Imeguras
Well-Known Member
Hi?
Joined these forums cause im a bit lost in life, recently ive been diagnosed(still not completely official, i think but got medication for autistic irritability/schizo/bipolar) with aspergers (and my therapist also thinks i might have a mood disorder/mania/schizoaffective)
Im not a native so bear with me, im still a bit in the weird limbo of denial and acceptance, since even thought most unusual traits line up, the more common ones dont? For example i always had curiosity in facts passing most of the time with my dad asking him things, only liking pokemon emerald(No i dont like any other pokemon game without being that or Ruby), when i was about 4-6 watching a very weird little kids cartoon that no one saw(i cant even find it on the web, i dont know how to speak german), starting learning to code alone Java by age 11-13(i dont remember since it wasnt from a day to another one), but unlike the diagnostic i always laught and giggle when im with friends(i guess its a coping mechanism to make them feel comfy since when i was very young i didnt and didnt have any friends?) although a friend(which i kinda grew to hate and cant see her more else ill probably explode), i can easily develop friendships although not deep ones(those i basically take forever and will make you uncomfortable by asking every inch of detail about your upbringing)
These are just a few of conveying and diverging points
Almost 6 months ago i started feeling really bored and it reminded me of a feeling i had when i was 6, i feel almost bored of everything, when i sum up a week i just say that the feelings round up to a meh, add in prescribed "amphetamines" and basically ending highschool(which i hate school, i only have negative thoughts about it) the weeks just felt blander and even more boring(even thought a lot of events happened)
Then i started feeling really unstable, not wanting to talk to my friends randomly(sometimes for weeks), rarely feeling a bit of hate for everyone around me, initially i just knew it was a feeling and it would blow away like most feelings i have
But it didn't in fact it just grew worse by the day, i started to create controversial stories on anonymous forums just to not feel bored for a few hours, being somewhat aggressive towards people online
Then i did what i normally do when some feeling starts appearing and it wont go away, stand next to my friends and hopefully get distracted by them until it disappears
Again it didn't work and worse my friends made me feel even more unstable, to the point of shouting to parents about nothing, reacting to certain people in a weird way(like presenting myself as annoyed when i should be happy) and since the group got bigger and the other people weren't mentally stable it caught me on fire
Lets just say ive been doing immoral things and got prescribed with anti psychotics to hopefully fix it
I didn't want to believe my therapist, basically acting aggressive and impulsive in the following hours, then laughing and giggling uncontrollably(I do it strangely when I feel nervous about the state of my future physical condition) and in the next hour or two I started crying over nothing and then a short trail of depression appeared out of nowhere, I started laughing while crying(don't ask me why my brain just thought it was a accurate way of displaying what I felt)
And now I am here to ask two things:
how to pay attention without medication(i rarely can do anything productive even in the things I like)
And do I really have aspergers(I dont feel ultra intelligent(in fact im horrible in the school grades), I just feel weird) and if I do does it mean I don't have adhd?
I'm 18 and here are Other things I think I like that come to my head:
CK2(recent): I only play Portugal
Hoi4: I only play Germany, Portugal and maybe japan(and will go with the same strategy hoping the rng favours me)
Coding: I code in C#, C++, C, Java, Lua, Assembly x64 Mips
although I know python, javascript, html, php, sql, etc... i dont like it and consider it a slightly enjoyable chore
I hate python to my gut I cant comprehend why so many people like it
Electronics: I like to create random projects although I don't have time or money to complete them
Pokemon Emerald(I already completed this game like 20 times in the same way with only slight variations to the team)
Empire of Earth(It must have AOC dlc or ill be very disappointed)
Skateboarding(although it's new I normally just ride around the same old street)
Reading books about philosophy(although I can only do it in certain library's else I'll lose my focus)
I like history but only in a broad sense(like knowing some specific fact about a war specially involving my country)
Walking on the edge of the side walk: yes I'm that suicidal
Finding the fastest path to my home from the city(people still look at me weirdly when i don't take the bus and decide to waste 1 hour trying to find a fast and confy path to home(I don't change it too much but gradually find new little shortcuts))
Doing egregious image editing on my laptop with gimp: the one on my pfp is the most simple and least egregious of them(basically it's the only sfw)
Joined these forums cause im a bit lost in life, recently ive been diagnosed(still not completely official, i think but got medication for autistic irritability/schizo/bipolar) with aspergers (and my therapist also thinks i might have a mood disorder/mania/schizoaffective)
Im not a native so bear with me, im still a bit in the weird limbo of denial and acceptance, since even thought most unusual traits line up, the more common ones dont? For example i always had curiosity in facts passing most of the time with my dad asking him things, only liking pokemon emerald(No i dont like any other pokemon game without being that or Ruby), when i was about 4-6 watching a very weird little kids cartoon that no one saw(i cant even find it on the web, i dont know how to speak german), starting learning to code alone Java by age 11-13(i dont remember since it wasnt from a day to another one), but unlike the diagnostic i always laught and giggle when im with friends(i guess its a coping mechanism to make them feel comfy since when i was very young i didnt and didnt have any friends?) although a friend(which i kinda grew to hate and cant see her more else ill probably explode), i can easily develop friendships although not deep ones(those i basically take forever and will make you uncomfortable by asking every inch of detail about your upbringing)
These are just a few of conveying and diverging points
Almost 6 months ago i started feeling really bored and it reminded me of a feeling i had when i was 6, i feel almost bored of everything, when i sum up a week i just say that the feelings round up to a meh, add in prescribed "amphetamines" and basically ending highschool(which i hate school, i only have negative thoughts about it) the weeks just felt blander and even more boring(even thought a lot of events happened)
Then i started feeling really unstable, not wanting to talk to my friends randomly(sometimes for weeks), rarely feeling a bit of hate for everyone around me, initially i just knew it was a feeling and it would blow away like most feelings i have
But it didn't in fact it just grew worse by the day, i started to create controversial stories on anonymous forums just to not feel bored for a few hours, being somewhat aggressive towards people online
Then i did what i normally do when some feeling starts appearing and it wont go away, stand next to my friends and hopefully get distracted by them until it disappears
Again it didn't work and worse my friends made me feel even more unstable, to the point of shouting to parents about nothing, reacting to certain people in a weird way(like presenting myself as annoyed when i should be happy) and since the group got bigger and the other people weren't mentally stable it caught me on fire
Lets just say ive been doing immoral things and got prescribed with anti psychotics to hopefully fix it
I didn't want to believe my therapist, basically acting aggressive and impulsive in the following hours, then laughing and giggling uncontrollably(I do it strangely when I feel nervous about the state of my future physical condition) and in the next hour or two I started crying over nothing and then a short trail of depression appeared out of nowhere, I started laughing while crying(don't ask me why my brain just thought it was a accurate way of displaying what I felt)
And now I am here to ask two things:
how to pay attention without medication(i rarely can do anything productive even in the things I like)
And do I really have aspergers(I dont feel ultra intelligent(in fact im horrible in the school grades), I just feel weird) and if I do does it mean I don't have adhd?
I'm 18 and here are Other things I think I like that come to my head:
CK2(recent): I only play Portugal
Hoi4: I only play Germany, Portugal and maybe japan(and will go with the same strategy hoping the rng favours me)
Coding: I code in C#, C++, C, Java, Lua, Assembly x64 Mips
although I know python, javascript, html, php, sql, etc... i dont like it and consider it a slightly enjoyable chore
I hate python to my gut I cant comprehend why so many people like it
Electronics: I like to create random projects although I don't have time or money to complete them
Pokemon Emerald(I already completed this game like 20 times in the same way with only slight variations to the team)
Empire of Earth(It must have AOC dlc or ill be very disappointed)
Skateboarding(although it's new I normally just ride around the same old street)
Reading books about philosophy(although I can only do it in certain library's else I'll lose my focus)
I like history but only in a broad sense(like knowing some specific fact about a war specially involving my country)
Walking on the edge of the side walk: yes I'm that suicidal
Finding the fastest path to my home from the city(people still look at me weirdly when i don't take the bus and decide to waste 1 hour trying to find a fast and confy path to home(I don't change it too much but gradually find new little shortcuts))
Doing egregious image editing on my laptop with gimp: the one on my pfp is the most simple and least egregious of them(basically it's the only sfw)
