JCPHN
Well-Known Member
Hi people!
My name's Josh, I'm 24, I live in the southwestern United States, and I am self-diagnosed with Asperger's. At first I was really apprehensive about posting on this forum, because I felt like a 'poseur' without an official diagnosis, but after speaking with a local professional who deals primarily with Aspies, I realized that was a valid point of view because my therapists have all suggested it! Haha. Can anyone relate to that sort of anxiety?
Anyway, please bear with me, as this is sort of a long introduction. I don't socialize very much, whether you're talking about going out, using the internet, or just spending time with friends. I have been very solitary, introverted, and very eccentric since early childhood. I had a pretty rough upbringing, rife with abuse and tons of criminal activities, so to make a long story short, I also have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. So needless to say, this is a big step forward for me, and something of an attempt to be less at-odds with the world and at war with myself.
I ran away from home at 17 after not being able to withstand any more of my Dad's criminal lifestyle (Mom wasn't in the picture to do anything, even if she would have cared). Around that time I met the love of my life, and quickly formed a serious relationship with her, as she was the only person I'd ever met who was anywhere near able to understand much less put up with my psychological disposition and behavior patters. Before we met, I didn't understand the extent to which I didn't fit in, and tried to suppress myself with alcohol and drugs. Through being with her, I was able to become somewhat comfortable with myself and the differences between me and everybody else. She has her own diagnosed atypicalities but they are very different from mine, so it was very much a double-edged sword, because eventually, the social needs we both had differed very much, and ultimately led to us divorcing about two years ago. I think I have dealt with this as best a person can, because it does make me feel very bad at times, but I try hard not to hold a grudge against her (like I do with everyone else who has ever slighted me...I'm working on it). The part of that situation that is hard for me is not the abandonment factor, because I always feel either alone or lonely in some capacity, but the fact that it seems like the last romantic relationship that I will ever be in. Despite my efforts at toning down some of my harsher characteristics, I just feel like I am not going to meet 'that person' ever again. Do any other people here have that issue also?
In addition to things like that, I'm just an atypical person in general. I'm sure that my brain has much to do with it, but I tend to gravitate toward stranger, darker interests and subject matter. I am an avid true crime reader, and often supplement the material with actual forensics textbooks of various kinds. My main creative interest is music, and my life is basically devoted to it. I make experimental/avant-garde/non-music type stuff and self-release it in order to trade and sell worldwide. I have been the world's biggest fan of Lou Reed since I was 12 and I still listen to his music every day. His style is like an old friend talking straight to you, and that aspect has been a big emotional support for me, not having a family and very few friends. I am obsessed with conspiracy theories, alternative history viewpoints, paranormal phenomena, and spiritual/religious matters. I often accidentally stay up all night reading about these subjects on a work night and show up the following day looking like I'm hung over, even though I don't really drink. Occasionally I smoke marijuana but I don't want to get to the point of self-medication because I've already been there, and it doesn't work for me. I can say the same for psychiatric medications.
As far as the outer world, which is never as satisfying as my inner experience, I do enjoy some things. I have a job I don't hate and I work full-time, so I feel somewhat useful and I can at least survive. I have a Great Dane whom I love more than anything in the entire universe (that's him in the picture!) and I spend a lot of time taking him on walks and cuddling on the couch watching The Simpsons.
Like I assume many of you probably do, I often find myself totally alienated from the "normal" world and way of doing things. Sometimes I get in a bad mood, and feel really resentful of neurotypicals and their lifestyles. I try not to feel like that, because I know it's unfair and reactionary, but I definitely need some balance to 'tip the scales,' so to speak. I guess what I'm saying is I think if I talked to more people I had things in common with, I wouldn't have such a tendency to get angry about the differences between me and the rest of the world. Are there any people out there who are as socially isolated as I am and are also Aspie?
I am here in hopes of meeting some other neurodiverse people who share some of my interests. All of my friends and loved ones (of which there are very few) are neurotypical people, who don't really have the patience for me very often, so this is something of a social outlet for me. I am a happy guy, but so very lonely! I'd love to meet any of you who think we have things in common.
I'd love to talk to anyone who wants to share stories, commiserate, be positive, chat about common interestes/hobbies, or whatever is relevant.
Looking forward to hearing from some of you,
JCP
P.S.- I hate my birth name! I prefer people calling me J or JCP, or Peterson, whichever suits you.
My name's Josh, I'm 24, I live in the southwestern United States, and I am self-diagnosed with Asperger's. At first I was really apprehensive about posting on this forum, because I felt like a 'poseur' without an official diagnosis, but after speaking with a local professional who deals primarily with Aspies, I realized that was a valid point of view because my therapists have all suggested it! Haha. Can anyone relate to that sort of anxiety?
Anyway, please bear with me, as this is sort of a long introduction. I don't socialize very much, whether you're talking about going out, using the internet, or just spending time with friends. I have been very solitary, introverted, and very eccentric since early childhood. I had a pretty rough upbringing, rife with abuse and tons of criminal activities, so to make a long story short, I also have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. So needless to say, this is a big step forward for me, and something of an attempt to be less at-odds with the world and at war with myself.
I ran away from home at 17 after not being able to withstand any more of my Dad's criminal lifestyle (Mom wasn't in the picture to do anything, even if she would have cared). Around that time I met the love of my life, and quickly formed a serious relationship with her, as she was the only person I'd ever met who was anywhere near able to understand much less put up with my psychological disposition and behavior patters. Before we met, I didn't understand the extent to which I didn't fit in, and tried to suppress myself with alcohol and drugs. Through being with her, I was able to become somewhat comfortable with myself and the differences between me and everybody else. She has her own diagnosed atypicalities but they are very different from mine, so it was very much a double-edged sword, because eventually, the social needs we both had differed very much, and ultimately led to us divorcing about two years ago. I think I have dealt with this as best a person can, because it does make me feel very bad at times, but I try hard not to hold a grudge against her (like I do with everyone else who has ever slighted me...I'm working on it). The part of that situation that is hard for me is not the abandonment factor, because I always feel either alone or lonely in some capacity, but the fact that it seems like the last romantic relationship that I will ever be in. Despite my efforts at toning down some of my harsher characteristics, I just feel like I am not going to meet 'that person' ever again. Do any other people here have that issue also?
In addition to things like that, I'm just an atypical person in general. I'm sure that my brain has much to do with it, but I tend to gravitate toward stranger, darker interests and subject matter. I am an avid true crime reader, and often supplement the material with actual forensics textbooks of various kinds. My main creative interest is music, and my life is basically devoted to it. I make experimental/avant-garde/non-music type stuff and self-release it in order to trade and sell worldwide. I have been the world's biggest fan of Lou Reed since I was 12 and I still listen to his music every day. His style is like an old friend talking straight to you, and that aspect has been a big emotional support for me, not having a family and very few friends. I am obsessed with conspiracy theories, alternative history viewpoints, paranormal phenomena, and spiritual/religious matters. I often accidentally stay up all night reading about these subjects on a work night and show up the following day looking like I'm hung over, even though I don't really drink. Occasionally I smoke marijuana but I don't want to get to the point of self-medication because I've already been there, and it doesn't work for me. I can say the same for psychiatric medications.
As far as the outer world, which is never as satisfying as my inner experience, I do enjoy some things. I have a job I don't hate and I work full-time, so I feel somewhat useful and I can at least survive. I have a Great Dane whom I love more than anything in the entire universe (that's him in the picture!) and I spend a lot of time taking him on walks and cuddling on the couch watching The Simpsons.
Like I assume many of you probably do, I often find myself totally alienated from the "normal" world and way of doing things. Sometimes I get in a bad mood, and feel really resentful of neurotypicals and their lifestyles. I try not to feel like that, because I know it's unfair and reactionary, but I definitely need some balance to 'tip the scales,' so to speak. I guess what I'm saying is I think if I talked to more people I had things in common with, I wouldn't have such a tendency to get angry about the differences between me and the rest of the world. Are there any people out there who are as socially isolated as I am and are also Aspie?
I am here in hopes of meeting some other neurodiverse people who share some of my interests. All of my friends and loved ones (of which there are very few) are neurotypical people, who don't really have the patience for me very often, so this is something of a social outlet for me. I am a happy guy, but so very lonely! I'd love to meet any of you who think we have things in common.
I'd love to talk to anyone who wants to share stories, commiserate, be positive, chat about common interestes/hobbies, or whatever is relevant.
Looking forward to hearing from some of you,
JCP
P.S.- I hate my birth name! I prefer people calling me J or JCP, or Peterson, whichever suits you.
. I self diagnosed, then got an official diagnosis. Please feel comfortable here, and this community is full of diverse members.
