Girlfriend Relationship Issues

[nbtxdude]

First a little background. I'm HFA and was diagnosed when I was 39, but I knew was different all of my life and knew what my limitations were and coped with it as best as I could do. I'm also what I think is an aromantic asexual - I do not get any sexual attraction vibes and generally have no interest in sex. I'm 45 now.

I have a "girlfriend" (I put quotes around girlfriend since we have been completely platonic and there hasn't even been what others describe as "first base" because of me) who I have been seeing about 8 years. After the first year and a half, I had an emotional meltdown that caused communications to cease between us for about a year and a half (i.e., she wanted to change me and take it out of my control). We reconciled and have been together ever since. My problem is that I must be so guarded around her and it exhausts me greatly. I can be more myself around my friend group. This has become much more obvious to me now that I have found a semblance of a social life with a gaming group - I can be my complete self.

My GF knows about my HFA (now). Whenever I greatly annoy her, she asks me about what my thought process was about the annoyance and sometimes she just doesn't understand why I feel the way that I do. So I remain guarded to avoid these types of conversations.

Is this a common behavior with spectrum guys and NT girls? Or am I just being a complete insensitive jerk?

 

[Judge]

Kind of ironic to me personally. That in as much as I have masked myself with friends, acquaintances and coworkers that I never did so with my girlfriends. Though up until my mid fifties neither them or myself had a clue that I might be on the spectrum of autism. And that all my relationships with NT women ultimately failed without knowing why.

Which forces me to ponder your situation. The stress imposed in masking my behaviors and ultimately being "guarded" about how I conduct myself. The thought of this sort of reminds me of the one blind date I accepted, and how I was unable to be myself and what a poor impression I made. I never saw her again and under the circumstances didn't want to. It was like being out of my own skin and observing myself from the third-person. With no time to think about romance or my own emotions.

In my case I just don't think it would work either to remain so guarded. Catch-22?

I like to think in hindsight I've learned a thing or too...but not to be myself with the ones I most want to be close to...may be daunting no matter how I work the problem. Oh well, not much chance of it happening now.

 

[nbtxdude]

I guess I should expand on something... My coworkers and my (newer) social group are all much younger than me.. Averaging between 20-30. I seem to have no problem being my weird self to them, but not to people who are in my own age group - perhaps it is because the younger people are more open to the sometimes chaotic behavior of others?

 

[pjcnet]

Having no interest in sex isn't normally related to autism, if this is something that has changed as you've grown older I would see a doctor about it unless of course you are happy that way, lack of sex drive isn't uncommon in many adults and most of the time it can be treated successfully even when we get a lot older than yourself (I'm 3 years older than you by the way), in fact many people have a healthy sex life well into old age. Of course even if you've had no sex drive all your life you could still see a doctor if you wanted this to change as there could still be a solution. Assuming there is a possible treatment you might wish to discuss how your girl friend feels about it as well before deciding.

The way you have described the other parts of your relationship with your girl friend is almost certainly autism related, so no, you're not just an "insensitive jerk", I often annoy NTs without realising or being able to help it, my "friend" is always moaning about things that are related to autistic traits.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Having no interest in sex isn't normally related to autism, if this is something that has changed as you've grown older I would see a doctor about it unless of course you are happy that way.

I'd just lack to add to this that is your sex drive has change dramatically you should see a doctor whether you are happy or not, as changes in libido can be a symptoms of some pretty scary health problems.

Sorry I have no advice on the relationship front, I'm aro ace myself so not exactly my area of expertise.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm an aspie lady that has mostly been in relationships with NT guys (the verdict is still out on my boyfriend )
My personal experience is that if I can't be myself around someone, I can't be happy in a relationship with that person. When I come home, I want to take off my pants and my mask, so to speak. Home needs to be a safe place for me to be me. My partner is my best friend as well, and I want to be accepted as I am. Which doesn't mean I don't have to work on improving myself, but to me that's vastly different from having to pretend.

 

[OkRad]

There is a reason you two are together when she wants sex and gets none and you want privacy and get little. Are you together just because? Is it better than being alone? It may be.......

Maybe couples' therapy would help , or if that is too stupid sounding, maybe just keep eeking it out. A lot of couple DO just keep eeking it out because they don't want to be alone, and if that is what it is, that is OK, too, if you are both OK with that.

I say, whatever works is good, even if it is not perfect. No one can tell you that you have to do this or that to be happy.....but you and her have to work out the rules together and hope you can come to a compromise.

And remember, people do change. Things happen. One might get sick and then you realize you love each other, or one might get sick and realize, Forget This. It is impossible to tell, but communication is the key, as weird as that sounds......it helps to get through each new day and then, if it changes, it can help....

In the end, I don't know......relationships are hard for me, too.....but I wish you the best of luck and hope you let us know what you do so we can learn something , too.

 

[Sid Delicious]

Apologies if I'm being overly blunt, but if you still can't be yourself around her after eight years then why do you consider yourself in a relationship? Your partner is supposed to be the one person that knows and understands you inside out.

"I must be so guarded around her and it exhausts me greatly."
"I can be more myself around my friend group."
"Whenever I greatly annoy her..."
"she just doesn't understand why I feel the way that I do."
"I remain guarded to avoid these types of conversations."

All of the above are very clear flashing neons signs that you are not compatible. In fact, I would suggest you are not even compatible as friends if you are walking on eggshells the whole time. That isn't good. If you are living together, then perhaps remaining housemates works for the both of you for other reasons (finance, etc). But it doesn't sound like a good basis for anything deeper than that.