greet passerbys - yes, no, sometimes?

[Shaddock]

one simple question: I walk daily across the compound of my company (because you can stroll really good there) and near to it and I face many people each time, company workers (who I don´t know) and other passerbys.

and every time I pass a passerbys, I ask myself "should I greet now or not?", sometimes I greet, sometimes not. it could be a bit stressfull to greet every person, when you pass like 20 people each time. also maybe I always have to look if I know this certain person or not, because maybe this person would act like "you passed me, but you not greeted me!." don´t know.

the most people don´t greet me, but I don´t know why. I think some people don´t greet at all. some don´t greet when you are too far away or if it is too sudden for them (maybe they are overstrained in this moment) and most people look in your face and when you don´t reply their look, they look away and don´t greet.

when I would know that greeting every time is common and the best way, then I would do this. but I´m not certain. I accustom myself to that maybe.

but I always greet neighbors or when I´m AT work (and not just on the compound).

I don´t want that people say "well, he´s the one who never greet people and don´t look in their faces."

world: simple question
shaddock: well, lets create a science of it

 

[Pats]

I think I would stop strolling. lol If you think about it - they don't all greet you either, right? I hate running into people I kinda know on the street or somewhere because there is always that "should I greet them, talk to them and if I do talk to them, what the heck am I gonna say" thing going on. I actually have resolved that. I still wear the masks in public places because my health. On top of that, my hair is thinning really bad from all the medications so I will wear a wig when I go out. Now no one recognizes me. It's great!

 

[Darkkin]

I usually have my headphones and a book out, or the dog along and my headphones in. My attention is everywhere except on the face of the person approaching. I will actively move over and give space. While I might give the brief, reflexive smile, I will never verbally engage.

The only time I did actively did so, was in defense of Rue Dog when a flock of dimwitted freshman decided they had every right to pet my dog without asking.

I engaged and I got loud demanding to know what they thought they were doing? It was a violation of my space and a trauma for Rue Dog because he doesn't like random people touching him.

He was leashed, clearly tagged as working, (do not touch, pet, distract, etc.), under control, and we had actively moved away from the flock. Still they approached and didn't stop until I got brutally clear. I used a word I never use, but it penetrated their thick skulls.

I said what I needed to. 'You never touch someone else's dog without the owner's permission. Period.'

I didn't stick around to explain the finer details of dog etiquette, but a couple of other dog owners at the local drive-in did. I could hear them lambasting that group of students from two blocks away.

The local university now includes a section on pet etiquette and personal boundaries as part of their orientation material.

I hate the fact that we have to stupid proof everything because some people have never been told no. The denier is usually painted as the maimer of the denied's psyche, but sometimes a reality check is needed to knock people into an awareness beyond their own wants.

 

[Judge]

In more urban environments, don't expect total strangers to suddenly greet much of anyone for no particular reason. From my own observation, it just doesn't happen.

In less urban environments, if you are a "regular" patron or someone you know recognizes you, it's good to respond to them if it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

Something I would point out to much of anyone, regardless of neurological considerations.

Unless of course someone asks you, "Will tenants' right in Ireland flourish?"
And you respond, ""If the people unite and the landlords subdue." -Then it's all good for both of you.

 

[Gerontius]

I guess this is odd but as a Southerner by birth it wasn't considered too weird to greet random people. And complimenting random people doesn't seem to be impossible either.

Now one other thing--if people really do believe in not talking to anyone, and that's how they choose to live, fine, but that's a good way to go through life with zero friends or people you meet in real life. I don't think I'd want to live like that; been there, done that because in that one city I lived in people don't really talk to each other. It's not great.

 

[Shaddock]

@Judge I live in a more rural environment now. one woman greeted me first and I greeted back. she seemed very friendly and smiled.

well, I think if I would be like "if I don´t have to talk to someone, I don´t do that", my seeked job would be totally impossible, because as carer you have to talk with people (patients or colleagues) all the time and all day and you should ask them how they are doing, small talk and so on. and from your own and not only when someones says "hey you, go there and talk to that person."

I understand this behavior and I was like that in the past too (avoiding people and conversations) and maybe for many people that behavior is the best for the mental health.

but it changed for me, because I recognized that I lack of social skills, experience and contact and to avoid people further, would be very contraproductive. so I decided to vice versa and I will try to talk more to people in the future. I don´t have to greet or talk to everyone, but definitely at work.

if I feel comfortable with that... I think I will, but I´m not 100 percent sure, but I will see. but I can only speak for myself.

I think in my seeked job, it would be a no-go if I would say "I don´t want to talk to that specific patient", because that would be my job. and when they go to me and talk with me, I have to talk with them and can not say "come back later." or something like that. unfamiliar for me, but maybe it will pleasure me after some time, I don´t know.

maybe it could help some autists to do a social profession, but only some. maybe for some autists it would be contraproductive.

 

[Judge]

@Judge I live in a more rural environment now. one woman greeted me first and I greeted back. she seemed very friendly and smiled.

Another thing to factor in is the unfortunate times we live in, relative to technology. People are losing their ability to project being social and turning to technology instead. Personally I believe it has a long-term negative effect on people in general, whether in either urban or rural environments. So much casual communication, but through cellphones and computers. A sign of the times...

 

[Darkkin]

How much of one's interaction level is based on the social context in which one finds one's self?

Running errands or at work my social mask is firmly in place. It isn't an issue, I can engage quite reasonably.

When I take the dog for a walk, totally different kettle of fish. My mask is off, I also have a significant number of visual cues that indicate interactions are not needed nor welcome. Please pretend you don't see me.

 

[Judge]

Frankly I find having that sense of anonymity more often than not to be comforting.

When I simply don't have to bother masking my traits and behaviors. Plus living in near-isolation has really contributed to losing that urge to mask because as an old man, I don't have to. One less thing to be concerned about.

With the odds of running into someone I knew being close to zero. My bad.

 

[Shaddock]

and why exactly do you and many autists have to mask your traits and behaviors? maybe I´m wrong but I don´t think that I mask myself or that I have to. but maybe it is something automatic? dont know.

but I have to say that my autism seems to be not that visible. people are often like "what, YOU have autism?" or "you don´t act like an autist" and mostly don´t really care about it when I say I have autism. not because they are ignorant, but because they more (not fully) unconsciousness register me like I would be NT. maybe masking is no thing for me, because even without it, I don´t look that autistic. I don´t know. I myself know that I have autism and often registrate that very much, but maybe for others it don´t look that flashy.

my therapist registrated first that I have autism, because she has educational training. and another therapist registrated it too. but also one person who worked with autists said that he thinks that I don´t have autism. maybe my autism is more about inner things and less about what you can see from outside.

or how do you define "masking"?

what would happen when you don´t mask yourself? if you would tell your colleagues that you have autism, wouldn´t that been some kind of unmasking?

why is it better to mask, than to say "hey, I have autism." or just to act like oneself is?

masking seems so kinda common and normal here, respectively everybody is talking about it in that way.

have I asked this before or is this just a de ja vu? : D

 

[Tom]

I would probably not greet total strangers. But I would respond back to any who greeted me and any I have got to know.

 

[Darkkin]

Being female, identified early, more than reasonably intelligent with a preference for my own company and peace, I learned baseline behaviour patterns very early in life. As my grandma tells it, right around age five, I flipped a switch in public.

I hide my autism, I hide my intellect and interests. I give society a front it needs to see. And people let me be. Some of it is my neurotype, some of it is my introversion. It is a survival mechanism. As with the stripes of a zebra, I am not going to surrender my stripes and reveal that I'm a unicorn.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Always greet in some way:

A) Person you know well:

• 1rst time on that day. Greet with big smile, little chat, get interest in how they are doing.
• 2nd or more times. Eye contact, nood with head or raise hand. Smile.

B) Person you dont know well but work in the company, you have talked sometime etc:

• 1rst time on that day. Eye contact, smile, general greet. Just talk more if that person iniciate talk.
• 2nd or more times. Nood with head, raise hand.

C) Person you dont know. Just mimic their greet towards you if any.

There are more things to consider, like the possitions and relative social status of those people and yourself, their body behavour (they are bussy, angry, sad, happy ...) Other people arround, etc.

Its not an easy thing, I have practiced for years and I still make mistakes daily.

 

[Darkkin]

 

[Shaddock]

@Atrapa Almas an instruction manual for social interactions. great : ) maybe for many non-autists they intuitively unspool that instruction manual, without recognizing that, because it is unconsciousness for them. often when I ask something, people are like "I never thought about that before."

and I find that manual represents how complicate social interactions are or could be (for some people like many autists).

the most easy one is when I find someone very sympathetic, then I have no struggle and don´t think about it, I just smile and everything is easy, because I like the person and maybe he/she me and I don´t have to care about anything. but sadly, this is more the rare than common situation.

 

[Judge]

Looking at all the responses, I suspect we can surmise that it's not such a "simple" question after all.

Culture, familiarity, locale, neurology...lots of factors in play in how we do or don't routinely greet others.

 

[Gerontius]

Emily Post's Etiquette worked pretty well as a social instruction manual. Forget the silly outdated parts, focus on the making-it-convenient-for-others parts, and it's pretty solid stuff. I have the 1948 edition. Very postwar, somehow still feels very current.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I greet people if they smile at me and say hello as a way to be polite but I don’t stop to have conversations unless they need help or directions.

 

[Judge]

Funny this subject suddenly reminded me of one cousin and her mother who would greet me by kissing me on the lips. Another cousin (the one who lives across town) seemed repelled by this practice.

I guess I should mention that both cousins are sisters. Sometimes socialization makes my head spin.

 

[Darkkin]

I deflect with humour and dorky movie quotes.