Ipsen
Well-Known Member
Hello,
I have this thing with introductions in that I tend to give out WAY too much of information in the form of a wall of text that no one tends to read anyway, so I'll attempt to be short and concise. -_-
edit: after posting it I see how long it REALLY is. Just read the first paragraph, don't bother with the rest it's rubbish.
My name is Kevin, I live in the Flanders region of Belgium. I'm 22 years old and am currently in my 2nd BA of Eastern Languages and Cultures at the University of Ghent, with a major in Japanese Studies and a minor in English. A few weeks ago, during one of my don't-know-what-to-do-so-I'll-randomly-browse-wikipedia-and-youtube sessions, I stumbled upon a short documentary on Asperger's. It hit close to home. So close in fact, that the feelings of recognition that arose in me could be described as nothing less than an epiphany. I tried to find out more about it, read books about it, watched Youtube blogs (including Willow's)... Anecdotes on message boards often felt as if they could've been in a diary written by me. Watching documentaries was like looking into a mirror. Internet "tests", though they often seemed quite unscientific, also confirmed me as being highly likely to have Asperger's Syndrome. After years of struggling with my "peculiarities", the pieces of the puzzle finally seemed to fall into place.
I used to be an "odd" child, I preferred common objects over toys, and I rarely played with other children. I learned to read and write very early, and quickly became fascinated by the first of my many obsessions: dinosaurs. Well not just really dinosaurs to be exact. My field of interest quickly expanded to include the whole field of paleontology. Soon I was maintaining multiple obsessions at the same time, each lasting for two to three years. At that time they all seemed to be centered around animals or categories of animals though. I think I might've been lucky with my obsessions at the start, because dinosaurs was becoming quite a pop culture element at the time. Many of the children my age at that time had dinosaur related toys and such, so I was blending in, in a way. I did get bullied a lot, and I didn't make any friends, though I did "get along" with most of my classmates. I continued to do well at school, although my grades at math were a bit less because it just didn't interest me at all. P.E. was hell, and has remained to be hell until the last minute I ever had of it.
The real problems started when I got into secondary education, and puberty. Well not really when I got into puberty, but when my peers did and I didn't. Back in primary education (I'm using terms translated from the ones applied in Belgium now, foreign systems are often different as I understand it) teachers often commented on me as being a "serious-looking" child, a loner, and appearing to be quite mature while at the same time constantly lapsing into a state of day-dreaming. That did not change. I began to notice that others my age started acting in different ways. If I look back at that time, before secondary education the class was the basic group unit. Even though I really fit in I knew how to function inside it. But then the unit of a class became something that had almost solely to do with education, and nothing with social...I'm rambling and getting off-topic. Funny how that even happens when I type and not just in conversation. Anyways, I totally didn't understand how to function in social events. I never did, but at that time it became "necessary". If you didn't have friends, if you didn't like football, if you didn't know about cars, if you didn't tease girls, if you didn't go out and do things that weren't allowed because they were "fun", you were a nobody, an outcast. For four years I went to school, got a seat in the back of the class, studied diligently for most of the subjects, and during breaks I'd either pace around the school grounds or read up on mythology (my obsession at that time) in the library, often interrupted by bullies. I remember they used to call me the "make-a-U-turn" kid, because of my constantly pacing up and down, often talking to myself as well. There were some people I regarded as "friends", but I soon found out they were only interested in the benefits of being invited round my house, because I was quite spoiled by my parents and I did have a lot of "cool factor" items, like the newest video games and stuff? In my 4th year the bullying got worse, a lot worse. I lost motivation to study, I simply didn't want to school anymore. There were a few serious incidents, one time I was hurt pretty badly. The school authorities didn't do anything about it, I remember being asked on multiple occasions if I didn't think it could be my own fault, that I provoked the bullying myself. They told me the that whe they asked the other kids why they did it they'd only replied "Because he's weird".
I failed two subjects, German and math. Because of that I was prohibited to enter 5th year in my current course, Latin-Modern Languages, and every other course of regular secondary education, save one. And that one course was not taught at the school I was attending, a fact that I became incredibly grateful for. I changed schools to get into my 5th year opting for that relatively new "Human Sciences" course: languages, psycholoy, sociology, philosophy and only two hours of math. I really liked the new classes, I was genuinely interested in them, but best of all was the complete and utter lack of bullies in the entire 5th year in that school. True I still felt extremely awkward, but I got along with everyone and although by now I've lost touch with almsot every one of them there are some that I could really say as having been my friends. One other guy in particular, Kristof, the only one I haven't lost touch with, remains my oldest and best friend to this day. Probably because he used to be a bit of a loner too, being the only "metalhead" in class. He sort of transferred that obsession on to me too. We didn't have all that much in common actually, but still.
But then I finished school and I made my first attempt at University, opting for Eastern Languages and Cultures, as that was the course that had most in common with my obsessions. But it slowly turned into a nightmare. The transition from a 20 person max class to auditoriums full of noisy people, the obligation to take your own notes instead of getting everything clearly on paper, the absence of my onyl friend most of the time because of conflicting schedules (even though he studied the same course, but with a focus on China)... I didn't manage to make new friends in my class. There was no student club for my course I might've resorted to. I slipped into a depression, add to that me not being able to take the step to seek student counseling and by the end of the year I'd failed to conitnue on with that. The next year I attempted regular higher education instead of uni, hoping that reverting to a classroom setting would at least help me get better rgades. I went for Journalism, and the classroom setting did help. But the level was very much sub-par to my abilities. I knew I was smarter than this. A first lesson in IT skills shouldn't be about how to turn on your computer. I was astounded that some people there had never even sued one. I gave up and resolved to re-enter uni the year after that and find a job in the meanwhile in order to fund my studies. Solicitating was...I hate to lie, I really hate it. But that period had the few occasions of me actually lying ot my parents. I got panic attacks whenever I was just standing before the corporate building I was supposed to enter. I often ended up not showing up. It didn't last long though, eventually I got a breakdown and confessed to my parents. My dad accompanied me to the doors the next time. It wasn't all that bad actually. I didn't even ened to speak to anyone, just had to do some IQish/Performance tests. Two weeks later I got a phonecall that I'd gotten a temporary contract. It wasn't a fun job, but it was one I could do on my own, not much cooperation with other people involved. Mostly it involved me sitting in front of a computer and entering strings of information. After that I got back to uni, I tried English as a major for one year, there was a student club for literature so i joined that and I made some friends there, I learned to cope with the auditorium classes by using other people's notes, and I passed. However, i decided to switch back to my original choice, Eastern Studies, and changed English into my minor. I was able to combine subjects from first year with those of second year and so on so it didn't feel as if I'd lost another year again. When I restarted on Eastern Studies last year, the class was quite small, there were only 18 people or so. The year before the Japanology department had grown fed up with the lack of activites related to the courses and had created a Japanology student club. In contrast to the first year I pursued this, I don't really understand how or why, but I did make some new friends. Perhaps it's because we're such a small group, in second year there's only 12 of us left. Or perhaps the people in my class now are just as crazy as I am, I don't know. There were also a few new teachers, all of which turned out to be pretty cool. God I'm getting tired of typing all this. It's so awkward, here I am again typing on my entire damn life story. This thing is almost essay-length.
Anyway, so yes I did end up relatively well. But a combination of events, often having to do with unhappy memories, have made me question myself. The last few months I've had a depression that's been going up and down, up and down. I've started doubting my social position, the status of me being someone's friend, or other people being my friends. Two months ago I had the worst breakdown I've had since I was a teenager, and I was on the verge then of seeking professional help, but in the end I didn't. But now that i've learned about Asperger's I think the time ahs come for me to do so. I've talked to my family about this, I've gone over it with them, and especially my dad thinks that my suspicions could be true. We had a good long talk, perhaps the first time we did, like, ever. Andhe thinks that if it is the case, then I probably inherited it from him. So now I've got a first appointment next friday. Even if turns out not to be Asperger's, although by now I firmly believe that's the case, there must be at least something. I hope this will give me some answers. I hope this will give me a reason.
And behold I can predict the future, I've written way too much for a mere introduction.
Ipsen out.
I have this thing with introductions in that I tend to give out WAY too much of information in the form of a wall of text that no one tends to read anyway, so I'll attempt to be short and concise. -_-
edit: after posting it I see how long it REALLY is. Just read the first paragraph, don't bother with the rest it's rubbish.
My name is Kevin, I live in the Flanders region of Belgium. I'm 22 years old and am currently in my 2nd BA of Eastern Languages and Cultures at the University of Ghent, with a major in Japanese Studies and a minor in English. A few weeks ago, during one of my don't-know-what-to-do-so-I'll-randomly-browse-wikipedia-and-youtube sessions, I stumbled upon a short documentary on Asperger's. It hit close to home. So close in fact, that the feelings of recognition that arose in me could be described as nothing less than an epiphany. I tried to find out more about it, read books about it, watched Youtube blogs (including Willow's)... Anecdotes on message boards often felt as if they could've been in a diary written by me. Watching documentaries was like looking into a mirror. Internet "tests", though they often seemed quite unscientific, also confirmed me as being highly likely to have Asperger's Syndrome. After years of struggling with my "peculiarities", the pieces of the puzzle finally seemed to fall into place.
I used to be an "odd" child, I preferred common objects over toys, and I rarely played with other children. I learned to read and write very early, and quickly became fascinated by the first of my many obsessions: dinosaurs. Well not just really dinosaurs to be exact. My field of interest quickly expanded to include the whole field of paleontology. Soon I was maintaining multiple obsessions at the same time, each lasting for two to three years. At that time they all seemed to be centered around animals or categories of animals though. I think I might've been lucky with my obsessions at the start, because dinosaurs was becoming quite a pop culture element at the time. Many of the children my age at that time had dinosaur related toys and such, so I was blending in, in a way. I did get bullied a lot, and I didn't make any friends, though I did "get along" with most of my classmates. I continued to do well at school, although my grades at math were a bit less because it just didn't interest me at all. P.E. was hell, and has remained to be hell until the last minute I ever had of it.
The real problems started when I got into secondary education, and puberty. Well not really when I got into puberty, but when my peers did and I didn't. Back in primary education (I'm using terms translated from the ones applied in Belgium now, foreign systems are often different as I understand it) teachers often commented on me as being a "serious-looking" child, a loner, and appearing to be quite mature while at the same time constantly lapsing into a state of day-dreaming. That did not change. I began to notice that others my age started acting in different ways. If I look back at that time, before secondary education the class was the basic group unit. Even though I really fit in I knew how to function inside it. But then the unit of a class became something that had almost solely to do with education, and nothing with social...I'm rambling and getting off-topic. Funny how that even happens when I type and not just in conversation. Anyways, I totally didn't understand how to function in social events. I never did, but at that time it became "necessary". If you didn't have friends, if you didn't like football, if you didn't know about cars, if you didn't tease girls, if you didn't go out and do things that weren't allowed because they were "fun", you were a nobody, an outcast. For four years I went to school, got a seat in the back of the class, studied diligently for most of the subjects, and during breaks I'd either pace around the school grounds or read up on mythology (my obsession at that time) in the library, often interrupted by bullies. I remember they used to call me the "make-a-U-turn" kid, because of my constantly pacing up and down, often talking to myself as well. There were some people I regarded as "friends", but I soon found out they were only interested in the benefits of being invited round my house, because I was quite spoiled by my parents and I did have a lot of "cool factor" items, like the newest video games and stuff? In my 4th year the bullying got worse, a lot worse. I lost motivation to study, I simply didn't want to school anymore. There were a few serious incidents, one time I was hurt pretty badly. The school authorities didn't do anything about it, I remember being asked on multiple occasions if I didn't think it could be my own fault, that I provoked the bullying myself. They told me the that whe they asked the other kids why they did it they'd only replied "Because he's weird".
I failed two subjects, German and math. Because of that I was prohibited to enter 5th year in my current course, Latin-Modern Languages, and every other course of regular secondary education, save one. And that one course was not taught at the school I was attending, a fact that I became incredibly grateful for. I changed schools to get into my 5th year opting for that relatively new "Human Sciences" course: languages, psycholoy, sociology, philosophy and only two hours of math. I really liked the new classes, I was genuinely interested in them, but best of all was the complete and utter lack of bullies in the entire 5th year in that school. True I still felt extremely awkward, but I got along with everyone and although by now I've lost touch with almsot every one of them there are some that I could really say as having been my friends. One other guy in particular, Kristof, the only one I haven't lost touch with, remains my oldest and best friend to this day. Probably because he used to be a bit of a loner too, being the only "metalhead" in class. He sort of transferred that obsession on to me too. We didn't have all that much in common actually, but still.
But then I finished school and I made my first attempt at University, opting for Eastern Languages and Cultures, as that was the course that had most in common with my obsessions. But it slowly turned into a nightmare. The transition from a 20 person max class to auditoriums full of noisy people, the obligation to take your own notes instead of getting everything clearly on paper, the absence of my onyl friend most of the time because of conflicting schedules (even though he studied the same course, but with a focus on China)... I didn't manage to make new friends in my class. There was no student club for my course I might've resorted to. I slipped into a depression, add to that me not being able to take the step to seek student counseling and by the end of the year I'd failed to conitnue on with that. The next year I attempted regular higher education instead of uni, hoping that reverting to a classroom setting would at least help me get better rgades. I went for Journalism, and the classroom setting did help. But the level was very much sub-par to my abilities. I knew I was smarter than this. A first lesson in IT skills shouldn't be about how to turn on your computer. I was astounded that some people there had never even sued one. I gave up and resolved to re-enter uni the year after that and find a job in the meanwhile in order to fund my studies. Solicitating was...I hate to lie, I really hate it. But that period had the few occasions of me actually lying ot my parents. I got panic attacks whenever I was just standing before the corporate building I was supposed to enter. I often ended up not showing up. It didn't last long though, eventually I got a breakdown and confessed to my parents. My dad accompanied me to the doors the next time. It wasn't all that bad actually. I didn't even ened to speak to anyone, just had to do some IQish/Performance tests. Two weeks later I got a phonecall that I'd gotten a temporary contract. It wasn't a fun job, but it was one I could do on my own, not much cooperation with other people involved. Mostly it involved me sitting in front of a computer and entering strings of information. After that I got back to uni, I tried English as a major for one year, there was a student club for literature so i joined that and I made some friends there, I learned to cope with the auditorium classes by using other people's notes, and I passed. However, i decided to switch back to my original choice, Eastern Studies, and changed English into my minor. I was able to combine subjects from first year with those of second year and so on so it didn't feel as if I'd lost another year again. When I restarted on Eastern Studies last year, the class was quite small, there were only 18 people or so. The year before the Japanology department had grown fed up with the lack of activites related to the courses and had created a Japanology student club. In contrast to the first year I pursued this, I don't really understand how or why, but I did make some new friends. Perhaps it's because we're such a small group, in second year there's only 12 of us left. Or perhaps the people in my class now are just as crazy as I am, I don't know. There were also a few new teachers, all of which turned out to be pretty cool. God I'm getting tired of typing all this. It's so awkward, here I am again typing on my entire damn life story. This thing is almost essay-length.
Anyway, so yes I did end up relatively well. But a combination of events, often having to do with unhappy memories, have made me question myself. The last few months I've had a depression that's been going up and down, up and down. I've started doubting my social position, the status of me being someone's friend, or other people being my friends. Two months ago I had the worst breakdown I've had since I was a teenager, and I was on the verge then of seeking professional help, but in the end I didn't. But now that i've learned about Asperger's I think the time ahs come for me to do so. I've talked to my family about this, I've gone over it with them, and especially my dad thinks that my suspicions could be true. We had a good long talk, perhaps the first time we did, like, ever. Andhe thinks that if it is the case, then I probably inherited it from him. So now I've got a first appointment next friday. Even if turns out not to be Asperger's, although by now I firmly believe that's the case, there must be at least something. I hope this will give me some answers. I hope this will give me a reason.
And behold I can predict the future, I've written way too much for a mere introduction.
Ipsen out.
