Hanging out with more than one person at a time

[shinigami]

I've been wanting to ask fellow Aspies this question for a while. Does anyone else have a really hard time being around more than 1 person at a time? This is one of those weird things I have never been able to get over. These days, I do pretty well if I'm just with one friend or one person. I feel pretty at ease and can control myself very well. However, as soon as there are 2 or more people there I become withdrawn, uncomfortable, and have a very hard time using my "filters." I also feel left out even though I know that is very irrational most of the time. It really drives me nuts and I wish I didn't feel like this because it interferes with my family life and my work life. I have no social life so that's not really an issue except for when my husband drags me to his friend's house and there is a group of people there. I tend to be extremely blunt, and even more so when there is more than 1 person there. Apparently I have insulted or offended my husband's friends on numerous occassions. I'm ranting now but just wondering if anyone else is the same way or has any advice!

 

[Carl Carter]

Other than copious amounts of alcohol I know of no way around this problem. I met up with an ex-girlfriend last summer, which was fine until she dragged me to Wollaton park where a bunch of her friends met us. I really couldn't cope with that; kind of like you I felt left out/out of place and spent most of the time wandering around under the trees trying to stay out of everyone's way. I think one of the problems I find with this sort of situation is that when there are more than two people inevitably the conversation jumps about, often involving things you know nothing about; or worse, someone will ask your opinion on something you know nothing about or have no interest in. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

 

[Calvert]

I think one of the problems I find with this sort of situation is that when there are more than two people inevitably the conversation jumps about, often involving things you know nothing about; or worse, someone will ask your opinion on something you know nothing about or have no interest in. 

That's the problem I have. I find the conversations are usually about someone or something I know little about or can contribute too. Also, when in a group there's more people to cater for so I find I usually get left out if I don't speak up. When I'm with one or two people I can manage fine but anymore and it starts to become a challenge.

 

[Carl Carter]

Yeah, I used to get that on MSN as well; talking to one person then they'd invite a friend into the conversation and start talking about what they did last night or about people they know and I don't. I'd usually get annoyed and say something insulting

 

[shinigami]

Yes, that's a problem I have. Usually whatever these people are talking about is something I have absolutely no interest in at all. Like movies, TV, parties, drinking, relationship crap, fashion or other material objects. I cannot relate to things like this in any way whatsoever. People will ask me questions to which I reply by sitting there with a blank stare. Or I insult them, like you said.

 

[superboyian]

With me, I'm like that a little bit with people who I'm not really familar with and i tend to either not say too much and listen to what the others would say but normally I would be the really talkative one like the last there was a AS skype on here.

It would take me probably 10 mins at the most to get used to people. :lol:

Online, I don't have any issues with it as much, just a little, I used to be worse on there, it seems recently I've started to actually got used to the fact of talking to random people now.

 

[Carl Carter]

Or I insult them, like you said.

If in doubt, insult

 

[Quasar]

I do okay with a few people, so long as I'm not being given a thousand directions at once, etc... like casual convos are fine. I struggle with multiple people though; I find it hard to process(and remember) things when they are given to me in a hurry, or if several people give me different ones at once. This does make me seem forgetful at times, because I forget things(and instructions), but its really not fair. And yes, its also hard for me to participate in conversations when things I have no interest or knowledge in are discussed. Things like gossip bore me to death.

I'm better online, but I still have issues on forums, where if a lot of posts have been made, I find it very difficult to gather up my thoughts to make a post. I'm a nightmare on things like Skype, where live people are talking to you. I just can't keep up with the convo and end up drifting off and getting dropped from the call.

 

[shinigami]

Quasar, I know what you mean about being given directions and having a hard time processing all of that. It's a hindrance in the work environment for me. It's odd though, when I do get used to a person (for example, my husband) I talk his or her ear off. I have a coworker I've known for over 4 years and I'm just now getting used to him. This morning I kept rambling on to him about how microwaves work, then I realized the look he had on his face and I'm pretty sure I "weirded" him out.

Posting online is awkward at times but I think I am getting used to it. I don't think I insult people as much. ^_^

 

[Krazie243]

I seem to only have the ability to endure groups if the majority of people in the group are best friends of mine (not regular friends, best friends) Once too many people start showing up the inevitable 'useless' conversations begin and I totally lose interest. If I have a large quantity of best friends nearby, I can at least use the commonalities I have with them to keep the conversation 'intelligent'. Most of my closest friends are intellectual types like me so it helps.

 

[Cheka Man]

All those who I hang out with are online and I can chat to several on Yahoo Messenger at one time.And sometimes have to as I never go invisible on YM.

 

[Sofi]

I am exactly the same. I am quite good when I am talking to one person and if it is certain friends, they will allow me to go on and on about my topic. If there is 2 or more, I am left out immediately and I cannot talk to 2 or more and will usually wander away from the situation without realising.

 

[spastigirl]

Not as much as many Aspies, but I do typically prefer small groups.

What's visible with me is that I don't do well with 'loose' groups at all. Anything where you're meant to enter and leave conversations and there's background conversation really gets to me. Since this is the sort of thing neurotypicals tend to find relaxed and comfortable, my Inner Aspie tends to show.

When I was a child, I enjoyed board games because it gives the social situation a 'focus'. I'm also comfortable with evening classes, poetry readings and theatre because it's all front-focused without having to do so much work with my attention. I hated informal situations, and much preferred lessons to break at school. Where some of neurotypical kids' attention is 'sideways' on the other kids, I always assumed we were there to learn from the teacher, so my attention was always forward towards the teacher. No wonder I had no friends my own age, and often felt more comfortable talking to adults than other kids. I simply noticed more of what the teacher had to say than what the other kids had to say (especially since NT kids are fluent at using gaze, gesture, whispering and subtly-passed notes to 'fly under the radar' of the teacher's attention).

One thing I loved when I was at college was the science-fiction/fantasy group meetings, talking about books. These tended to use a soft toy or something as a Speaking Object (which you're meant to ask for and hold to avoid 'hogging' or crossed-over conversation). This seems really natural and comfortable to me, where a neurotypical might find it uncomfortable because it avoids the natural flow of conversation.

If I go to a social group/meeting I'm most comfortable with a group of people round the same table in a pub/restaurant rather than sitting around a room. I find it much easier to be with five or six people rather than ten or twenty people.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I don't like being around a lot of people, for the same reasons everyone else has said. I find their conversations very typical and boring, and I usually just sit there doing nothing while they talk and talk to each other, ignoring me. This is also why I hate going to parties. Even when I'm with two other people, they just talk to each other, or tell long stories that I really have no interest in.

 

[chinaberry]

I'll join in a couple of times, but most of the time, this is really pathetic, it takes me lots of silent pep talks and my heart's beating like a tom tom before I can say anything, and usually it comes out all mixed up and dries up midsentence. I don't know if I'm making the right expression or if it's what's done and said, and all those eyes on you, it's just awful!
When it's just one person it's better. But sometimes I still feel quite 'shy'. I panic and get blunt, like someone else said. People I haven't seen for a while are difficult too- like tomorrow I have to go back to my charity shop- and it's already hard thinking of things to say when we're pricing stuff in the back etc.
Children of foreign parents were invited recently in my city to take part in a sort of brainstorming session, topic was 'the environment'. My parents wanted me to go because 'it's good for you' and because you got paid £20. I went along and there were about seven other people there, all my age or thereabouts, I said maybe two words. I felt guilty for taking the money, but it really is scary! It's just so oppressive, knowing that you've got lots of things to say and then feeling like you just can't, it's too difficult, let's just give up, you'll write out all the stuff you have to say in a Word document afterwards. Gah!

BUT. Sometimes I do really really enjoy other people's company. Like I went to stay at my grandparents' house recently, and there were all my cousins and everyone around, and I hardly spent any time by myself. Stuff like playing sports and playing card games- it's difficult to think of things to say, like they'll go "score!" and stuff like that, humorously, but if you laugh a bit to respond it's okay and they don't expect you to banter as well, I don't think they make an effort to come up with short little things to say like that, it just pops out and so they don't expect you to make an effort either. Long conversations with strangers aren't for me, but active stuff is easier.
Dealing with bare words on the internet: much easier.