Greetings (NT male seeking dating advice)

[SMBH]

Hello, I am a young man in his early twenties seeking any advice about how best approach another young man (He has told me he has Autism).

We do not live near each other, in fact we met while we were both on holiday/vacation.

I had been looking at him from across a room, and after a while he initiated conversation with me (asking for a cigarette).

We spent the evening waking together, and talking, I was struck by his attentive nature, and his kindness. It was his beauty that first attracted me, but it was his personality that really caught my attention.

The next week we met in his hometown, we spent several hours walking and talking. He took me to his favourite spot in the town (a park overlooking the town and River). It was while we were at the park He informed me that he had autism. I said "oh, ok". To me it has no bearing on how I feel for him, but in honesty made me rethink how I should approach the situation.

I have spent a lot of time on this forum, and others, reading, trying to learn as much as I can; about autism in general, people's experiences etc..

I know everyone is different, and each person has their own manner of acting. What for some people may be too slow, for others is too quick.

I know that no one here can answer all of my questions, and that their is no script to follow.

We have been talking nearly every day since meeting, and while I hope he has an expressed interest in me, I am not certain, who can be really? I have not explicitly told him that I am romantically interested in him, I intend to tell him this soon. In honesty I am scared of being rejected.

I want to tell him honestly how I feel, but we have only met eachother a few times, and I don't want him to feel like I am pushing him, or pressuring him.

We are meeting again tomorrow.

I didn't really actually ask a question here, but any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome! Navigating feelings, whether with someone on the spectrum or not, is always tricky as balls. As you stated, but more eloquently than I did I, personally, would approach the situation the same way as I would with anyone I had interest in. That is to say, I would express how much I enjoy hanging out together and how much I enjoy chatting inbetween meetings. I'd watch how the other person responds to this, both verbally and non-verbally. If it seems like he responds in kind, you could say something along the lines of how you'd hope to see this going somewhere in the future (not necessarily phrased like that, English is not my first language) I'd be careful with dropping a feelingsbomb on someone, but carefully trying to assess how the other person feels is always a good idea.

I can understand that you're afraid of rejection. Rejection sucks, and hurts, and then sucks some more. But at least you will have some clarity other than a stomach full of dragons (cause seriously, those are not butterflies at all. They gnaw something fierce...)

 

[OkRad]

I know for me, BRUTAL HONESTY is number one. Aspies know stuff and when NTs cover it up, we know somethng is up, though we might not know what. That will push us away, because we get confused. You may notice he says what he feels and does not hide things. Do that, too.

I think it's awesome that you are trying to learn more. You will get a lot of info here. I would love t be loved for who I am, but most of us on here have trouble with that and so we fake. Create a safe place so he does not have to fake.

ALSO, remember that many ASpies, once trust is earned, love deeply. If you draw him in and then down the the road his ways are too much, you will hurt him deeply. Be very careful not to hurt him. If you do find it too much, have a very honest talk about that so he know exactly WHY.

ALways be honest. It is hard for NTs to match Aspie honesty because the world makes people say things they don't mean in order SOCIALLY to fit in. Aspies don't get this, or if they do, it's with great effort. Be aware that will happen an d try your best to match it.

Let us know! If I can thihnk of anything else, I will post.

 

[SMBH]

Thank you for the advice

As you say the "feelings bomb" is what I have been trying to avoid. I suppose as with any possible relationship there is a fine line between moving the process along at a mutually acceptable pace, and overwhelming someone out of the blue.

I do feel like he may feel the same way, but when I like someone i tend to blow thier actions/words out of proportion.

I'm content to move slowly, he's a really nice guy. And I would still be content if we only became friends.

 

[SMBH]

I know for me, BRUTAL HONESTY is number one. Aspies know stuff and when NTs cover it up, we know somethng is up, though we might not know what. That will push us away, because we get confused. You may notice he says what he feels and does not hide things. Do that, too.

I think it's awesome that you are trying to learn more. You will get a lot of info here. I would love t be loved for who I am, but most of us on here have trouble with that and so we fake. Create a safe place so he does not have to fake.

ALSO, remember that many ASpies, once trust is earned, love deeply. If you draw him in and then down the the road his ways are too much, you will hurt him deeply. Be very careful not to hurt him. If you do find it too much, have a very honest talk about that so he know exactly WHY.

ALways be honest. It is hard for NTs to match Aspie honesty because the world makes people say things they don't mean in order SOCIALLY to fit in. Aspies don't get this, or if they do, it's with great effort. Be aware that will happen an d try your best to match it.

Let us know! If I can thihnk of anything else, I will post.

Thank you for your advice, one of the things I have been afraid of is in any way sending mixed signals. While I have not been wholly open about the extent of my feelings I have let him know how much I enjoy spending time with him. He tells me he enjoys spending time with me as well.

We live quite far from each other, so the opportunity to meet in person doesn't happen often. So I try to let him know ahead of time when I will be in the area, and let him pick the day and time and where we meet.

I will be more conscious now of the messages I send and how they could possibly be interpreted. I just don't want to do the wrong thing, because I really do like him.

 

[Bolletje]

You seem like a good person. I hope things work out for (the both of) you.

 

[dragoncat16]

How is it that you know that he likes other men? If he revealed that to you, and you aren't just guessing (or just know; I'm not really sure how that works), you could probably take that as a good sign, because there really wouldn't be any other reason to disclose that to someone in casual conversation.

Rejection is one of the possible outcomes, but that is true with anyone else. Given what you have said, I can't really see outright rejection as a possibility here though. Best wishes to both of you!

 

[celestialregale]

Judging by your post, just be yourself, as considerate and thoughtful as you seem to be.

 

[SMBH]

How is it that you know that he likes other men? If he revealed that to you, and you aren't just guessing (or just know; I'm not really sure how that works), you could probably take that as a good sign, because there really wouldn't be any other reason to disclose that to someone in casual conversation.

Rejection is one of the possible outcomes, but that is true with anyone else. Given what you have said, I can't really see outright rejection as a possibility here though. Best wishes to both of you!

I don't know for certain his sexual persuasion. I haven't assumed anything about who he is. It is an unfortunate reality of being gay, that sometimes, oftentimes a leap of faith is required.

It is more than likely that he is just a friendly person, and that is something I have to expect in this situation, and many others I will find myself in in the years to come.

So I guess my answer is that I don't know. It's quite possible he is just being friendly. I guess I'll find out.

 

[Streetwise]

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome! I hope you find good support and community here.

 

[SMBH]

How is it that you know that he likes other men? If he revealed that to you, and you aren't just guessing (or just know; I'm not really sure how that works), you could probably take that as a good sign, because there really wouldn't be any other reason to disclose that to someone in casual conversation.

Rejection is one of the possible outcomes, but that is true with anyone else. Given what you have said, I can't really see outright rejection as a possibility here though. Best wishes to both of you!

Update:

We spent a lovely day together, walked, talked, went to the park, played some pool, and he walked me to my train.

We were in the park smoking and talking, he went with me while I got another tattoo. When we were leaving the park he mentioned he has a girlfriend. So, in the romantic respect things aren't going to happen. But I look forward to spending more time with him whenever we next meet.

Thanks for all the advice.

 

[Lemon Zing]

I'm not sure if you like to use dating sites or not. Personally, I think they are all very gimmicky. I've seen ones where you have to buy a .JPG of a champagne bottle, or something, which acts as a gift. I assume girls want to 'collect every gift' on the site in order to show off to other men, and women, to boast of how "popular" they are, which makes them (again, anybody online isn't always what they say they are), feel important. Hell, I'm the crown prince of Egypt. Why not just right click each one and save them offline, and send them all in a well worded, real email? Uh!

I don't get that.

Anyway, I guess paying for things may appear to show "commitment" to a person you are attracted to, but does it really? Like, maybe one inexpensive gift is okay, if you were already dating that person. But not to go overkill with your wallet.

 

[Bolletje]

@SMBH That must have been unpleasant for you to hear. But I guess at least you know now, right? It's good to hear that a friendship is something you're looking forward to, really says something about you as a person.

 

[SMBH]

@Bolletje Yes it was unpleasant to hear, but life is so short that I very much appreciate people being forward and direct with me.

If that is how he acts toward me with no romantic intentions; caring and considerate, then his girlfriend is a very lucky woman.

I enjoy spending time with him and talking anyway. My task now is to separate my romantic intentions from purely friendly intentions. I look forward to seeing him again, and next time I won't be so caught up in my own feelings that I'll be able to relax more and just focus on having a fun time with him, as long as he is enjoying himself as well.