Having to Say Hello and Goodbye in Social Situations

[chincey_james]

Is anyone else bothered by the drawn-out process of saying "hello" and "goodbye" in social situations?

For example, having to do this at family gatherings.

To hug or not? To shake hands or not? Who to greet first? Who to say goodbye to first?

It's all too much. And you have to decide in a split second (assuming you bother with any of it).

I'm always so relieved when an arrival or departure is easy and not a big deal is made of it.

 

[Rodafina]

Oh heck yeah. My strategy is to always show up somewhere seeming a little busy (with things in my hands or with my dog).

Goodbyes are always swift and direct - I say in a loud voice “Okay goodbye!” and then I’m at the door before anyone could make it awkward for me.

Fortunately, for those people in my life that I care about, I have finally communicated to them that I won’t be hugging anyone except the children. They are now used to my quick goodbyes or me slipping out before things are over. They expect it and they accept it.

I have spent time worrying that this is rude to my family and conveys a message that I dislike them. Even though they don’t fully understand it, they are okay with me not hugging them or getting into drawn out courtesies between us. I’m much more comfortable saying I love you and walking away than offering hugs.

As far as larger gatherings than just my immediate family, I’ve stopped going to those entirely. I’ve gotten really good at writing a kind note that says I will not be there.

 

[LadyS]

Yep. All that. Always very awkward. I like it when it's short and sweet.

There's this cultural joke we have about Indians taking forever to say bye.. first we say bye in the sitting area...talk some more... say bye (for real).. walk over to the door to say bye.. talk some more (alot more)..say bye again.. someone else brings up another topic.. more talking.. then bye again.. step outside...comment on the weather or something.. sometimes walk them to their car.. oops another conversation.. and then bye for real. But we continue to wave bye until they drive off. This happens nearly every time.

 

[Misty Avich]

I usually know when someone looks like they want a hug whilst saying bye. I like hugging because it makes me feel like a sense of belonging.

 

[Rodafina]

taking forever to say bye.. first we say bye in the sitting area...talk some more... say bye (for real).. walk over to the door to say bye.. talk some more (alot more)..say bye again.. someone else brings up another topic.. more talking.. then bye again.. step outside...comment on the weather or something.. sometimes walk them to their car.. oops another conversation.. and then bye for real. But we continue to wave bye until they drive off. This happens nearly every time.

Ahhhh!! So awkward.

 

[tazz]

Yep. All that. Always very awkward. I like it when it's short and sweet.

There's this cultural joke we have about Indians taking forever to say bye.. first we say bye in the sitting area...talk some more... say bye (for real).. walk over to the door to say bye.. talk some more (alot more)..say bye again.. someone else brings up another topic.. more talking.. then bye again.. step outside...comment on the weather or something.. sometimes walk them to their car.. oops another conversation.. and then bye for real. But we continue to wave bye until they drive off. This happens nearly every time.

My family does this too. But I refuse to get caught up in it. When they say goodbye I just carry on doing whatever I'm doing for another 30 minutes while they get the fake goodbyes out the way, and then I get up to say goodbye when the actual real final goodbye is happening.

 

[tazz]

Is anyone else bothered by the drawn-out process of saying "hello" and "goodbye" in social situations?

For example, having to do this at family gatherings.

To hug or not? To shake hands or not? Who to greet first? Who to say goodbye to first?

It's all too much. And you have to decide in a split second (assuming you bother with any of it).

I'm always so relieved when an arrival or departure is easy and not a big deal is made of it.

Yes, I find it very uncomfortable. In some cultures where I've lived it's always a quick handshake and that's it - I can handle that. But when it's common to hug but not everyone hugs, or it's common to kiss but not everyone kisses and not everyone kisses the same way, that really twists my melon.

 

[chincey_james]

As far as larger gatherings than just my immediate family, I’ve stopped going to those entirely. I’ve gotten really good at writing a kind note that says I will not be there.

And here I thought I was unique in that. I haven't seen wider family in years. I just couldn't fake it through those gatherings anymore. I didn't know them well, and they didn't know me well. It was just fake conversations and endless reminiscing about the past.

There's this cultural joke we have about Indians taking forever to say bye.. first we say bye in the sitting area...talk some more... say bye (for real).. walk over to the door to say bye.. talk some more (alot more)..say bye again.. someone else brings up another topic.. more talking.. then bye again.. step outside...comment on the weather or something.. sometimes walk them to their car.. oops another conversation.. and then bye for real. But we continue to wave bye until they drive off. This happens nearly every time.

My partner does this when he is talking with his friends. He doesn't end conversations with the bluntness required to ensure they truly end. His goodbyes usually take four times to stick. I pointed that out to him, but he said he likes it that way, and his friends do too. Go figure.

Yes, I find it very uncomfortable. In some cultures where I've lived it's always a quick handshake and that's it - I can handle that. But when it's common to hug but not everyone hugs, or it's common to kiss but not everyone kisses and not everyone kisses the same way, that really twists my melon.

That would be very difficult to adapt to a culture where kissing as a greeting or farewell is common. Hugging is tricky enough!

 

[Tom]

I'm part Italian so hugs is easy. Hug everyone. Whether you know them or not. And expect to be kissed, even on the lips and have your cheeks stretched a few sizes.

 

[Misery]

And here I thought I was unique in that. I haven't seen wider family in years. I just couldn't fake it through those gatherings anymore. I didn't know them well, and they didn't know me well. It was just fake conversations and endless reminiscing about the past.

Yeah, I do the same thing.

I never liked family gatherings to begin with... I put up with Christmas gatherings as a kid because, you know, presents. But even those events, I didnt much like.

These days? At some point a few years ago, I just... stopped. It just suddenly all seemed so pointless. What was the purpose? To go there and pretend? When it comes to extended family, there are no connections there. And I'm tired of pretending there is. I dont know them. I never did. If I'm being honest, I cant even remember their names half the time.

So these days, I just dont bother with any of that nonsense. I dont see the point.

As it is, Christmas is coming, and I'll be pressured to go to some stupid family event or other by those who ARE close to me (aka, immediate family) but as always it wont do anything. I'm not sure why they even try to convince me to go, it aint gonna work.

There are a couple of exceptions though sort of, those being my grandmother, and my aunt, who both live close to here. I know them pretty well. But they are the exception rather than the rule.


And as for the whole "goodbye" thing, well... hah. I just wander off.

 

[Progster]

Yeah, totally. I get really impatient, and then have to try and mask my impatience. Or when I'm with someone else and they are taking forever to say goodbye.

 

[chincey_james]

As it is, Christmas is coming, and I'll be pressured to go to some stupid family event or other by those who ARE close to me (aka, immediate family) but as always it wont do anything. I'm not sure why they even try to convince me to go, it aint gonna work.

It's a relief to know that I'm not alone in facing down the Holiday Pressure. I can't stand holidays for exactly this reason. It must have been on my mind when I wrote my original post.

Yeah, totally. I get really impatient, and then have to try and mask my impatience. Or when I'm with someone else and they are taking forever to say goodbye.

Hiding the impatience. Yup. I do that too. The more tired I am, the more difficult it is.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Is anyone else bothered by the drawn-out process of saying "hello" and "goodbye" in social situations?

For example, having to do this at family gatherings.

To hug or not? To shake hands or not? Who to greet first? Who to say goodbye to first?

It's all too much. And you have to decide in a split second (assuming you bother with any of it).

I'm always so relieved when an arrival or departure is easy and not a big deal is made of it.

Yep! This is a minefield for me. I am horrible at small talk simply because I detest it.

My view of all of these cultural behaviors is that people are actually verifying that others are in their “tribe”. Small talk is a “carrier wave” for non-verbal communication. If I can’t read non-verbal communication then it is absolutely meaningless to me.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Yeah, I do the same thing.

I never liked family gatherings to begin with... I put up with Christmas gatherings as a kid because, you know, presents. But even those events, I didnt much like.

These days? At some point a few years ago, I just... stopped. It just suddenly all seemed so pointless. What was the purpose? To go there and pretend? When it comes to extended family, there are no connections there. And I'm tired of pretending there is. I dont know them. I never did. If I'm being honest, I cant even remember their names half the time.

So these days, I just dont bother with any of that nonsense. I dont see the point.

As it is, Christmas is coming, and I'll be pressured to go to some stupid family event or other by those who ARE close to me (aka, immediate family) but as always it wont do anything. I'm not sure why they even try to convince me to go, it aint gonna work.

There are a couple of exceptions though sort of, those being my grandmother, and my aunt, who both live close to here. I know them pretty well. But they are the exception rather than the rule.


And as for the whole "goodbye" thing, well... hah. I just wander off.

This is the reason I no longer celebrate holidays