Growing up with autistic parents, not autism parents.

[Neri]

I am reading a book about an 18 year old boy with Aspergers and it's making me cry.
https://www.jodipicoult.com/house-rules.htmlAnd it's really bringing up a lot of grief for me.
The mum is so devoted and caring. I got the opposite.

I have reconciled and come to terms with how self oriented and oblivious my mum was to my needs, how frighteningly disregulated and actually abusive and neglectful she was, and how the best thing my autistic dad managed to do, at a certain point, was to not unalive himself, other than he put me in a psychiatric hospital for teens. No, my dad did try, but he is also super autistic, so waaay out of his depth as a dad, especially with me, the firstborn.

I am processing how hard and terrifying, with no one to help me learn to regulate or consider how chaotic the life they threw me into was. I wish I had of had autism parents, instead of autistic ones who had absolutely no idea. I love them and I forgive them and I understand, but it was so hard!

I think I have tried at least as hard as my dad, actually harder, because he did some horrible stuff, like marry my awful stepmother and never support me around how abusive my mum was and plenty of her lovers were to me. But he couldn't help it, he is hopelessly Aspergers Autistic, good at linguistics and research but not skilled at much else. He is finishing his first draft of a PhD, he rang me to tell me about it today.

I tried to do more than they did, for my children, than they managed for me. I tried to give them a not-broken family, because I thought that was best for them. I tried so hard to sacrifice for my children, instead of put myself first, but, I still messed them up. Firstly by staying with their dad and secondly by leaving him. And by being an autist myself.

Two of my children are angry and disappointed with me. One for leaving his dad and the other for being autistic, I think, I don't even understand why she is so angry with me, to be honest.

I really do love and forgive my parents and that has taken a long time and a lot of "inner work" but I don't think they really know what incredible terror and loneliness I have dealt with to try to make all their lives as easy as I could. At least, not the angry children and not the parents I left at 16 so they wouldn't be burdened with me

My parents are socially and emotionally overwhelmed people, not quite as much as they were when I was younger, but, still incapable of much supportive response because of their own autism. They are not awful people, just autistic people, and they came from the baby boomer generation and everyone from England must have been so traumatized, born post WW2.

They came to Australia as children and it must've been terrifying for them. I know it was, they are still very frightened and overwhelmed people, they always have been. Like I said I really do forgive them, they both feel like they failed me and that is because they are good people that actually do care about me and I know that now, but, I didn't at all, when I was growing up.

 

[AprilR]

I feel for you, my parents were not perfect either. They did their best with what they had in a horribly ableist country. But the constant anxiety and loneliness while growing up, the lack of human connection is really traumatizing

 

[kriss72]

Having grown up with an (most likely) autistic dad, that had an tendency to explode in anger when things got too overwhelming for him, and had very limited general parenting skills - I was an adult before I could understand how much he actually loved me and my brother.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't think any parent is "perfect", but it sure seems like there are a lot of us that grew up with dysfunction in the family. Some of which, given the genetic component of autism, likely had parents with undiagnosed autism variants. Others, it seems, had parents with other psychological issues. What a perfect environment to have growing up autistic. (sarcasm)

My parents, for better or worse, had no clue I was autistic. They were pretty much the types of parents that focused upon creating an independent child. You want something? Go get it. Don't have money? Get to work. Someone won and you lost? Good. Remember that feeling. Now work harder at it and win the next time. This started from the time I was a toddler first learning to walk. Yes, I do remember things quite vividly from about the time I was 1 year old.

As a parent, myself, I took the best of my upbringing and tried to raise my children in that way. They too, are independent and successful in their careers and lives. I would like to think I had something to do with it. Having said that, I love my children in my own way, but I don't think I really bonded with them in ways that neurotypical parents might with their children. My role, for the most part, was that of teacher and mentor. There's still that "glass box" that I am in and my children primarily interact with my wife.

 

[Neri]

Update; The daughter who I thought was angry at me for being autistic? Isn't. We had a wonderful, 3 hour phone conversation yesterday. And we are good. We are very good, in fact. My daughter acknowledged that I am constantly working to improve myself, which is true. I have MANY deficits but perhaps that is being human and not, particularly, just an autistic thing, however, being the way I've been, struggling so much, socially and emotionally, has made me need to focus on figuring out why and looking around for ways to "human" that have become strengths and opportunities to deepen in compassion and wisdom, opportunities I might have missed otherwise.

I think, missing out on my parents being active in the social-emotional support department, because they didn't have enough know-how themselves, has made me work very hard to give my children what I didn't get, in that department.

I think failing in my first relationship has made me work very hard to figure out what makes for a good relationship, and that is a strength I offer my grown up children, as well.

I think, having such a terribly difficult time growing up, has made me a more empathetic parent to my children. So my parents, being extreme introverts themselves, can rest assured, that it might be taking me a long time to learn to "thrive" having all these developmental hurdles (like complex developmental post traumatic stress disorder, for one) added to the AuDHD mix, and the pressure of very young and very ongoing parenthood, but, would I have had the incentive to develop myself, the way I have, if things had been easier for me? Perhaps not.