Guilt

[The Phantom]

So, as some of you may know I'm going to be taking a test soon to see exactly what I have in terms of disorders and such.

I was really happy when I heard this, but now not so much.

My parents have been taking this very hard. When my mom got the call she didn't go to work, and today when she was saying I matched the signs of Aspergers, she started crying later on. My brother had no idea that I'm even seeing a counselor, and when I asked my mom what he would think if I got diagnosed with Aspergers, she said he would feel 'very sad' (because he would be worried about me). He just texted me today casually and I feel really bad because he has no idea, and apparently everyone in my family is thinking they did something wrong raising me, even though their better judgment says otherwise. Now I'm feeling guilty for even seeking out help in the first place, because I"m putting them through this stress. I feel the worst for my brother, because I've been giving him grief for saying certain things to me, but now if it turns out I have aspergers he's going to feel major guilt, and he's got issues of his own and i really don't want to add on to that. I also feel like now things are going to change between us, and I really don't want that to happen. I don't want him to view me as something to be handled lightly, I want our conversations to still be as casual as they were before.

Any advice? Thanks.

 

[gonzerd]

I'm a bit hard pressed for words right now, but I would like to say that you have nothing to feel guilty about here. Absolutely nothing. You're not responsible for how they react to your diagnosis, to who you are. Yes, it is quite common that family and friends suddenly show some increased sense of worry or even guilt. I'd say it shows they care, but you'll still be you, and they'll probably come to realize that too. People react differently to these kinds of things; probably best to be aware of that. Bottom line is: if you need help, you need help. And if you're finding it through getting a diagnosis, that's a good thing. Sooner or later they'll come to that conclusion too, hopefully (sadly, that's not always the case. I know that doesn't sound nice, but it is the way it is.) You can tell them there's no need to feel guilty about it though. It's not their fault, just as it's not your fault they might feel guilty. A lot of that guilt also stems from just not knowing what it's all about, what it all means or what it's origins are. I'm not a parent, but it seems to be a rather normal reaction for a parent to seek guilt withing him/herself upon hearing their youngling has some kind of 'disorder'. And perhaps especially so for Autism, as older generations might still link it to false beliefs like it was caused by bad mothering or so. Once they learn about it more, that can change quite rapidly. In the end, all they should do is support you...

Here are some earlier threads dealing with the subject.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/family-members-reactions-to-diagnosis.11918/

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threa...they-found-out-you-were-on-the-spectrum.2899/

 

[DC1346]

My parents have been taking this very hard. When my mom got the call she didn't go to work, and today when she was saying I matched the signs of Aspergers, she started crying later on. My brother had no idea that I'm even seeing a counselor, and when I asked my mom what he would think if I got diagnosed with Aspergers, she said he would feel 'very sad' (because he would be worried about me). He just texted me today casually and I feel really bad because he has no idea, and apparently everyone in my family is thinking they did something wrong raising me, even though their better judgment says otherwise. Now I'm feeling guilty for even seeking out help in the first place.

Good Heavens! NTs are simply too emotional. It's not as though you're dying or you're horribly contagious. It's not a question of nature vs. nurture ... yeah Mom ... I got Asperger's because when I was a kid, you never once let me stay up late to watch a full episode of Combat ... and you forced me to eat beets even though I told you that beets are the most disgusting vegetable in the world ... so yeah ... it's your fault ... (Heh-heh)

Autism is neurological ... and knowing what your problem is and what your symptoms are IS A GOOD THING because you'll be able to compensate for these problems by planning around them.

I didn't self diagnose until last year and didn't get a confirmation until last April. I'm 54 years old, so do the math ... I spent most of my life NOT KNOWING that I was autistic. And along the way I developed coping skills. The funny thing ... funny as in strange and not hah-hah is that for the longest time I thought EVERYONE had these problems. I thought everyone wore clothing that chafed their skin. I thought everyone had problems with making friends. I didn't realize I was different until I was older and I could observe how some kids were extremely social and well coordinated enough to play sports while I was not ... and I never knew why until last year.

You will have the benefit of a formal diagnosis and with that diagnosis, you'll be able to better figure out how you can best live your life ... maximizing your strengths and compensating for your weaknesses.

I think your diagnosis is a huge GIFT which your family should be thankful for. After all, isn't it better to know than to not know?

 

[Suzanne]

Phantom, I can really understand why you would feel guilty, because you love your family very much and by their reaction, it would make you feel that you are doing something wrong, but that is because they have very little understanding and believe that it is something rather dreadful to have. So what you can do is show your family what aspergers is and that it is not something to be ashamed of.

Unfortunately it is the world who makes having aspergers seem just awful, but that is because of preconceived ideas ie putting in a box and so, anyone outside of that box is frowned upon.

You are not wrong to want to seek guidance because you are the one who has to contend every day with being different.

My husband just said yesterday whilst we were out and there were three of us. Well the person took me literally ( according to my husband) and he came out with: perhaps she has aspergers too, since she took you literally and I just cried inside, for he has no idea and yet, has it at his fingertips to have ideas! As it happens she did not take me literally and because she is French she needed to confirm I had got something right!

It is very hard being an aspie in a world of NT's

 

[Sarsaparilla]

So, as some of you may know I'm going to be taking a test soon to see exactly what I have in terms of disorders and such.

I was really happy when I heard this, but now not so much.

My parents have been taking this very hard. When my mom got the call she didn't go to work, and today when she was saying I matched the signs of Aspergers, she started crying later on. My brother had no idea that I'm even seeing a counselor, and when I asked my mom what he would think if I got diagnosed with Aspergers, she said he would feel 'very sad' (because he would be worried about me). He just texted me today casually and I feel really bad because he has no idea, and apparently everyone in my family is thinking they did something wrong raising me, even though their better judgment says otherwise. Now I'm feeling guilty for even seeking out help in the first place, because I"m putting them through this stress. I feel the worst for my brother, because I've been giving him grief for saying certain things to me, but now if it turns out I have aspergers he's going to feel major guilt, and he's got issues of his own and i really don't want to add on to that. I also feel like now things are going to change between us, and I really don't want that to happen. I don't want him to view me as something to be handled lightly, I want our conversations to still be as casual as they were before.

Any advice? Thanks.

Give them time. They just need to come to terms with it. Eventually they'll come to realise you're still the same person as you always were, it's just you've now got an explanation for the things you found hard. It sounds like they don't really understand Aspergers if they think you've got it due to something they've done raising you, so perhaps encourage them to read some books on Aspergers like 'The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome' by Tony Attwood.

Don't feel bad about upsetting them and don't give up seeking help, you can't help their reaction. Your family does sound like they love you a lot, despite all their drama, and I think they will come to accept it. My mum took a while to accept my diagnosis, but she does now and I think it's now quite a relief for her. It explains things about me, and also means that my upbringing is not to blame for my depression and anxiety.

Good luck!

 

[Ylva]

They are just ableist. If you had been gay and they homophobic it would have been the same deal. Ask your brother what he thinks of Aspergers first. He may not have been influenced by your parents if they haven't talked to him about it.