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Going home...

Sass

Sass

Well-Known Member
So I'm heading home to New Zealand for a weekend at the start of August. This wouldn't be so scary, but my stepmother and I had a HUGE fight when I was back last (a year ago) and I'm a bit weird about the whole thing. My Dad and I are pretty close and I'm really looking forward to seeing him, but my stepmother has never really warmed to me in the 25 or so years they've been together. In everyday life this isn't an issue, as they're happy and it's none of my business who he's married to. I'm 35, and as such shouldn't be worried about whether she likes me or not. She really doesn't like me though. Her sons have been a huge burden on my Dad over the years, treating him quite badly and being general massive pains in the arse. My Dad copes well and he does so because he loves his wife, but I often think she doesn't afford his kids (me and my brother) the same lee-way that he does hers. Anyway, it's 2 months away and I'm stressing, even though my rational brain is telling me I shouldn't worry, nor should I justify myself to this woman. It's not just her either, I don't react well to her, which is within my control if I could just try not to be so emotional about the whole thing.

Argh. Anyone had a similar situation? Or some words of wisdom?
 
Have you tried writing about how you feel? That always helps me. If you can learn to set aside the frustration caused by the friction between you and your stepmother for the duration of your visit, you should be able to at least tolerate her presence. This sounds like the kind of situation that requires a bit of compartmentalizing.
 
I was actually thinking of writing her a letter, not to actually give her, but just to get my thoughts and emotion straight in my head. Good advice, thanks :)
 
Sass said:
I was actually thinking of writing her a letter, not to actually give her, but just to get my thoughts and emotion straight in my head. Good advice, thanks :)
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Family dynamics. <facepalm>

Maybe under such circumstances that's all you really can do, short of simply not going. Makes sense. At least perhaps it can put your mind and your heart a bit more at ease.
 
Judge said:
Family dynamics. <facepalm>

Maybe under such circumstances that's all you really can do, short of simply not going. Makes sense. At least perhaps it can put your mind and your heart a bit more at ease.
Click to expand...

I've organised it so I'm not staying with them, I'm staying with my brothers, one each night I'm back. That might cut the opportunities for confrontation.
 
Sass said:
I've organised it so I'm not staying with them, I'm staying with my brothers, one each night I'm back. That might cut the opportunities for confrontation.
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Plus you have somewhere to go when things threaten to go wrong.
 
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The way I got through my dad's wedding last year without conflict was by setting my mind to being extremely nice and accepting to everybody, no matter what they would say or do. I just kind of showered everybody with positivity instead of getting annoyed or insulted by old grudges or comments. The trick I think was to look at them all as poor silly humans who just needed some compassion. My aunt for example opened with a very sarcastic comment about something I said when I was 7(!), how fur is murder (she likes her furs). I just smiled and gave her a big hug, telling her not to worry about those things, which confused her into being nice back, or at least not being hateful as usual. I kept doing this all day long. She needs a stroller now, so I'd keep an eye out and hand it to her when she needed it, telling her how difficult it must be for her and so on. Same with my step-mother. That relation would also be rather cold, but I told her how glad I was for my dad to have found someone who cares a lot for him, which helped. And mentioning a few times how silly it is to be judgemental on such a joyous day. I think I sort of made a game out of it, which helped in distancing myself emotionally.

Try to be the better man, or woman in this case. Maybe get her a nice big bouquet of flowers. It's very hard to be mad at someone who's treating you nice. You might have to bite your lip at times, but think of it as something silly that you can laugh about afterwards with your brothers. If your dad's happy, he's happy, that's probably most important. You have your own life.

And you have your 1up now!
 
So I'm leaving for the much dreaded and also hotly anticipated trip home on Friday night. The closer it gets, the more dread I feel, even though I know it'll be fine, mostly.

I'm not a great lover of planes either, so that's another stress. Being trapped in a small space with people who have no f*cks to give about my personal space isn't my favourite thing, but at least it's only 4 hours. When we lived in Abu Dhabi it took a whole day's flying to get home.

Plus I can't take my anti-anxiety-candy of choice with me, as it's not technically been prescribed to me, so I'd be in deep hooha if I got caught with it. Sigh...

Anyway, wish me luck! I think I'm going to need it :rolleyes:
 
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