Guilt and trauma

[andreaispunk]

So I just saw a tiktok and this person is talking about telling your therapist something clearly traumatic and being like "im not sure if that was abuse. tbf i was being rude , disrespectful, annoying, etc" and also the feeling of guilt for the way you acted.

And I remembered this time when my mom found out I had a crush on some dude, so she called me a sl*t (i was 10). I was crying in my room and she came and dragged me out of the house, 2am, and half naked left me alone in the garden. I started to knock on the door really loud, begging her to let me back in. So she grabs one of those glasses of soda you buy at the cinema, fills it up with cold water and he throws it on me, closes the door again and keeps ignoring me for at least half an hour.

BUT I STILL FEEL GUILTY FOR KNOCKING SO DAMN LOUD.

When I think of that moment, consciously i know it was wrong of her, but I can't get away from feeling i was being manipulative for crying so she would feel bad and let me in.

 

[AprilR]

What you endured was abuse. Plain and simple. I think any therapist would say the same.

But it is common for survivors to feel guilt i think.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow, that's sounds so incredibly horrible to go thru. As young tweens, we tend to think everything is our fault, and blame ourselves. Ten years old, that's so cute you had a crush. I think l had a huge crush on a quiet shy guy with brown eyes. I couldn't get up the nerve to talk to him.

Sorry you had that happen.

 

[The Pandector]

Sorry for your torment. My mother was an undiagnosed autistic person and would have fits of unreasoned cruelty. There’s simply no accounting for it.

Not to split hairs, but you Were being manipulative. A crying infant manipulates the parents into a diaper change. You were cold and wet and probably very confused; the reasonable thing to do was to cry out for help. Yes, you were attempting to manipulate your mother and it was the proper and natural thing to do in an improper and unnatural situation.

 

[Rodafina]

This is an upsetting memory to recall, and it does make sense why you feel the way that you explained. I think the important thing now, is to look back on this event as an adult and have compassion for whatever that child version of you was feeling.

If you heard someone else tell the story, what would you think of the child? If this wasn’t you, would you think that the child deserved nothing more than to be let back in the house, into her room, and allowed to feel safe and lovec?

The lens of adulthood can show us where the child version of ourselves did nothing wrong and that we may have misunderstood things at the time. It sounds like that child version of you was made to feel guilty for wanting love and safety, and I think as an adult, perhaps you can understand why and either forgive yourself or simply give yourself permission to have felt these things. It was not right for you to be treated in this way. Children should never be treated in this way.

 

[Luca]

This is a topic that, although I can fully relate to it, is still triggering for me and difficult to process. But I want you to know that I fully sympathize with you and I have gone through pretty much the same, and still feel “survivor’s guilt” as well.

I agree with Rodafina that children should absolutely never be treated this way. But it’s perfectly okay now, as an adult, to be kind and loving to your inner child. I’m just figuring that out myself. You are capable of giving yourself the care and attention and love that you didn’t get as a child.

Sometimes our families are some of the cruelest people in our lives, and unfortunately some of us have to grow up parenting ourselves. Feelings of guilt are normal, but it doesn’t mean they’re true. No one deserves abuse, and I’m glad you have found this forum because a lot of us are child abuse survivors, and can definitely relate and sympathize, and share advice and support.
I hope that we can support you on your healing journey and that you will learn that it’s really not your fault.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

We had a thread on a similar topic recently. I found this article that sort of sums things up here. You should feel some guilt for something you truly did wrong and were disciplined for. You should not feel guilty for the mental and physical abuse that you were subjected to. However, as with most things, there is a continuum between discipline and abuse, and it can get real nebulous when one becomes the other. Perhaps, this may help discerning between the two:
https://www.verywellfamily.com/when-does-discipline-become-child-abuse-1094826

 

[Kisa the tea]

That is absolutely abuse and you did nothing wrong. Nothing in this world justifies a parent throwing their child outside of the house at 2am. It's despicable.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this. I hope that you are able to keep your distance from her if you're not already.

You are a strong person and have nothing to feel guilty for in this situation.