Time of the Butterflies
Well-Known Member
Hello, everyone. I'm so grateful that there's a website like this to express my thoughts and feelings to other people about my Asperger's for the very first time in my life.
I have no official diagnosis; however, I have been suspecting that I have Asperger's. It all makes sense to me that I would have it.
I took the Asperger's test at RDOS operating system and the Neanderthal theory and these are the results I received:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 89 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
I took this test back in March and received 155 out of 200 for the first score. I'm 17 years old, a boy, and have suspected that I have Asperger's for around a year or so. I had a friend who had Asperger's in fifth grade, and I started to act like him at home. I don't know why. I remember how my mom once called me a retard because she was so mad at me for something I did wrong, and I cried in my room for hours upon hours. She said sorry of course, but I remember that it triggered something inside me. I was maybe ten. That was the first time I had ever considered that I had a disorder.
I have never been to see a doctor about this because I haven't told anyone yet. What if it's all a figment of my imagination? What if they don't believe me? What if my parents just laugh at me and not listen to me?
I was homeschooled from first through fourth grade, which has had a significant effect on me in every aspect of my life, but I always blamed being homeschooled for the fact that I didn't have any friends. I would occasionally go over to someone's house in middle school, but I was so lonely. Seventh grade was the worst--I remember coming home from school and crying about the fact that everyone just felt sorry for me and I had no one to talk to. I thought everyone hated me because no one would ever genuinely talk to me.
In a way, I think this has helped me to become independent. I don't rely on others for major things: emotional support, help with homework, or other things. I guess I've managed to do things on my own. My parents, of course, take care of me and I'm technically still dependent on them, but I would consider myself to be mostly independent. This has caused me to keep everything in and not tell people about things that are really bothering me.
Since I was 13, I have known I am bisexual. I have been with both genders and can confirm that I am bisexual. Only a select few know.
I guess what I'm looking for is some input on my situation. Do I have Asperger's? Should I tell someone? Should I not tell someone? Whenever I tell someone something big, I instantly regret it and feel like I should keep everything inside me so I can still retain some part of me. I don't know. I freak out if something doesn't go my way, but I realize that I can't do that in public so I rarely do. In addition, when someone gets too emotionally close to me, I have a tendency to run away from it. I don't know why; I guess I have myself convinced that I can support myself. I don't need anyone else in my life to be successful. That's probably something terrible to think, but that has been my mindset for a very long time as a result of my period of loneliness.
High school has continued to be somewhat difficult for me. I struggle to deal with simple things like where to sit in the gym and with whom during assemblies. I often worry about it the entire week and freak myself out about it even though it mostly ends up being good. Lunch is also a struggle; last year, I ended up in the bathroom every single day. I had some people I knew with whom I could sit at lunch, but I freaked myself out over it. What if they don't want me there? I wasn't really that close with them. What if they hate me? What if they wish I weren't at their lunch table? So, I figured I could support myself.
I have a few close friends whom I have met and stayed friends with for a long time as a result of routine. Maybe I see them in math every day. Maybe we have band together. However, eye contact is something with which I also struggle. When should I look at someone? When should I look away? These side questions often take precedence over the real content of the conversation.
That's a big portion of my life living in uncertainty. Any feedback and/or comments are appreciated because I have never talked to anyone about any of this before. Also, if you've managed to stay on board with me thus far, thank you. I just want to know what I should do.
PS: My username alludes to Julia Alvarez's "In the Time of the Butterflies."
I have no official diagnosis; however, I have been suspecting that I have Asperger's. It all makes sense to me that I would have it.
I took the Asperger's test at RDOS operating system and the Neanderthal theory and these are the results I received:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 89 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
I took this test back in March and received 155 out of 200 for the first score. I'm 17 years old, a boy, and have suspected that I have Asperger's for around a year or so. I had a friend who had Asperger's in fifth grade, and I started to act like him at home. I don't know why. I remember how my mom once called me a retard because she was so mad at me for something I did wrong, and I cried in my room for hours upon hours. She said sorry of course, but I remember that it triggered something inside me. I was maybe ten. That was the first time I had ever considered that I had a disorder.
I have never been to see a doctor about this because I haven't told anyone yet. What if it's all a figment of my imagination? What if they don't believe me? What if my parents just laugh at me and not listen to me?
I was homeschooled from first through fourth grade, which has had a significant effect on me in every aspect of my life, but I always blamed being homeschooled for the fact that I didn't have any friends. I would occasionally go over to someone's house in middle school, but I was so lonely. Seventh grade was the worst--I remember coming home from school and crying about the fact that everyone just felt sorry for me and I had no one to talk to. I thought everyone hated me because no one would ever genuinely talk to me.
In a way, I think this has helped me to become independent. I don't rely on others for major things: emotional support, help with homework, or other things. I guess I've managed to do things on my own. My parents, of course, take care of me and I'm technically still dependent on them, but I would consider myself to be mostly independent. This has caused me to keep everything in and not tell people about things that are really bothering me.
Since I was 13, I have known I am bisexual. I have been with both genders and can confirm that I am bisexual. Only a select few know.
I guess what I'm looking for is some input on my situation. Do I have Asperger's? Should I tell someone? Should I not tell someone? Whenever I tell someone something big, I instantly regret it and feel like I should keep everything inside me so I can still retain some part of me. I don't know. I freak out if something doesn't go my way, but I realize that I can't do that in public so I rarely do. In addition, when someone gets too emotionally close to me, I have a tendency to run away from it. I don't know why; I guess I have myself convinced that I can support myself. I don't need anyone else in my life to be successful. That's probably something terrible to think, but that has been my mindset for a very long time as a result of my period of loneliness.
High school has continued to be somewhat difficult for me. I struggle to deal with simple things like where to sit in the gym and with whom during assemblies. I often worry about it the entire week and freak myself out about it even though it mostly ends up being good. Lunch is also a struggle; last year, I ended up in the bathroom every single day. I had some people I knew with whom I could sit at lunch, but I freaked myself out over it. What if they don't want me there? I wasn't really that close with them. What if they hate me? What if they wish I weren't at their lunch table? So, I figured I could support myself.
I have a few close friends whom I have met and stayed friends with for a long time as a result of routine. Maybe I see them in math every day. Maybe we have band together. However, eye contact is something with which I also struggle. When should I look at someone? When should I look away? These side questions often take precedence over the real content of the conversation.
That's a big portion of my life living in uncertainty. Any feedback and/or comments are appreciated because I have never talked to anyone about any of this before. Also, if you've managed to stay on board with me thus far, thank you. I just want to know what I should do.
PS: My username alludes to Julia Alvarez's "In the Time of the Butterflies."
