He has Asperger's Syndrome. She has Social Anxiety Disorder.

[MiddledGirl]

Hi! Hope everyone is doing well and I apologize in-advance for the following rant...

So, I went on a few dates with this guy (first dating experience for both of us), who was just as shy and awkward as me. Overall, it went pretty well even though nothing ever progressed. I blamed myself because of that; because of my Social Anxiety Disorder and how extremely nervous I felt when I was around him. I felt that I had messed it up and I regretted that nothing more had come of it. Recently, I wrote him a letter, explaining this and confessing that I have SAD. Three weeks later, he wrote me back, telling me that he has Asperger's Syndrome—which was both a shock and a relieve because after *3 weeks* and no response I just KNEW he thought I was nuts—and he apologized, explaining that he has trouble responding “quickly or in the right way”. My letter also expressed my feelings for him and an openness for a relationship. He responded that, because of his new job and his strides to better himself, he's not looking for any type of relationship at the moment. However, he said that he saw no reason why we couldn't remain friends, but understood that it might be awkward for me. Before he contacted me, I had already begun to cut the ties because I took his lack of response as a total rejection. I mean, it's hard to get over someone when you're *friends* with them. At the same time, I know what it's like to lose friends because of a Disorder and I don't want to be one of those people. So, I'm afraid that by choosing to be his friend, after already having started the un-friending process, he will think that I'm only doing it out of pity or something. Do you think he might? Or, is this just my Social Anxiety causing me to assume the worst? In truth, even before I knew he had Asperger's, I recognized something in him that I just totally got! It was a mutual “social awkwardness”, I guess, but I just feel that we have understanding on our side. Part of me hopes that (when/if he's not so preoccupied) we could have another chance, but another part of me isn't even sure I can even pull-off being his friend. I wanna blame the deficits and tell myself that—between my SAD and his AS—any type of relationship is impossible. Yet, at the same time, I care too much about him to walk away. I guess I'm here in search of some outside wisdom. With circumstances like these, how can our friendship be anything more than a number on Facebook?

 

[Ereth]

Honestly, your friendship is only going to be "a number on Facebook" if you let it. I believe you're perfectly capable of remaining his friend. You just have to give yourself that chance. And nobody but he can tell you if his contact is out of pity. (It sounds to me like your anxiety might be leading you to jump to that conclusion.)

I know what it's like to be afraid of what people think. You're welcome to talk to us here about any questions you might have.

 

[Warwick C]

Middle girl I would give him another chance, because he did get back to you. It will not be easy. It might be a case he find putting thoughts into words. I think if you both make an effort to meet half way at this stage it might work out for you.

you both have issues with meeting people it might loosen up as well as you get to know each other a bit better, as Ereth says.

 

[Turk]

Hi Middle girl,
This is a great opportunity at friendship, and possibly more. If he is starting a new job, he's probably dealing with Anxiety as well. All he has said was he wasnt ready for a relationship, YET. Dont let your anxiety deny you a friend, at the very least. Don't go into this with the expections of a relationship but see it as a chance to exercise your own demons. If you guys have a connection, as you say, it will come full circle. Let him get comfortable, and who knows. The sky's the limit.

 

[wyverary]

From what little information I have, even despite the belated response, he sounds like a sweetie.

It's up to you as to whether or not you think you can "be friends" without it being complicated by your feelings. There's only one way to know, which is to give it a try.

If you ever feel the need to talk this through more thoroughly, or as things progress (or not), we on the forum are here to help give you an outsider's--and "Aspie Insider's"--perspective.

wyv

 

[MiddledGirl]

From what little information I have, even despite the belated response, he sounds like a sweetie.

Yes, wyv, he is the sweetest guy I've ever met!

Thank you all for your replies. Y'all have given me some sound advice. I know it's all a matter of getting past my own hangups, but it's like a struggle within a struggle!! Ya know? Also, he and I both SUCK at making conversation and small talk—which is kind of a first step to friendship, no? Does anyone have a good resource for something like that?

At this point, I just have no clue how to start communicating with him again. I need a good ice breaker, or something.

Anyway, thanks again!!

 

[Judge]

Does anyone have a good resource for something like that?

Perhaps the reality is that you and he are both your best "resource" together rather than apart. That while you have to endure traits that make mutual socialization so difficult, it is something you both can solidly relate to and understand. And possibly overcome- together.

At this point in my life I'd much rather have a shot at a relationship with an Aspie than another Neurotypical. To share- and understand life's daily highs and lows in a way others wouldn't likely relate to. Does that make any sense?

 

[Turk]

Knowing what to do is never easy. The tone of your text suggests that you really like this guy. As far as an icebreaker goes, as close to the truth, as you can get is always a good start. Something along the lines of " Ive had a hard time overcoming my anxiety, to have this conversation. I really enjoy your company and feel relaxed around you and feel that if anyone gets me, you do. I dont wish to put any pressure on you, but id really like it if we could be friends. Maybe do it the same way u did before, in a letter perhaps. It will also give him time to process it. Having said this, if you put to much expection in him being more than a friend, and you dont think you could live with that if things didn't move in the direction you want, then you have to weigh it up. Try and make this decision about what you want rather than letting your anxiety have its say

 

[MiddledGirl]

Perhaps the reality is that you and he are both your best "resource" together rather than apart. That while you have to endure traits that make mutual socialization so difficult, it is something you both can solidly relate to and understand. And possibly overcome- together.

Yes, it makes perfect sense, and it's a beautiful sentiment. It would be wonderful if it could workout like that. Thanks, Judge!

Having said this, if you put to much expection in him being more than a friend, and you dont think you could live with that if things didn't move in the direction you want, then you have to weigh it up.

That sounds good, especially the part about not wishing "to put any pressure" on him. No worries, Turk. I have never been anything *more* than a friend to anyone. I'm half terrified of it. So, I could no more pressure him, than I could pressure myself.

Thanks guys! Your input's great!

 

[Ereth]

You're very welcome! Always happy to help.

 

[Warwick C]

If you are honest to him about how you felt he will appreciate that as much as having another chance. Aspies like know why and honesty.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Yes, wyv, he is the sweetest guy I've ever met!

Thank you all for your replies. Y'all have given me some sound advice. I know it's all a matter of getting past my own hangups, but it's like a struggle within a struggle!! Ya know? Also, he and I both SUCK at making conversation and small talk—which is kind of a first step to friendship, no? Does anyone have a good resource for something like that?

At this point, I just have no clue how to start communicating with him again. I need a good ice breaker, or something.

Anyway, thanks again!!

Me and my best friend also both are horrible at conversation and small talk.
Eventually, I learned how to talk to him, just by trying over and over again. He still hasn't learned to talk much, but he's a good listener.

 

[Warwick C]

That some that gets forgotten at time we also need good listeners as well as speakers. A listener will get all the facts before making a comment.