Growing apart from long-time friend

[pastelanxiety]

I recently realised that I've started drifting apart from one of my only friends (which can be common) and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.

I met this friend back when we were both 13y/o when I started at her school as a new student. We were fast friends and then went on to attend the same high school together right up until graduation. Over the last 16 years we have remained in each others' lives pretty consistently, seeing each other and messaging regularly, and she's always been VERY social with multiple circles of friends, whilst I've only really had her plus some acquaintances here and there (which I'm very okay with).

My friend is very NT and is a lovely person, but can sometimes come across as a little judgemental and close minded towards things she doesn't understand/agree with. She was a bit dismissive of my recent Asperger's diagnosis by telling me "oh so you're just socially awkward? We already knew that?". She has very high (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations of what a friend should be, and I feel like her expectations don't really leave much room for anyone who is ND in my opinion. I've always masked heavily around her, however have begun to unmask in small doses but whenever I do, I get the feeling she sees me as "difficult" or "acting differently". I care for my friend deeply (and I know she cares for me), however we have grown into very different people and our friendship now feels very based on history, not actual common interests etc.

The change in dynamic has happened slowly and I find myself feeling pretty okay with the idea of our friendship running it's course and naturally coming to an end eventually. My friend seems pretty accepting of this as well, however I sometimes find myself wondering "should I feel sadder about this?" or I'll make myself feel guilty for being okay the friendship dwindling.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. Has anyone else experienced a long-term (or short) friendship change/end?

 

[The Pandector]

After seventy years, I have two friends, and they’re married. (Others would be offended I said that, but ‘friend’ means less to some.) I rarely get to see them, as life forced me to move away. We talk on the phone for an hour or two every week.

Yesterday, I went in to the doctor over what I’m nearly certain is a pancreatic problem. Required to don a mask, I went into some kind of episode. Never happened before. Spent yesterday and today running tests. They aren’t nearly as worried about my pancreas as they are about my heart. Plus, it appears something is up with my thyroid. Don’t get me wrong. Life has been a runaway roller coaster, and I’ll take whatever off-ramp the Lord decrees.

When I got home, I had more medical appointments to line up, and needed to call my daughter-in-law who thrives on drama old or new.

When all was done, I called my friends. There is no way to place value on that. There’s nothing they can do, had no wisdom to offer. In fact, they were in bed recovering from the flu, and had little to say. But, my friends listened to my day and cared. I’ll try hard not to wander off.

I have wandered away from lots of people, because that’s what I do. But I am very grateful that I had my friends to call when my boat was rocking.

 

[Progster]

Yeah, it happens. People evolve, move on, have new circumstances, make new friends and social contacts and leave the old ones behind. It's normal. I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty about feeling sad, it's just life. It seems that the friendship was hard work for you as you had to mask, and if she is judgemental perhaps you don't feel comfortable round her? So perhaps it's for the best and it's time to move on.

 

[pastelanxiety]

Yeah, it happens. People evolve, move on, have new circumstances, make new friends and social contacts and leave the old ones behind. It's normal. I don't think there's any reason to feel guilty about feeling sad, it's just life. It seems that the friendship was hard work for you as you had to mask, and if she is judgemental perhaps you don't feel comfortable round her? So perhaps it's for the best and it's time to move on.

Yeah sadly just a part of life, and because the dynamic has changed slowly I've had time to accept it for what it is which has made it easier. I think your mention of not feeling comfortable around her rings true, and the masking is incredibly draining.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I recently realised that I've started drifting apart from one of my only friends (which can be common) and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.

I met this friend back when we were both 13y/o when I started at her school as a new student. We were fast friends and then went on to attend the same high school together right up until graduation. Over the last 16 years we have remained in each others' lives pretty consistently, seeing each other and messaging regularly, and she's always been VERY social with multiple circles of friends, whilst I've only really had her plus some acquaintances here and there (which I'm very okay with).

My friend is very NT and is a lovely person, but can sometimes come across as a little judgemental and close minded towards things she doesn't understand/agree with. She was a bit dismissive of my recent Asperger's diagnosis by telling me "oh so you're just socially awkward? We already knew that?". She has very high (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations of what a friend should be, and I feel like her expectations don't really leave much room for anyone who is ND in my opinion. I've always masked heavily around her, however have begun to unmask in small doses but whenever I do, I get the feeling she sees me as "difficult" or "acting differently". I care for my friend deeply (and I know she cares for me), however we have grown into very different people and our friendship now feels very based on history, not actual common interests etc.

The change in dynamic has happened slowly and I find myself feeling pretty okay with the idea of our friendship running it's course and naturally coming to an end eventually. My friend seems pretty accepting of this as well, however I sometimes find myself wondering "should I feel sadder about this?" or I'll make myself feel guilty for being okay the friendship dwindling.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. Has anyone else experienced a long-term (or short) friendship change/end?

Of course. I talked to my close friend about it yesterday, who's 15 and I'm 17. I've had many friends in the past and most of them have drifted off except for a select few and even some of that few are becoming more and more distant, especially since one person in particular has been hard to be friends with because they don't open up as much as I do. However, the friend I hung out yesterday is an open book and an encyclopedia of memes, internet trends and fun like me, so we get along just swimmingly ^^

I said to my friend "most people who finish school will miss the friends they had", and some will treat it like it's a celebration. I told her to make good friends (she's entering a new school) and have as much fun as possible. I also tell this to younger kids! I'm glad that I've gotten over that feeling but it may take months or even years to get over depending on how close you are. I'm sure you'll reach a point where you're at peace with it though <3 Thank you.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Yeah sadly just a part of life, and because the dynamic has changed slowly I've had time to accept it for what it is which has made it easier. I think your mention of not feeling comfortable around her rings true, and the masking is incredibly draining.

Yeah, weirdly enough for me though it's quite the opposite - my friends are the unusual ones and I feel like I'm the more mature, quiet one who's sorta mentally older. I find it easier to fit in with anyone that isn't in that one group of mine honestly.

 

[Uppity Creek]

There is an investment in a friendship; it took time to find, to build, to maintain. And you have so many shared experiences, which can include some of your best memories. That has been my experience. But, I've also seen that sometimes you just drift too far apart. I find myself feeling down on occasion about some of my old friends but I don't think there is much I can do about it. I really wish I could be that close to someone today but it will have to be somebody new, if at all.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

There is an investment in a friendship; it took time to find, to build, to maintain. And you have so many shared experiences, which can include some of your best memories. That has been my experience. But, I've also seen that sometimes you just drift too far apart. I find myself feeling down on occasion about some of my old friends but I don't think there is much I can do about it. I really wish I could be that close to someone today but it will have to be somebody new, if at all.

True. I totally, completely agree. I have lost that connection with the majority of my friends except for a select few that are both, living closer to me and closer to me in my heart <3

 

[pastelanxiety]

There is an investment in a friendship; it took time to find, to build, to maintain. And you have so many shared experiences, which can include some of your best memories. That has been my experience. But, I've also seen that sometimes you just drift too far apart. I find myself feeling down on occasion about some of my old friends but I don't think there is much I can do about it. I really wish I could be that close to someone today but it will have to be somebody new, if at all.

I agree, it's quite bittersweet in a way. I share so many great memories with her, which we reminisce on often, however it also kind of saddens me slightly that almost all of those memories include a very masked version of myself so I feel somewhat removed from it all, if this makes sense

 

[Luca]

I’m losing most of my irl friends because I have so much going on in my personal life that masking has just become too exhausting. So they don’t like the real me, I guess.
It’s disheartening, but I can’t say I’m surprised.
Most of my irl friendships were apparently destined to be temporary.

Do I feel guilty for not caring that much? Absolutely. But I don’t get attached to irl people easily anymore because they’re bound to leave or turn on me at some point. And most of them have treated me as disposable so I guess we were mutually unattached.

I have a couple of close friends that I would be devastated if I lost, but I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable.
Probably a bit uncharacteristically pessimistic, and probably not what you wanted to hear, but my real life interpersonal relationships are in a sad state at the moment.

I do have hope that I will meet some other autistic people in real life in the future and they will be more accepting.

 

[pastelanxiety]

I’m losing most of my irl friends because I have so much going on in my personal life that masking has just become too exhausting. So they don’t like the real me, I guess.
It’s disheartening, but I can’t say I’m surprised.
Most of my irl friendships were apparently destined to be temporary.

Do I feel guilty for not caring that much? Absolutely. But I don’t get attached to irl people easily anymore because they’re bound to leave or turn on me at some point. And most of them have treated me as disposable so I guess we were mutually unattached.

I have a couple of close friends that I would be devastated if I lost, but I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable.
Probably a bit uncharacteristically pessimistic, and probably not what you wanted to hear, but my real life interpersonal relationships are in a sad state at the moment.

I do have hope that I will meet some other autistic people in real life in the future and they will be more accepting.

That sounds really tough, and I can relate to what you've said to some extent. I've always struggled with relationships and friendships and definitely avoid seeking out new connections out of fear of rejection and potential abandonment.

I can empathize with your point of people not liking the real you. I'm currently dealing with people's views and opinions of me changing as I slowly begin to unmask - many people around me are either skeptical as to why I'm acting differently, or are quite invalidating, so I can see my social circle potentially shrinking further eventually (not that it was big to start with).

I sincerely hope you get to meet some other autistic people irl who will understand and accept you for who you really are.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I’m losing most of my irl friends because I have so much going on in my personal life that masking has just become too exhausting. So they don’t like the real me, I guess.
It’s disheartening, but I can’t say I’m surprised.
Most of my irl friendships were apparently destined to be temporary.

Do I feel guilty for not caring that much? Absolutely. But I don’t get attached to irl people easily anymore because they’re bound to leave or turn on me at some point. And most of them have treated me as disposable so I guess we were mutually unattached.

I have a couple of close friends that I would be devastated if I lost, but I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable.
Probably a bit uncharacteristically pessimistic, and probably not what you wanted to hear, but my real life interpersonal relationships are in a sad state at the moment.

I do have hope that I will meet some other autistic people in real life in the future and they will be more accepting.

Aww I totally understand, I've actually been through the same thing even though I have teen friends :,) Luckily though, some of them have stuck around, been respectful, sweet and acted like they cared! Others have done the complete opposite... Lucky they're not in my life anymore. I'm glad for us both. Keep trekking on.

 

[Luca]

Aww I totally understand, I've actually been through the same thing even though I have teen friends :,) Luckily though, some of them have stuck around, been respectful, sweet and acted like they cared! Others have done the complete opposite... Lucky they're not in my life anymore. I'm glad for us both. Keep trekking on.

I'm so glad your good friends have stuck around!
It's good to cut toxic friends out of your life, and it's also good to have friends that you can rely on who do care!

 

[Kayla55]

You mentioned on another thread that you masked so much you didn't know who you were. Where you happy? Did you just tug along never minding alexthymia?
When people say you behaving autistic ...well you coming out your shell and relearning to live and recognise you are hard wired differently.
Whenever I stepped out and said what I really thought back in high school, my girlfriend's were shocked, just look at me. I choose to part and search for myself, I met various friends from different groups and tried new things.
Um, are you going to come out with amazing outcome that shocks everyone regarding diagnosis, suppose it depends how well you know yourself, or do you ....
Maybe you can mask a bit, keep those friends while you are in time of self discovery and see later if that life is really for you. We do need certain amount of masking skills for work and life, a means to get by unless you mad scientist in a basement, so perhaps dropping totally of social planet of Earth is albeit radical

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I'm so glad your good friends have stuck around!
It's good to cut toxic friends out of your life, and it's also good to have friends that you can rely on who do care!

Yeah, the strange thing is about one friend in particular is that I used to think we'd be really close, good friends, but we actually have a lot of distance and she shows disinterest a lot. I still have this feeling that someday she might realise she was a little rude to me and make up for it. If not, so it will be.

 

[pastelanxiety]

You mentioned on another thread that you masked so much you didn't know who you were. Where you happy? Did you just tug along never minding alexthymia?
When people say you behaving autistic ...well you coming out your shell and relearning to live and recognise you are hard wired differently.
Whenever I stepped out and said what I really thought back in high school, my girlfriend's were shocked, just look at me. I choose to part and search for myself, I met various friends from different groups and tried new things.
Um, are you going to come out with amazing outcome that shocks everyone regarding diagnosis, suppose it depends how well you know yourself, or do you ....
Maybe you can mask a bit, keep those friends while you are in time of self discovery and see later if that life is really for you. We do need certain amount of masking skills for work and life, a means to get by unless you mad scientist in a basement, so perhaps dropping totally of social planet of Earth is albeit radical

I've always found myself feeling quite unsettled and unhappy, and knowing what I know now it's evident I've always masked and have never been overly happy doing so.

I think people around around me are starting to see the mask slip, only a little, but it's enough to raise questions like "are you okay, you're acting a bit different" etc. For example, I went out for an unplanned dinner with a small group of work colleagues/friends last night and instead of hiding the fact I was experiencing significant sensory overload, I expressed it and got momentarily upset when I was alone with two of my close work friends (who were very understanding and supportive).

I don't plan to drop the masking all at once, or completely - I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I'm not sure where the mask ends and where I begin if that makes sense? I also require a level of masking for my job

 

[Kayla55]

I've always found myself feeling quite unsettled and unhappy, and knowing what I know now it's evident I've always masked and have never been overly happy doing so.

I think people around around me are starting to see the mask slip, only a little, but it's enough to raise questions like "are you okay, you're acting a bit different" etc. For example, I went out for an unplanned dinner with a small group of work colleagues/friends last night and instead of hiding the fact I was experiencing significant sensory overload, I expressed it and got momentarily upset when I was alone with two of my close work friends (who were very understanding and supportive).

I don't plan to drop the masking all at once, or completely - I couldn't even if I wanted to, because I'm not sure where the mask ends and where I begin if that makes sense? I also require a level of masking for my job

It's never easy, sometimes reckon damned if you do, damned if you don't. As if being a women wasn't hard enough we still have asd to confuse the matter more. Hang in there, diagnosis isn't really changing much, as you said you felt it before diagnosis. Before I knew I called it emotionally intense, some of us were just different.

 

[N2k12]

I recently realised that I've started drifting apart from one of my only friends (which can be common) and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it.

I met this friend back when we were both 13y/o when I started at her school as a new student. We were fast friends and then went on to attend the same high school together right up until graduation. Over the last 16 years we have remained in each others' lives pretty consistently, seeing each other and messaging regularly, and she's always been VERY social with multiple circles of friends, whilst I've only really had her plus some acquaintances here and there (which I'm very okay with).

My friend is very NT and is a lovely person, but can sometimes come across as a little judgemental and close minded towards things she doesn't understand/agree with. She was a bit dismissive of my recent Asperger's diagnosis by telling me "oh so you're just socially awkward? We already knew that?". She has very high (and sometimes unrealistic) expectations of what a friend should be, and I feel like her expectations don't really leave much room for anyone who is ND in my opinion. I've always masked heavily around her, however have begun to unmask in small doses but whenever I do, I get the feeling she sees me as "difficult" or "acting differently". I care for my friend deeply (and I know she cares for me), however we have grown into very different people and our friendship now feels very based on history, not actual common interests etc.

The change in dynamic has happened slowly and I find myself feeling pretty okay with the idea of our friendship running it's course and naturally coming to an end eventually. My friend seems pretty accepting of this as well, however I sometimes find myself wondering "should I feel sadder about this?" or I'll make myself feel guilty for being okay the friendship dwindling.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. Has anyone else experienced a long-term (or short) friendship change/end?

it sounds like your friend is not being very understanding or supportive. if they are invalidating you, they are not really good friends. its sad to hear these things. unfortunately it does happen, i hope you meet good people and develop proper friendships