Having trouble keeping myself from ruining a friendship

[Tdaley]

I have had this friends for about 6 months. First real friend in 10+ years besides my wife.

Anyway my issue (sulk) is communication. Often she doesnt get back to me for over 24 hours or asks a question I follow up straight away and then I can see she hasnt checked my reply for a day of two........ but we used to chat heaps.

I have directly asked her if there is a nissue or she wants some distance, but she replies no, not at all.

I had a meltdown the other day as she doesnt seem to have time to talk anymore and I miss her, She told me she'd get back to me then didnt..... I got crank and mentioned it and she said a friend came over to visit so she forgot.

That bugs the **** out of me...... and still 3 days later she hasnt replied to that topic. The only message was one saying hi and what doing...... to which I replied and she HASNT OPENED.

Now..... yes I know she is busy..... but I still get so frustrated about this.

I hate it. HAting myself quite a lot.

 

[Slithytoves]

Welcome to AC, Tom.

If I may ask, how did you first meet this person? It's not uncommon for friendships to start out hot and heavy, then relax a bit after a while. If she says it's not about you, I'd accept that for the time being and take a "wait and see" attitude.

Some hard truths: Sometimes we may need a friendship more than a particular friend does. Other lives may be fuller than ours, socially. And the big one: it's not all about us. I can totally relate to your frustration and confusion, having gone through similar situations myself. But then I step back and consider that new adult friendships aren't the same as the ones we made as kids. We are busier, more distracted and less likely to bond so deeply. It's just the way things are.

I would suggest that you try not to dwell too much on your friend's behavior. If she's busy but does eventually get around to communicating, too many questions about where she's at with your friendship could eventually put her off. It's hard, I know. But if you really enjoy her friendship, just take it as it comes for a while before worrying much about it. If you haven't done anything obvious that would make her want to back off, it's safe enough to assume that her lack of prompt response isn't an indication of any flaw or failing on your part.

 

[Beverly]

Slithytoves is right. Not everyone sees the need to communicate daily with even close friends and, some people see those that do need that as too demanding or smothering.

I don't have time to contact each of my friends daily. I'm doing good if I find time once a week for most of them. If one is struggling, then my focus is on that one until the problem is at least close to being resolved. If everything is going along well then, we may not communicate for a month. We all have families, careers, hobbies, recreational interests we pursue, etc...

Don't get too pushy or demanding and, accept that everything is fine, your friend is just busy and probably doesn't have a ton of time to communicate with any one person but, is touching base with everyone important a few times a month.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

People can not "make" friends. We accept friendships, and they change with time and circumstance. Like just about everything it is a case of evolution or devolution.
Friendships should never become a chore but occasionally require a bit understanding or effort, I think.
When it come to friends I am a bit out of my depth since I am socially inept.

 

[illud]

May be I'm judging for my own character, but I have the feeling many aspies prefer to communicate and make friends online.
With the many social media today we get used to a get a reply just a couple minutes after we send it.

It happened -and sometimes still happens- to me, the same that I've been on the other side, and I would not reply in days.
I always try to walk in the other's shoes to help me calm my anxiety.

Why I wouldn't reply in few minutes:
- I'm busy doing something else. (work, studies, family visits...). Normally I would had mentioned that to my friend.
- The subject is delicate for me or the reply was dense and I need to take some time to word my reply properly.
- I'm getting a bunch of replies all of a sudden with someone else and also need to get a reply.
- for some external reason (not because of our friendship) I'm having a meltdown and can't reply.

Why I would get anxious for a not inmediate reply:
- I think I'm annoying that person, or I feel that I've been too dense or touched a delicate subject for them.

Is a bit difficult to navigate in those waters. That's why I'm trying to make more friends around my common interests on different places.
But yes sometimes one fears the other will get tired and it feels so sad to feel them leaving slowly. :/

I had a very brief but quite intense friendship with someone recently, we talked a lot in a week, and then all of a sudden she wouldn't reply or contact me but still follows me on the social media. Feels weird. The first days it caused me a big meltdown. It's pretty hard for an aspie to make friends so when they suddenly leave it feels so sad.
That said I have other friends that we talk to from time to time, I know they are busy and normally would wait until they contact me, or reply to our last message, and which friendship means a lot to me.

 

[Slithytoves]

May be I'm judging for my own character, but I have the feeling many aspies prefer to communicate and make friends online.
With the many social media today we get used to a get a reply just a couple minutes after we send it.

I agree with both of these comments. All but one of my close friends were met online. Heck, I met my husband online. And I do think we can get both spoiled and easily confused by the wonders of instant communication. It's hard to imagine that the people we connect with virtually may have a life when they are unplugged, or that they have other unseen contacts that require attention and can take priority at a given time. Social media is actually weirdly isolating to our POV.

It happened -and sometimes still happens- to me, the same that I've been on the other side, and I would not reply in days. I always try to walk in the other's shoes to help me calm my anxiety.

Smart habit. And astute reflection in the list you wrote out. I agree it's hard to navigate, even when you're being rational, sometimes.

That's why I'm trying to make more friends around my common interests on different places. But yes sometimes one fears the other will get tired and it feels so sad to feel them leaving slowly.

Good practice on the first point, and on the second, definitely. You are not alone in this, by any means.

I had a very brief but quite intense friendship with someone recently, we talked a lot in a week, and then all of a sudden she wouldn't reply or contact me but still follows me on the social media. Feels weird. The first days it caused me a big meltdown. It's pretty hard for an aspie to make friends so when they suddenly leave it feels so sad.

It does feel sad. And it's hard not to blame an inexplicable sea change on ourselves. So many of us don't have reliable groups of friends and loved ones, and we feel needy for wanting what others have, in part because it is in fact harder for us to connect so we think about lack a lot.

About the fleeting friend: Have you found this pattern happens to you often? I am absolutely not saying it's anything you're doing, but it might be useful to review the black-and-white documentation you have of those situations and look for any indications of where the communication may have peaked and perhaps started to slip, and why that might have been. You may not find anything interesting, but you might learn something revelational.

That said I have other friends that we talk to from time to time, I know they are busy and normally would wait until they contact me, or reply to our last message, and which friendship means a lot to me.

So is it the newer relationships that tend to give you the most stress?