Hello everyone

[Shalott]

Hello,
I'm so happy I came across this community.
I'll try to explain my situation as briefly as possible.
Some months ago I met a guy. We soonly connect in such ways as I've never done before with anyone (and he's also said so). Despite this fact, there had been some difficulties along the way and I've sometimes found it hard to understand his attitude towards me. A couple of days ago he's told me he suffers from Asperger's syndrome (a gesture I truly appreciate). I felt a kind of "relief" because it was as if all of the previous difficulties with him had some base and explanation, and it helped me also understand certain attitudes. Since I've been told about this, I've been doing some research about the issue because I'm determined to make our relationship work.
I have to confess it's not the first time I search about the topic: I have a 2-year-old brother who seems to have some sort of autism (we are taking him to specialised places but they still don't know what it may be). The possibility of my brother being autistic has also make me reconsider once more about me having something similiar. Since I was a child I've been told I have a "difficult personality" (and not only relatives have told me so). Besides, some characteristics of my personality have always complicated my way of mingling with people. I've never been diagnosed, though.
Anyway, I'm here looking for information and I'm quite sure this forum will be of great help (I've seen many of you have been diagnosed and that will help me to contemplate the issue from other perspectives). I really hope I can contribute and if any problem, I'll be willing to help
Greetings!

 

[Harrison]

Hi, welcome to AC.

We have a great resource section that provides information on relationships and what you might expect in an NT/AS or AS/AS partnership. There are also a number of folk here who will be willing to share their experience with you.

Enjoy your stay.

 

[Shalott]

Thank you very much!
I'm already seeing very interesting things.

 

[Tom]

It is very common to misread an autistic's behavior in a more negative light then what is trully going on. Its good not to jump to conclusions and to delay responses until you get a firm understanding of a specific action or trait. Autistics can have just as many flaws as anyone else, but their are some normal and benign traits in autistics that mimic something negative, but in fact are not. For example: the need for an unusually large ammount of solitary time is common with Aspies. Its how they maintain mental balance, or detox from stress, or other similar things. It does not necessarily mean they are avoiding someone.

If you have it in your family no effort spent on understanding will be wasted. There is a known hereditary component and I think a small but significant increase in the chances of having ASD if a sibling does, so its smart to evaluate it. It can also be other things, as certain symtoms are shared.

Oh yeah, forgot the welcome part!

 

[Shalott]

Thank you for your reply Tom, I really appreaciate it
I've been able to understand Aspies or atistics don't do things meaning to be rude or to hurt you. In my case the problem came from not knowing the other person's condition, I misunderstood certain attitudes that in other person would mean different things (I don't know if I'm making myself clear). Like for instance, what you said about them needing to be alone: as I didn't know he was an Aspie, after some days of not sending me messages or wanting to know about me, my first thought was that "he had lost his interest in me". When it wasn't as simple as that.

I had taken some tests but as a way of self-diagnosis, I just took one from a psichologist when going through a deppression period and because of that I don't know to which extend the results can be reliable.

Anyway, I'm curious as a cat so I tend to take advantage of any chance I have to learn new things. And if it affects me directly, I'll definitely try to make the most of it.

 

[Tom]

Anyway, I'm curious as a cat so I tend to take advantage of any chance I have to learn new things. And if it affects me directly, I'll definitely try to make the most of it.

Good proactive philosophy.

Btw, as I am inquisitive on details, I noticed your choice of name 'Shalott'. Is it an allusion to the poem and is your bf named Lance by any chance?

 

[Shalott]

Hahaha. Almost! He also shares an interest in poetry but he's not named Lance. I chose it rather because of the painting more than the poem (the one by John William Waterhouse). But I really love both.
Such an honour you perceived the detail!

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC, Shalott.

I just posted this in another thread, but it's a simple, yet critical issue for anyone in a relationship with an Aspie that just can't be said enough:

Knowledge is power. To be self-aware of not only one's own neurology, but that of another gives you the opportunity to work out such differences. To know that in most cases if he distances you from time to time, not to take it personally. You aren't likely "losing him". He's simply "recharging his batteries" socially. IT'S WHAT WE DO.

You don't have to understand or even relate to it. But to make such a relationship thrive, you just have to accept it for what it is. That it's more likely to keep you together than pull you apart.

 

[Shalott]

Thank you Judge!
I really liked the batteries' metaphor, I'll make sure to keep it in mind. In fact, he's doing so now. I guess he felt "too much connection" with me these days and needs some "recharging".

By the way, such a great welcome you all have given me. Thank you for your advices

 

[Judge]

Thank you Judge!
I really liked the batteries' metaphor, I'll make sure to keep it in mind. In fact, he's doing so now. I guess he felt "too much connection" with me these days and needs some "recharging".

By the way, such a great welcome you all have given me. Thank you for your advices

Sometimes (not all the time) socialization can be BOTH really good- and really bad literally at the same time. It may make no sense, but it's probably the easiest way for me to explain it from my point of view. You don't have to know why, but just know that it does happen and above all, not to take it personally.

 

[Shalott]

I think I understand what you mean. And yes, the moment you take it personally it goes against you: you may depress for not feeling reciprocity, which you feel you deserve after doing good things for the other. But it definitely does not work like that in these cases; you may receive reciprocity or not, but as you say there is no point in seeing it as something negative if you don't receive it. It's just the way it is.

 

[Tom]

Its also coincidentally my favorite painting.



Once, when I was on a deployment I found that picture in a book. It reminded me very much of my wife and I slept with the book the rest of the time there.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Ah, the Lady of Shalott. Perhaps also a fan of William Morris? Welcome.

Your point of reciprocity is good. I've found it useful to extend my understanding of it this way: there's asynchronous reciprocation, meaning aspies reciprocate in a different tempo. The relationship is syncopated. It may also be reciprocated out-of-kind. My way of showing love to you may not be in a form you experience as love, and vice versa. A lot depends on whether I need the love, or whether I need to know that what it is, is love. This has been most helpful during a period of inharmony. If I want to become harmonious, I'll choose to do things that I wouldn't normally do, or even think of, because I know that you'll interpret it as love.

It can look like inconsistency. "Aha! Now she's doing what I want! Now she'll do it always." And then there's disappointment when I don't, because I wasn't changing for the partner. I was exhibiting situational leadership to heal a temporary condition, not changing into an NT.

So when things happen that disturb or hurt me, it is helpful for me to remember that the behavior may be a temporary correction to a situation, and not all about the relationship. This has helped me deal with some NTs in physical life who mean well to me and do wrong by me. I am still damaged, but I can put aside motive, because of the credibility they've built with me over time and because they are genuinely horrified and appropriately apologetic when they discover the breach.

And I do this back, after the meltdown is over.

Welcome to AC. Your thoughtful approach is inspiring.

 

[Shalott]

What an awesome story, Tom! It's one of my all-time favorite paintings, together with Collier's Lady Godiva and Millais' Ophelia. Well, Pre-Raphaelites in general have amazing works.

Thank you very much, Aspergirl4hire!
I'm just getting used to that kind of behaviour, and I guess I can only know it by seeing it and asking questions. Besides, each person is different is not "this person has Asperger therefore he/she will act this determined way". Not to mention that the more comfortable you get with someone, the less you have to act the way you say. For instance: my partner has taken me by the hand just once, in our first day together. And funny enough I never realised he has never hold my hand again until now (and probably he won't or he will do it as an asynchronous gesture of reciprocation as you explained).
Whatever the case may be, we tend to think there're established ways of showing our love to others when there can be many others.

 

[IrishAspie]

Welcome, great to see someone caring enough to look into AS, enjoy your stay.

 

[Shalott]

Thank you IrishAspie!

 

[KinksFan]

Welcome to Aspies Central!

 

[Shalott]

Thank you, KinksFan!

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard!
Glad to have a caring new member. Best wishes