Have I trained myself into stimming in different ways?

[AuroraBorealis]

This may sound weird, but I wonder whether I may have subconsciously trained myself to behave more autistically.

Since getting diagnosed (or diagnosing myself for good reasons), I stimmed a lot more than before. I was always a fidgeter for as long as I can remember, but I don't remember rocking with my upper body, or doing hand-flapping.

When I felt upset since being diagnosed, I sometimes consciously rocked with my upper body, just to see how it felt and whether it might be soothing (it was). Often it felt like I consciously started and then continued semi-automatically. With fidgeting, I would notice that my hands got restless and I played with my rings and other fingers, and I would take out a fidget toy. I have tried severl different fidget toys this way.

But, recently, I have caught myself rocking back and forth unconsciously in several situations. Mostly when I'm relaxed and doing something I enjoy, like reading or browsing on the computer, but also when I am tense or upset.

Yesterday I had quite a bad meltdown after a few very physically and socially demanding days, and shortly before, when it was still sort of building up, when my friend kept talking to me from the other room and I was overwhelmed, I caught myself flapping my hands without consciously starting it. I don't remember hand-flapping being "a thing" for me.
During the meltdown itself, while I fidgeted (consciously) and read a book (also calms me down during a meltdown), I caught myself rocking simultaneously. I also didn't start that consciously. The rocking was also sort of softer and slower than in the past.

It feels a bit confusing, to be honest. I have felt like a fraud often because I often stim consciously - it feels good and calming, but I start it consciously nevertheless. Just fidgeting is something I have always also started subconsciously. But never rocking or flapping. I unmasked continually in the past 9 months, so could it be related?

Can some of these things also start after realizing you're autistic? Can I just develop new ways to stim, like that? Or do you think I somehow trained myself into it? Can stimming also be conscious and on purpose, or is the very nature of autistic stimming that it's a subconscious, automatic response?

Thank you for your thoughts on this.

Edit: Sorry if this post is a bit confusing or messy. I just re-read it and feel like it might not be vey clear. If that's the case, please let me know. I am still somewhat blurry after those very demanding days, and my brain isn't back to normal yet.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think it's like an acknowledgement of your state and needs.

Recently I was doing something with my hands and I made a conscious decision to continue it so I just flapped my hands on my ribs for a while. My mother was being a verbal diarrhea drag and I was under extreme stress trying to cook, also physically sick and weakened. So when she got out of the kitchen with her bullying in echos I did that. I knew I was stressed and I wasn't gonna let myself not have a stim, I deserved it. I was proud of myself and felt calm and in control.

Given, I don't stim, I just don't. Especially not home. My stims are just mentally calming myself and sitting comfortably. Nothing out of the ordinary. I don't even fidget much unless there's something big coming up, an event or something.

 

[Jumpinbare]

This may sound weird, but I wonder whether I may have subconsciously trained myself to behave more autistically.

I consciously did the opposite. Initially, my brother made me stop my stims "because they were stupid". I learned to stim in ways no one could see or hear, so people wouldn't see/hear me being stupid. My main stim is visible most of the time, but didn't used to be when I was working. I scrunch my toes, sometimes one foot then the other, sometimes simultaneously. I never catch myself starting to do it, but I do notice after I have been doing it. When I worked, I wore steel toed safety shoes. No one could see my toes. Now that I am retired, I am almost always barefoot or wearing open toed sandals, so anyone looking at my feet will probably wonder what I am doing.

 

[Neri]

I consciously did the opposite. Initially, my brother made me stop my stims "because they were stupid". I learned to stim in ways no one could see or hear, so people wouldn't see/hear me being stupid. My main stim is visible most of the time, but didn't used to be when I was working. I scrunch my toes, sometimes one foot then the other, sometimes simultaneously. I never catch myself starting to do it, but I do notice after I have been doing it. When I worked, I wore steel toed safety shoes. No one could see my toes. Now that I am retired, I am almost always barefoot or wearing open toed sandals, so anyone looking at my feet will probably wonder what I am doing.

As I was reading this (and already, before I started), I was scrunching my left foot toes and scraping my forehead gently. Ahhhh stimming! So soothing! So comforting! So grounding!

 

[All-Rounder]

Doesn't it feel good when we stretch our body?

 

[Tired]

After I learned about what autism and stimming is, I understood, that I was sometimes stimming with my fingers as well, while all the time i was thinking that i was doing it, because i was bored. I talked to my therapist, and he said that while it's common in ND, NT people do it too sometimes for the same calming reasons.

 

[Outdated]

I consciously did the opposite. Initially, my brother made me stop my stims "because they were stupid".

I think this is probably true for me too, although not consciously on my part. My parents were quite up themselves and didn't want children that would embarrass them in public. From way too young to remember properly I have vague recollections of being told "Don't do that, people will think you're weird.".

A lot of this behaving to suit public perception stuck with me and I think it's partly responsible for my social success. I find the same things annoying as my parents did, and it forms part of my judgement of character and intent in conversations. While it might be different for people with autism it follows correctly as a general rule for the rest of the world.

If someone is fidgeting while talking to you it infers firstly that they're not really interested in the conversation. Alternately it can also be construed as nervousness by someone trying to practice deception.

Not looking people in the eye when talking to them has a similar effect but in reverse order. It is firstly seen as an attempt to hide the fact that they are telling lies, and secondarily that they're not interested in the conversation and wish they were elsewhere.

 

[Rodafina]

@AuroraBorealis
I suspect what you are experiencing could simply be a result of increased awareness and decreased suppression.

That may be simplifying things too much, but my thinking is that so often, stimming is unconscious, but through the process of learning about and accepting autism, it become more noticeable. It can still happen unconsciously, but we can recognize those behaviors now and we have a name for them - stimming.

Also, it seems very common for many of us to have surpressed or hidden our stims over time for myriad reasons. I think realization and acceptance that we are autistic can subconsciously break down our habit of surpressing natural stims. It is one part of taking off a life long mask.

 

[Aspychata]

l think l am always stimming. I am always fidgeting my entire life. l do realize it can irritate others so l do
try to be polite, at least l try. I had a guy friend, who told me to stop playing with my hair. He made me nervous as he is very critical. I didn't realize l was messing with my hair. l jump when very very happy. l rock whe l am in shutdown mode. l constantly fidget with seams on my pants, or l will click a pen just for the noise and finger action. My moods determine the stim. And yes, l believe your stims evolve and even change. Maybe the OP is more excepting of their dx, and now feel comfortable about stimming.

 

[thejuice]

I consciously did the opposite. Initially, my brother made me stop my stims "because they were stupid". I learned to stim in ways no one could see or hear, so people wouldn't see/hear me being stupid. My main stim is visible most of the time, but didn't used to be when I was working. I scrunch my toes, sometimes one foot then the other, sometimes simultaneously. I never catch myself starting to do it, but I do notice after I have been doing it. When I worked, I wore steel toed safety shoes. No one could see my toes. Now that I am retired, I am almost always barefoot or wearing open toed sandals, so anyone looking at my feet will probably wonder what I am doing.

My brother will tell me off for gently tapping my fingers in public, makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Unfortunately we shared rooms growing up and he used to shout at me "BREATHE" when I held my breath as a stim. Also I have a swallowing stim that would interrupt my breathing. "BREATHE PROPERLY " he would snarl. The more nervous he made me the more i did it! I still do it to this day when I'm anxious. It was remarkable what annoyed him. I hated him.

 

[Jumpinbare]

My brother will tell me off for gently tapping my fingers in public, makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Unfortunately we shared rooms growing up and he used to shout at me "BREATHE" when I held my breath as a stim. Also I have a swallowing stim that would interrupt my breathing. "BREATHE PROPERLY " he would snarl. The more nervous he made me the more i did it! I still do it to this day when I'm anxious. It was remarkable what annoyed him. I hated him.

Apparently older brothers of autistics are dedicated to the public service of rendering us less annoying.

 

[All-Rounder]

My brother will tell me off for gently tapping my fingers in public, makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Unfortunately we shared rooms growing up and he used to shout at me "BREATHE" when I held my breath as a stim. Also I have a swallowing stim that would interrupt my breathing. "BREATHE PROPERLY " he would snarl. The more nervous he made me the more i did it! I still do it to this day when I'm anxious. It was remarkable what annoyed him. I hated him.

My dad used to make me wear a gas mask as a little girl, and I was suffering. He said we're training in case something happens, he didn't care my brain was not getting oxygen. I told him we can just do it then because I already know how to do it. Eventually something happened to the mask as mom couldn't see the sight of that and would be a very angry woman that I would not like. Family can be so annoying.

 

[thejuice]

My dad used to make me wear a gas mask as a little girl, and I was suffering. He said we're training in case something happens, he didn't care my brain was not getting oxygen. I told him we can just do it then because I already know how to do it. Eventually something happened to the mask as mom couldn't see the sight of that and would be a very angry woman that I would not like. Family can be so annoying.

Not being able to breathe is awful feeling, I feel bad for those WW1 soldiers during gas attacks

My brother used to suffocate me deliberately which was nice..

 

[All-Rounder]

My biggest stims are with my hair I think, I do a lot of stuff with it, airing up my neck, lifting it, curling it, putting it on top of my head in public lol it must be kinda odd to bypassers