Interesting... It always organically happens for me. I never really approached women with romantic/sexual interest. When I was online at a "dating site", I would approach them by sending one e-mail that was polite but funny. If they did not answer, I don't care how intriguing they were, I would not send another (rule of turns). I had so many "girlfriends" when I did that
In real life, I don't have a fear of rejection... what I have a fear of is once I have a relationship or friendship with a woman, it lasts for a couple of months then goes sideways because I really don't know how to "not be myself". That hurts like hell.
I am an intense and deeply caring person. As a man, I am supposed to hide those things but I don't know how and honestly I really don't care anymore. I just want to be me.
I do have some internal rules that are more instinctual than thought out.
I can actually look women in the eyes... which I have found to be dangerous (they can get way too interested).
I recommend looking at the top of their nose when you approach if you have difficulty with eye contact. (don't look too long though... count to 3 then look away... then look again... DON'T look at their lips or cleavage (that sh*t is a train wreck! I hate cleavage, lol))
Practice keeping your posture straight and eyes forward.
Focus on your breath (the Swiss army knife of dealing with stress). Ask them about themselves... this is important! Don't waste energy on someone who is totally incompatible with you (in my case 99.99 percent of the population). Pay attention to your words... are you talking about your obsession? Think of your obsessions like underwear. They are something you would only let someone you know well see. You can say "I like X" but don't say things like "X was invented in 1842 by so and so" or "I have 5,439 of X at home".
In the odd case that they share your obsession and want to talk about it... don't correct them if they say something you consider wrong.
If you end up connecting:
Follow the rule of turns in talking, messaging, emailing and gifting. Try to keep it to 1:1 ratio (there are occasionally times where this is not needed). If they don't answer you or gift you back...
let go.
Every time you say goodbye,
let go until you have a stable relationship.
If they are ever mean to you... drop it...
let go
If the relationship is going south, feel free ask about what they are feeling. If they don't tell you, drop it and
let go.
Learn to
let go.
If they are non-verbal in communicating needs and boundaries, they need to do personal work before they are ready to have a healthy relationship with another person. Make sure you can do this or you are not ready to have a healthy relationship with.
Pay attention to your boundaries and communicate them gently if the other person crosses them. Remember
un-communicated boundaries are not boundaries! I recommend getting this part ready before you even start relating with people.
Be prepared to be hurt and learn to be ok with it. You are welcome to feel hurt and take every bit of time you need to heal but NEVER act on that hurt!
Let go instead.
Be gentle with yourself! Being perfect is not in the job description. All of us ASD folks tend to make mistakes that NT people... and other aspies won't understand.
I am not perfect at all of this (especially the obsession part)... it isn't in the job description
I will try to wrap words around some other things that generally happen automatically for me.
