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Going out with my Aspie.

bonnie79

bonnie79

Member
Hey there peeps.
I have been reading so many of your thread's and learning as much as I can about Aspergers. My partner has recently been diagnosed at the age of 30. He has been through so much bless him.
This last weekend he told me he wanted to take me out for a lovely meal somewhere nice. I was warey about it but he insisted that I pick somewhere and book a table. So I did. I picked somewhere I knew was quiet, asked for a quiet corner table where he would be less anxious.
So the time came on Saturday night. ...we got ready and went. As soon as we walked in I knew it was a mistake. He became anxious and irritated. Short tempered. And when we ordered he couldn't eat. He was hearing everyone else's convo but ours. I felt terrible for him. So I told him that we needed to go home. I didn't want to see him suffer like this.
He was so upset with himself. He told me that how were we going to cope if he can't go for a meal. ... or a night out.
So I said .... look I see Aspergers as a kind of allergy. Would I force a nut allergy sufferer to eat peanuts .... NO !! I am just as happy cuddled up watching a film in our pj's.
I am so appreciative of what he did this weekend. ... and proud. He obviously wanted so desperately to treat me. If it means that we never go out again .... then as long as he is happy and relaxed I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Aspie love ♡.
 
Wow, you are amazing. Your man must feel utterly blessed to have you in his life :)

I can go to restaurants and as long as I blank everything out, I am ok, but going to the toilet is a nightmare and this is where my husband is much like you, for he does not mock me and actually comes with me to the toilet and waits for me. I could die of shame, that at my age 45, I am pathetic. I usually say that I will wait til we get home, but he insists and says that what is there to walking with his wife? So a mixture of gratitude too.

It is really hard being an aspie and so, when you have someone in your life who shows extraordinary love, that makes our lives just that bit easier.

I am so impressed lol
 
Aaaw thanks Suzanne. Just so everyone knows my name is Rachel not Bonnie and I have no issues with being called either. I use Bonnie became me and my aspie are like Bonnie and Clyde .... loyal to each other until the end. I have clyde tattooed on my wrist and he has Bonnie on his arm lol .... may sound daft but that's us .
I have never treated him any other way to be honest. He has always been the same person .... you don't just wake up with aspergers do you . So if you are with an aspie you are with them because you love them . Maybe I love him because he is on the spectrum . I have a love of the 1920's and 30's . Always loved anything to do with that era .... and being an aspie he has a passion for car's. In particular pre ww2 . In fact I would say he is an expert. He reads and reads and stores it all in that amazing brain of his. It's something I wish I could do .
 
My poor husband has to cope with not only the fact that he has married a woman, who at best to describe her, is complicated in the extreme, but to have to get used to her being an aspie too, has been a bit too much for him and yet, he was the one who first alerted me to the fact that I take things literally and other such aspie traits.

Unfortunately due to obsessions, which he says in an amazing voice: You fall in and out of obsessions more times that I can breath or something like that! And aspergers has become an obsession too and he is rather tired of it all and insists that I should adapt to his way ie being an nt and things like: you are the minority so deal with it!

To be fair though, I do appreciate that I am hard work!!!

Oh and hello Rachel who is also Bonnie lol
 
Well I'm afraid that I can be incredibly hard work and I am not on the spectrum. Although I am finding that because I am aware of noise ..... crowd's etc I am beginning to pick up traits myself. Obviously this is only because I am trying to help him .
 
bonnie79 said:
Well I'm afraid that I can be incredibly hard work and I am not on the spectrum. Although I am finding that because I am aware of noise ..... crowd's etc I am beginning to pick up traits myself. Obviously this is only because I am trying to help him .
Click to expand...

I read somewhere that when you're close to an aspie, or live with one, you begin to pick up on some of their traits :P
 
bonnie79 said:
Aaaw thanks Suzanne. Just so everyone knows my name is Rachel not Bonnie and I have no issues with being called either. I use Bonnie became me and my aspie are like Bonnie and Clyde .... loyal to each other until the end. I have clyde tattooed on my wrist and he has Bonnie on his arm lol .... may sound daft but that's us .
I have never treated him any other way to be honest. He has always been the same person .... you don't just wake up with aspergers do you . So if you are with an aspie you are with them because you love them . Maybe I love him because he is on the spectrum . I have a love of the 1920's and 30's . Always loved anything to do with that era .... and being an aspie he has a passion for car's. In particular pre ww2 . In fact I would say he is an expert. He reads and reads and stores it all in that amazing brain of his. It's something I wish I could do .
Click to expand...

Have you seen Nitro's pictures? I think there are quite a few there you or he might appreciate. I'm not at all knowledgeable about cars but Nitro has a huge collection in his album on this site.

If it's OK I'll call you Bonnie, it's easier to remember since it matches your moniker. :)
 
You may call me what ever you want. My fella is on this forum. We both joined when we found you guy's. I will definitely show him . Thanks for that .
 
Bonnie, what a kind, compassionate heart you have for your cherished aspie. :) He is so very fortunate to share his world with someone so special!

Some going out ideas:
1. Go out to lunch, not dinner. Crowds are less, background chatter is quieter.
2. Corner tables are great, and if he's sensitive to glare, select a corner table away from bright windows, or politely request the curtains be drawn.
3. The stop-n-go motion of multiple servers in a diningroom can make some aspies overloaded, so if there's an alcove area with tables, or an extra room that's not used much, see if you can arrange for that, even if you ring the restaurant ahead of time.
4. Sit at your booth or table for a good five to ten minutes, before you scope out the menu. Your aspie needs time to adjust to being there (GAAH! Transitions!:eek: ), and then he will be in a better position to evaluate if the environment is too much or not.
five) Go nerdy, or go home!:D Work that quirk! Let your aspie ogle the menu online even before going. Many of us have to get the exact same meal at specific restaurants each time. Routines rock!:cool:

I hope you and he have a great time for your next outing, or even more fun, your next delivery food at home night! :pizza::beercheers::pizza:
 
Hey there warmheart. Thank you for the advice . I will definitely use it . I always take a smart phone or web tab wherever we go. It's a great distraction for him . He is a technological genius. If we go out for a walk he wears head phones most of the time.... it's a coping mechanism for him.
 
bonnie79 said:
Hey there peeps.
I have been reading so many of your thread's and learning as much as I can about Aspergers. My partner has recently been diagnosed at the age of 30. He has been through so much bless him.
This last weekend he told me he wanted to take me out for a lovely meal somewhere nice. I was warey about it but he insisted that I pick somewhere and book a table. So I did. I picked somewhere I knew was quiet, asked for a quiet corner table where he would be less anxious.
So the time came on Saturday night. ...we got ready and went. As soon as we walked in I knew it was a mistake. He became anxious and irritated. Short tempered. And when we ordered he couldn't eat. He was hearing everyone else's convo but ours. I felt terrible for him. So I told him that we needed to go home. I didn't want to see him suffer like this.
He was so upset with himself. He told me that how were we going to cope if he can't go for a meal. ... or a night out.
So I said .... look I see Aspergers as a kind of allergy. Would I force a nut allergy sufferer to eat peanuts .... NO !! I am just as happy cuddled up watching a film in our pj's.
I am so appreciative of what he did this weekend. ... and proud. He obviously wanted so desperately to treat me. If it means that we never go out again .... then as long as he is happy and relaxed I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Aspie love ♡.
Click to expand...

And that's why they sell take-out! :-) Aww, you must make a very sweet couple! Power to you!!!
 
Warmheart said:
Bonnie, what a kind, compassionate heart you have for your cherished aspie. :) He is so very fortunate to share his world with someone so special!

Some going out ideas:
1. Go out to lunch, not dinner. Crowds are less, background chatter is quieter.
2. Corner tables are great, and if he's sensitive to glare, select a corner table away from bright windows, or politely request the curtains be drawn.
3. The stop-n-go motion of multiple servers in a diningroom can make some aspies overloaded, so if there's an alcove area with tables, or an extra room that's not used much, see if you can arrange for that, even if you ring the restaurant ahead of time.
4. Sit at your booth or table for a good five to ten minutes, before you scope out the menu. Your aspie needs time to adjust to being there (GAAH! Transitions!:eek: ), and then he will be in a better position to evaluate if the environment is too much or not.
five) Go nerdy, or go home!:D Work that quirk! Let your aspie ogle the menu online even before going. Many of us have to get the exact same meal at specific restaurants each time. Routines rock!:cool:

I hope you and he have a great time for your next outing, or even more fun, your next delivery food at home night! :pizza::beercheers::pizza:
Click to expand...

Also, consider checking out the menu in advance when possible.
 
Yeah we did that. I downloaded it when I booked. It is the actual eating in public that was a struggle for him. Lots of good advice though . Thanks again .
 
Order in, get the fancy food made by someone else, and eat it at home in comfort.

If you feel the need to have dining company have a small dinner party with a select handful of guests that he is comfortable with.

As you said, the normal conditions of eating in a popular dining rest. are like an allergy, so work around that to avoid the reaction.
 
Totally agree with you. It was his decision to go out this weekend. I knew that there would be a problem .... but it was something he needed to do. Now he knows that I am not bothered about going out and that I am not upset about it , he feels much more secure. It is like an allergy. ... and I will always support him .
 
bonnie79 said:
Hey there peeps.
I have been reading so many of your thread's and learning as much as I can about Aspergers. My partner has recently been diagnosed at the age of 30. He has been through so much bless him.
This last weekend he told me he wanted to take me out for a lovely meal somewhere nice. I was warey about it but he insisted that I pick somewhere and book a table. So I did. I picked somewhere I knew was quiet, asked for a quiet corner table where he would be less anxious.
So the time came on Saturday night. ...we got ready and went. As soon as we walked in I knew it was a mistake. He became anxious and irritated. Short tempered. And when we ordered he couldn't eat. He was hearing everyone else's convo but ours. I felt terrible for him. So I told him that we needed to go home. I didn't want to see him suffer like this.
He was so upset with himself. He told me that how were we going to cope if he can't go for a meal. ... or a night out.
So I said .... look I see Aspergers as a kind of allergy. Would I force a nut allergy sufferer to eat peanuts .... NO !! I am just as happy cuddled up watching a film in our pj's.
I am so appreciative of what he did this weekend. ... and proud. He obviously wanted so desperately to treat me. If it means that we never go out again .... then as long as he is happy and relaxed I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing about him. Aspie love ♡.
Click to expand...

One thing that realllly helps me is wearing earplugs. It blocks out all the background noise and I can only hear the people I'm talking to directly. It's wonderful. It helps me sleep, too. I would recommend trying that before giving up on eating out. :)
 
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