There is no such thing as "not autistic anymore". BUT :

Learning who you are helps you working on those autistic traits in an healthier way.
Reducing stress can also reduce some behaviors. Having an healthier life style in general ( diet sleep physical activity.)

And ofc one can ignore his autistic traits , like my father for instance, he just ignore everything ASD and ADHD related.

 

[OkRad]

She may have been misdiagnosed. You could take her to a specialist and she if she ever "really" had it? Then again, there are therapists who are very hard core about the DX. Some will NOT dx it if there are no blatant stims. Some will not dx if you have learned to train yourself to look into peoples's eyes.
Till we have an objective test, outside of obvious symptoms, it is hard to dx the disorder. There are people with autism who can pass so well that they could shed the dx if they wanted to,

So it's complicated . In the end, if someone want to live as if they do not have it and can do that, it's their decision. No one should be forced to believe or act or accept what they don't want to if they can change it.

Now of course, that may not be possible long term. Imagine if you had schizophrenia and did not want to accept that . You may still hear voices! So it all depends on the accuracy of the original dx, etc.

 

[Suzanne]

Seems she has preconceptions of what having autism is, which is not surprising at all. In fact, she has ASPERGERS which shares similar traits to autism, but the "professional" community, like to confuse things.

What she needs is evident self assurance that you are not freaked out by her.

I remember being frightened of dating, because I felt too complicated and so, hid my true self a lot and even as a married woman now, my husband was text booked freaked out by the notion, but seems to be calming down and just yesterday said I typed a typical aspie thing to someone who regarding a sale. In other words, I took her literally.

Try and debunk the notion that she is weird and she will soon learn to trust you.

By the way, what a wondeful boyfriend you are; she is so blessed to know you and NO DOUBT, you feel blesed to know her, from what you have said!

 

[Mr Allen]

Your Girlfriend needs to get a grip and stop being well, a bit silly IMO.

There is NO cure for Autism and probably never will be until Star Trek level Medical technology is invented in 2 or 300 years if ever.

But all of us will be long gone by then.

 

[Judge]

Your Girlfriend needs to get a grip and stop being well, a bit silly IMO.

There is NO cure for Autism and probably never will be until Star Trek level Medical technology is invented in 2 or 300 years if ever.

But all of us will be long gone by then.

Well, I suppose one can always hope that Bones goes back in time and greets me on a hospital gurney and slips me some pills that makes me Neurotypical.

Yep. We're in it for the long haul when it comes to being on the spectrum of autism.

 

[Mr Allen]

Well, I suppose one can always hope that Bones goes back in time and greets me on a hospital gurney and slips me some pills that makes me Neurotypical.

LOL, for one thing the guy who played Bones died a few years back, out of all the original Trek cast there's only Kirk, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu lleft, as I'm sure you probably know, Leonard "Spock" Nimoy died about this time last year.

 

[Tom]

Always difficult due to having only one view of the situation. But on the surface it looks like she's just developed compensation and masking techniques like most of us due, and is part of normal and healthy integration with NT society. The only difference is that we usually are aware we are doing it, and don't believe the autism has gone/been cured/whatever. She may be aware, but be hiding it from others, not wishing to be thought of as autistic. Or she may believe it has gone, which I believe is not possible, or at least scientifically proven to be possible (though a few claim otherwise).

I wouldn't press her about it at all. Really a HFA can be as well adjusted as a NT. If issues arise deal with them in a reasoned out fashion - a meeting of the minds fashion. If she comes to wish to discuss it that is different, but be cautious. You know very very little about it and should listen rather then state opinions.

 

[Judge]

LOL, for one thing the guy who played Bones died a few years back, out of all the original Trek cast there's only Kirk, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu left, as I'm sure you probably know, Leonard "Spock" Nimoy died about this time last year.

Well, some of us accept Dr. Leonard McCoy just like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

And that "Galaxy Quest" was actually a documentary.

I even got robbed by Dennis Moore on the highway once. I wanted his autograph but he even stole my bloody pen apart from my lupins. The bahstahd!

 

[struthio_camelus]

Thanks everyone. I won't bring it up with her anymore unless she brings it up first. I think that feels like the right thing to do too.

 

[Graphin]

This story makes me cry, in the positive and negative way.
Now it seems late, but you could try to find out whether she had experiences with people treating her differently because of her autism.
Some here might be interested if you are autistic, and if she is aware of it. Some say autists are better at detecting autists. Your phrasing indicates so.
I have no idea how to really help that, but I'm afraid she could get the thought stuck in her head, and often start being paranoid on whether you think she is autistic, which could generate a lot of tension.

This kind of aggressive denial, be it justified or not, makes me sad.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yeah agree with above. It is neither good nor bad that she doesn't want to talk about it, it just is. She might talk about it one day or might live her whole life in denial. Denial can be a happy place. Leave it be.

Autism is life long, I see it more as a personality type. I don't "repress" as such, but I do script and pass for neurotypical. Again there is nothing wrong with this, it helps people around me and makes them more comfortable and in some situations is necessary. Sometimes we do this so often we forget who we are.

It's nice of you to say that "she can be herself around you", scripting is tiring. But that sounds like you are focusing on the label. For her to really relax around you, don't force things like this. Just get in with your life and ignore her quirks. Telling her to relax might be more stressful for her if she is not yet willing to face this and doesn't yet understand how her own brain works.

 

[the_tortoise]

.Is there anything I should do, or just not talk about autism again and just let her be as she wants to be? Basically, if she's repressing autism or something I want her to be more open about it and let her know she can be herself around me.

Maybe you could explain to her that when you were reading up and wondering about autism it was only because you wanted to understand her better (I am assuming this is the case, I don't mean you should say this if it's not true) -- make it clear you don't think there is anything wrong with her.

Also consider saying to her exactly what you said to us when you said that some of the things that make her autistic are things you like about her.

Beyond that I would say don't bring it up again, only talk about it if she talks about it, just let her be who she is.